Love...and Other Catastrophes

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road...

2005-09-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hm, it has been a bit quiet lately... I moved my blog to another location... To find out where I've gone, you'll need to email me... good bye my dears, blogger it's been fun and a long couple of years but it's time for a change...

Sh…. It’s oh so quiet…

2005-07-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, I didn’t realise that posting has become so slow round these parts. Mike and I have been posting on Secrets of the Manor and in hiding.

We’re not hiding from anybody really we’ve just started to have time to ourselves now, though I do desire him when we are out with other people.

I find myself more and more intoxicated by him when we’re out with other people, just the other night we went out to dinner with a friend of ours, since it was just the three of us, she sat with him and I sat opposite. Since she was new to this place, Mike was explaining the menu to her; I watched his body language and the way he interacted with her. I watched the way his mouth moved when he was describing what was inside a particular dish. When he was finished he would look up at me and smile with that particular glint in his eyes… it’s one of my favourite glints, it’s the go into the bedroom, strip and get on the bed on all fours glint.

Mike is so smooth and articulate when he speaks to others, his tone is always soft and low and he growls on certain inflections in words. I desire him so much when we are out with others, the way he gets passionate about things and the way we debate about political affairs over coffee and when he wants to calm me down he just smiles and says “Kitten, kitten… What larks we have.”

He’s so right…

Panic on the streets of London…

2005-07-07T05:19:00.000-07:00

7.40- Mike wakes late
8.20- He leaves for work… in a rush.

I didn't get to say a proper good bye, I just kissed him and rolled over and went back to sleep.

9.30- Mike calls: “The underground has been shut down.”
9.34- Get on the news… there was an explosion at Aldgate station. Call Mike and tell him to come home.

Within that time there where six more explosions on the London Underground and on the buses, which were packed because the Underground is closed. I panicked; I can't get a hold of my husband… Yes, I thought of the worse first.

I thought that at the age of 22, I'd be a widow; I hadn't even said I loved him before he left. Fear shook me, I couldn't stand, I was crying, I tried to keep my composure but there was no one around, it seemed silly to try. The city of London has ground to a halt, mass hysteria is on the streets… where is my husband?

This has come at a bad time; this has come during the G8 summit, where the world leaders are coming together to make a change. Yes, I still have some sliver of faith in mankind… I'm still young, I'm not fully jaded and I still care.

Another bomb goes off… where is my husband?
I can't help myself, I'm afraid.

Mike calls, he's okay, he's trying to get home… there aren't any over ground trains coming our way yet. He waits at the station; he doesn't seem frightened or fearful, whereas I'm a nervous wreck.

I can't share with you what is going on, I can't show you the fear that everyone is experiencing, I can't express the fear I have knowing that Mike might not make it home to me.

An hour later, he calls and says he's on a train… he's coming home… thank goodness… But London is still in severe disorder and there's panic on the streets… I've never experienced this before… only 9/11 but it didn't affect me all the way in California. I could only sit, watch and wait. Now here, I'm doing the same, I'm just sitting, watching and waiting. Waiting... waiting for what's next.

Phones...

2005-07-01T06:11:00.000-07:00

We lay in bed together, smelling each other, stroking each other. Smiling, kissing and gently loving each other tenderly. I let my right hand slide down his chest and the dip where his thigh meets his torso, I tickled him for a moment only to hear him giggle. I then moved my hand over to his stiffening cock and I unabashedly took hold of it, massaging it and stroking his balls.

He rolled over on his side and let his fingers explore me, they moved over my skin and it felt like silk, enticing me and causing me to sigh.

“Do you want my cock inside you Kitten?”
“Uh huh.” I nodded, Mike started to rise, he was to mount me and I was ready for it- Then the phone rang.

“Hello?” I asked.
“Hey!” It was my best friend on the other line, since she lives in the states; I thought I shouldn't hang up on her and I haven't spoken to her in a while… However, I couldn't also let a perfectly good ecretion go either. While I was on the phone talking about all of life's problems, I stroked his cock. He just laid back and smiled, I talked about my problems she shared hers…damn it was good to hear her voice, I missed her, we've been friends for 11 years.

In the middle of her telling me something about her work, Mike rolled back over again, his hand landed on my soaking wet cunt.

“Hmm, it's very hot Kitten.” He whispered softly in my ear. Mike has this wonderful voice, this deep and commanding voice that hits me right to the core. When he whispers, he growls, when he growls, I'm wet.

I started giggling like a child.

“What's so funny?” She asked me over the phone.
“Nothing… I'm sorry, continue.” I answered back. Mike took that as a sign for him to continue as well. He started to probe deep in side, drawing moisture onto my clit and stroking it softly. I giggled and squirmed underneath his fingertips trying to contain myself.

Mike kept working me as I kept working him, drawing out his orgasm.

“So, what's been going on?”
“Oh, noooooothing *sigh* at all going ooooonnnn here.”
“Is everything okay?” She asked. Oh, yes, everything was wonderful.
“Yeah, everything's fine. Listen can I call you back tomorrow?”
“Yeah, sure.” I didn't even let her say good-bye; I hung up the phone and dropped it. Mike got up and on his knees, he was going to mount me but I stopped him and pulled his hips close to my face.

It's been a while; I almost forgot the sweet taste of it. I greedily devoured his cock, taking the whole of it into my mouth as the tip hit my tonsils and I swallowed it down. He moaned and continued to work my clit; I gave my muffled moans underneath his firm grip.

My tongue massaged and rubbed it, licking and sucking, tasting and lovingly caressing his cock. He worked me harder as he fucked my mouth hard and fast. I could feel my orgasm mounting as he called out: “I'm coming Kitten!”
I relaxed and let the orgasm wash over me from head to toe, and he came deep into my mouth. When he finished I wiped him clean with the tip of my tongue and he laid down beside me and held me and we both came down together.

Happy Birthday

2005-06-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear Master
happy birthday to you!

Joyeux anniversaire
Alles Gute zum Geburtstag
Έχετε καλά γενέθλια
よい誕生日を持ちなさい
...and all that

You're getting sleepy (part 1)

2005-06-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

Mike and I, being the strange people that we are always look for new avenues to broaden our horizons in the world of kink. Between us there have been and this isn't the full list: Coffins, shadow play, exhibitionism, bodybags, electricity play, watersports (don't ask), Pony girl, puppy play, suspension, public play, branding and now Hypnotism!

Mike and I went to Coffee Cake and Kink and discovered this book: 'Look Into My Eyes' by Peter Masters. We flipped through it and both agreed that we should give it a go, so we purchased and here we are now.

After a thorough read and some notes, I was beginning to get sleepy, very sleepy. Actually, that's not how it went.

This book is a fabulous book! If you're looking to make a woman your sex slave, then this book is not for you. If you're looking to pick up some person at the bar, then this book is not for you. This also isn't a threrapy book or anything that can heal you... mentally. What this book does is put the person in a frame of mind to explore fantasies and role play... without distractions, it can also help you break down certain sexual barriers and inhibitions that one might have. But there is the caveat that both parties have to totally trust each other as one is giving up control of their mind... in effect.

This book is a serious book, explaining what you should never do and what it won't do, it's also cautious; explaining that a mind is a very fragile and potentially dangerous thing to play with. With that being said, the book also talks about what you can do... which is quite a thing!

So we began. I sat on the couch and Mike sat next to me, after explaining what he was going to do, he talked me through relaxation and entranced me. When I got to that stage Mike walked me through a series of exercises, like clasping my hands together and trying to pull them apart... which I couldn't do and I found it VERY frustrating as Mike had told me under trance that they were stuck together.

We've decided to blog about each experiment... no matter how short or strange to track progress, which should be fun!

Back in black...

2005-06-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

...And blue.

I'm finding it difficult to sit these days...and this week is hell!

Sunday was okay, in fact Sunday was great. Mike and I went to the London Fetish Fair with Dave and Am, we all made some lovely purchases... Except for this: Dave and Am, Rattan = ouch!!! Under the influence of Dave, Mike bought a rattan cane, which he loves and thanks Dave immensely for pointing him in that direction. I knew this time would come but I wasn't thinking it would be Sunday. However, before I get into the cane, I should also say that Mike purchased a large wooden paddle and a crop (we've gone through 3 now) I also got him another crop, only because it was fabulous... Mike has a picture of it on his blog.

When we got home that night, Mike was experimenting with all of his new toys and loving every minute of it, while I tore a hole into the pillow with my teeth. The decision was the crops were painful yet pleasurable and the cane and wooden paddle are for severe punishment...

Monday brought disaster. For those who don't know the strange history of us here's a run down: When Mike and I met... no wait, I need to speed this along. Mike owns a flat and his ex girlfriend (they were together for 15 years) is still living there. A year and a half ago Mike put that flat up for sale... the market has been low and etc, so noone is house buying. Until 3 months ago, someone looked at it liked it and wanted to buy it... which made all 3 of us very happy.

It came down to where contracts were to be signed on Tuesday, which was all good until Monday afternoon, when his lawyers (or solicitors) called Mike's solicitor and said that he didn't want to proceed with the sale. A LITTLE LATE DON'T YOU THINK MATE?? So we've busted our asses to get this guy everything he wanted for 3 months while there was no deposit and the flat was pulled off the market so noone could even look at it.

Which leads to Wednesday's depression and day of crying and consoling and now Thursday... a day of rest... not really.

I'm not really sure what I can do to help the situation except for to be a good wife and do the best I can... whatever that is.

生命は退屈している

2005-05-31T15:25:00.000-07:00

I have nothing really new to talk about... the things I was going to say have lost the meaning behind them, so I suppose it isn't really worth it.

We've been gone for a while... we went up to the North of England, Lancashire, for those who know. Things have been hectic in our lives... Mike's dad is going in for a triple bypass surgery, Artemis (one of our chinchillas) has a massive issue with her eye that no one seems to know how to handle, Luna is still Luna and Jupiter (Artemis's son) is still running laps around his cage going crazy after the castration.

DD, D/s or whatever you like to call it (we've decided that Owner/ pet works perfectly for us) has been going very well, although the training has stopped... two reasons, one because...well we can't say that out loud... two, I don't think we care anymore.

When we were up North, Mike took me to the this town called Heysham, which was... uh, moving on... and we went to a chapel that was made in the 8th century. The coolest thing about that place the cemetery and I found my head stone.

I should go, I'm starting to bore myself. Before I sign off, I leave with a moment of Zen The sun setting over Morecambe bay.

Books a-go-go

2005-05-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I’ve been tagged by Am, Keeper and Kept (welcome back!) and Urbanstud… on books… assuming I read them! I do… but mostly I read plays and scripts now. Anyway here are my answers… oh and by the way, my choices won’t be as intellectual as some but they’re what I like.

1. In California… an entire library that my father owned with a few thousand books… it unfortunately burned down in a lightning storm in 1997. Incidentally, the same storm caused a tree to fall in the middle of a few classrooms at my school and we were out for a week.

In England, I think we have 200 give or take maybe three. They’re still in boxes

2. The last book I bought was ‘The Guerrilla film makers hand book’ which is a godsend.

3. The last book I read? Well there’s a few because I read them all simultaneously it seems… but the very last one I read was ‘Candide’ from Voltaire, which was really good.

4. The Five books that mean something to me:
This was really hard to do because I have so many of them! I could chose anything from Eugine O’Neal’s Long days jouney into night or White Teeth from Zaidi Smith but I chose these:

Book One
Torture Garden by Octave Mirbeau, this book isn’t what you might think it is, though there is baroque sadism in it. It was written during the romantic period, which was after the period of Enlightenment.

Book Two
A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, this book ruined my life! But not in a bad way, I just love it.

Book Three
1984 by George Orwell- One of us, One of us, One of us! Reason number 12 of why I’m not right in the head.

Book Four
House of Leaves- Mark Danielewsk, what a bizarrely random book.

Book Five (and Six)
Slaughter House Five- Kurt Vonnegut or Welcome to the Monkey House… mainly because I was in the stage production of it and fell madly in love with it.
Six would be any play from Anton Chekov…

5. Tag Five People... actually two...
Unfurling
Amethyst Hawke

An Accident Causes Purple Hair

2005-05-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

I had a very bad accident while trying to colour my hair red… I was using a new product and the end result isn’t what I was expecting. I now have purple hair!

Mike has been feeling really… dom-ly lately, which is fine because I’ve been feeling equally submissive, we don’t know why. Mike has been hinting at plans to have a fun filled evening of debauchery, which is a relief because we’ve been on a massive slow down, almost to a screeching halt on D/s. While I was chatting online and crying about my hair, Mike quietly stood up from the couch and walked into the other room.

I heard rummaging through our ‘kink’ bag (Which is HUGE) and humming, the humming wasn’t bothering me, what was, was the sound of chains coming from the other room. Chains? When did we get chains? We don’t have any chains. I sat and continued typing but I was still facing the doorway towards the other room, waiting… just…waiting, in fear.

A few moments later, Mike walked in and said: ‘Are you coming to bed or what?’ saying my good night, I turned off the computer and hurried off into the bedroom. He ordered me to kneel on the bed but I didn’t see any chains… thank you god… instead, he pulled out a switch made of birch and started to whip me. It hurt, badly but I deserved it for some of things I said earlier (Big mouth strikes again). After it was over and I thanked him, I boldly asked what he was looking fo and he just smiled and said: ‘You’ll find out tomorrow, now get into bed’… gulp.

It's a bittersweet symphony this life…

2005-05-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

Mike and I finally finished our script for… before I go on I should back track. Mike and I are entering the 'Fresh New Talent' competition for the BBC, you have to create a short film and submit it and hope for the best really. I don't want to win (yes I freakin' do!) I just want to be short-listed… which is still a big deal. We've still have so much to film and edit but it's going to be worth it for this kind of an opportunity… the only hard thing is getting the rights to the song the storyline is about, word on the street is Morrissey isn't such a big fan of people using his music, unless it's “How Soon Is Now?” which as been over used. (I probably just jinxed it big time by mentioning it!)

With all this hammering away with this film, Mike and I have had a massive slow down to playing and sex. The other night, I was in the mood to relax and have a good unwinding. I straddled him and started to grind my hips into his, I frantically unbuttoned his shirt and kissed his neck and chest… I wanted him right fucking now! I moved to his lips kissing them hard, slipping my hand down to his crotch and grabbing and teasing. Mike stopped me for a moment and stared at me blankly.

“What are you doing?” He asked.
“I'm kissing you or did you miss that part?”
“Why?”

At this point the feeling in between my legs was starting to deflate and quite fast.

“Why? Because I want to fuck you.” This still didn't seem to register with him and now my urge was to smack him.
“I thought we were watching 'Desperate Housewives'?”

THE END

“Excuse me? Well you shouldn't have married such a young wife!” I dismounted, dissatisfied and very horny. I stormed into the kitchen grabbed a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Cookie Dough Ice Cream and sat down back on the couch. We were both tired from working as hard as we've been but that was unforgivable… well I guess you can't have great sex all of the time.

P.S. D`Anerah, if you still want me to interview you... I'm all for it!

'Ask me I won't say no, how could I?'

2005-05-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

Bound to be Brattish, here are your questions...

1. You've just turned 21... congratulations. Being so young (I should talk)when did you start getting interested in the BDSM lifestyle?
2. How did you develop your interest? Did you do it? Through books, the internet, meeting and talking to people etc. How did it help?
3. Still thinking about our prior conversation, do you think that the way you grew up helped shape the way you are today? If it did, how so?
4. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done in public?
5. In some of your eariler posts you had a Mistress. Have you ever had or would you ever consider having, a male Dom?

I hope these questions are okay... I'm not very good at these things.

Don't forget to put the rules (which are at the end of the last post) on your reply post...

And the baton has been passed

2005-05-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

I got sucked up in this whole Blog a thon Interview Relay, I loved reading everyone that did one... And now it is my turn... These questions were brought to you by Am. I answered these with honesty and sincerity... and with a straight face, I didn't even smudge my mascara.

The instructions for the Blog a thon follow after my answers.

1. You used to write a lot about, I guess, switching - being submissive to one and dominant to another. Do you miss being the dominant at all? Why or why not? (no one word answers here, please!) If no, what did it give you that you no longer need?

Yes… but it depends on who I top, I can go without it but there’s this void or a need in me to Top someone (could be the Sadist in me). When I first started getting into BDSM as a whole, (at the ripe old age of 9) I started with the first letter, B, man I loved bondage. I used to take the rope out of the garage and tie my friends up and leave them there. I got this strange feeling of euphoria going through the motions of tying and watching, when they struggled I calmed them down… I liked that kind of responsibility.

Growing up to now, I was always a switch because I didn’t have a designated partner, because of my age mostly; I was a virgin up until 20 and wasn’t ready to lose it and that didn’t sit well with most male Doms. I mostly stuck with being a Dommina because I didn’t have to go down that route and it made me feel safe... if that makes any sense. I have this whole issue with religion and god, which made being a Domme the main choice for me because it didn’t make me feel like I was conflicting in any way.

Mike kind of fills the void by letting me do some things… but he always reminds me of who’s in charge, which deflates my Top high. If I were to Top now it would most likely be me Topping a woman or a man that doesn’t mind cross-dressing (which is, I guess a whole other question for another time)
Also, you will find that some Pro Dommes have slaves and a Dom as a boyfriend or husband (I did say some, most if not all of the Pro Dommes I know are switches)

2. What is your darkest D/s etc fantasy? Have you shared it with Mike? Would you ever dare (or be able to) live it out?
My darkest D/s fantasy is being kidnapped. In the most elaborate way possible. I want to be walking home from the train station, preferably in the dark and I want someone to come up from behind me and cover my mouth whilst dragging me away to the car. When we get to my house I’m instructed to do all kinds of things while strange and wonderful things are done to me if I don’t obey, kind of like forced submission. I know it doesn’t sound dark but some of the stuff entailed…Oh my!

I’ve told Mike some of this fantasy but not the whole thing, if I told him the whole thing he’d raise an eyebrow and possibly want to try it out… but I don’t think I’d be ready for it. We have a nasty habit of living out most of our fantasies.

3. How important is pain to you as a submissive? Could you be submissive if there were no pain involved? Why or why not?
Pain is very essential to me as a submissive… in truth; I’m a masochist with a good size pain tolerance… except when it comes down to shoes or when I am punished… There is a distinct difference. If pain wasn’t a part of my submission I wonder if I would still be submissive, I would say yes because I am submissive by nature. Though I have my bratty moments (I don’t think it’s ‘bratty’; I would like to consider it more playful then anything.) or I can get strong willed, but I am always very eager to please.

4. Why does the form of relationship you have with Mike appeal and/or work over other types? (I'm hesitating to label you as either D/s or M/s, because I'm not convinced you fall neatly into a pigeon hole)

Mike and I have an Owner/pet relationship because although the pet may be well behaved most of the time, sometimes it can act up and must be punished by the Owner. This relationship works for us because in it’s own strange way it’s our take on M/s and it works for us. Believe it or not, I’m a very obedient pet… heck, I can even fetch!

5. Luna has just chewed up Mike's favourite implement and your least favourite. What is it, why don't you like it, and what will the consequences be?

Oh, darn! Luna ate that blasted dual sided paddle. Shame… I HATE that thing. It has soft suede on one side and on the other, hard leather, just to change it up a bit. That thing hurts so very much it’s unbelievable! It’s not just the pain that I don’t like, I don’t like the head trip that goes along side it. Mike could be spanking me with the soft side then out of nowhere switch it up to the hard side, then back to soft… he never keeps a pattern! I was going to play fetch with Luna using the crop but Mike already broke that on me.

I think the consequences would be… He’d just go out and get a newer more improved version.
I hope you enjoyed... now here are the instructions

Official Blog-A-Thon Instructions:

It will be my pleasure to interview the next however many people respond to this post who want to be interviewed.

Here's how it works:
1. Leave a comment here (or on another participating blog if you'd rather not have me ask your questions) saying "interview me" if you'd like to be interviewed.
2. I'll respond by asking you 5 questions here. They'll be different than those above, hopefully unique to you (or what I think I know about you).
3. Update your blog with your answers to the questions.
4. When you do so, include this same explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same manner.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you'll ask them five new and unique questions.

Pain is beauty

2005-04-28T04:37:00.000-07:00

When I was young, my mother used to do my hair. She'd sit me down, comb it, tie it and braid it. It was a painful experience every single time but she used to tell me: 'Pain is beauty'.

I carried that thought into my adulthood, when I wear a pair of heels and throughout the day they begin to hurt, Mike would tell me to take them off but I would respond with: 'Pain is beauty'.

So now, right now I am at my most beautiful, lying on my stomach, face down on the bed. The leather runs smooth on the back of my thighs, god it stings, as it always does but my tears and my sobbing make me beautiful.

My cheeks glistened with a vibrant red with each stroke delivered. I was in pain, I was in a lot of pain but I endured it for him. With each stroke I endured he comforted me and said I was beautiful to him. Could it be mamma was right?

Happy Anniversary, here's a spanking!

2005-04-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

It was our anniversary yesterday, the anniversary of our first date. Mike surprised me with Rufus Wainwright tickets last month and last night we went. On the way I was feeling a bit… em… bratty. I normally never am (**cough cough**LIE!) but last night I was feeling particularly obnoxious (I think I was just being giddy and playful), so instead of listening to Mike I did the complete opposite of whatever he said/wanted. He wanted me to sit next to him on the train; I chose to sit on the other side of him across the train. Mike kept motioning for me to sit next to him while saying: 'Kitten, sit!' I just shook my head and sat tight where I was.

Mike, getting obviously frustrated at my behavior, he said that if I didn't move, he'd move me. One last time he asked me to come to him and one last time, I refused. Mike walked over to me and with his left hand grabbing underneath my left armpit, pulling me towards him. While I was in the air, Mike delivered six very hard spankings (which stung badly!) and plopped me down onto the seat.

I think I was more surprised then the people who happened to see what the commotion was about.

Rufus was amazing, as usual and our anniversary was very sweet. I think it's strange to have been together for a year…

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

2005-04-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

We're back! Mike and I went on holiday to good ol Nor Cal, where I lived before I moved to England. I get nervous on flights, mainly because if anything should happen I can't control it. Also, because of the altitude I get these excruciating migraines, which make me very sick during flights.

So, the morning of our flight, we awoke late. Finished packing, late. Got ready and headed out… we were LATE for our train. We had to catch the 6:05 train and it was 6am with a 10-minute walk on the way. Dressed and out the door we walked towards the train station.

When we got there, the train was on time and what luck, we were on it! Mike loves California, it seems almost as much as I do, so he was really excited to go back. We got to the airport and we were the first to check in, everything was going so well! Wandering about the duty free shopping mall that is Heathrow, I had to make a stop at the cash point nothing was working. I know I have enough money in my bank account, I wondered why it wasn't working.

With all that aside we got on our plane and had a fantastic flight, I wasn't even sick! We got to customs and everything went well there too, we got our bags and went to the rental car station. The car that we had requested wasn't available but the man behind the counter said that we could have another one, an upgrade for another price. Fine, fine, fine give us another car. We got a PT Cruiser, which Mike loathed, I didn't like it either but it came in royal blue so it couldn't be that bad.

Start the ignition and we're off towards home, I have to speed this story along because it's turned into a tragedy.

1. On the way home we got very lost.
2. Day 2- Mike has his wallet stolen
3. We find out that my bankcards are still not working, when I called Nat west (my bank) they said that they've cancelled my cards to issue me new ones. Without telling me, which means that we are now in California, stuck with no money and we still have 10 days left of our trip.
4. Day 3- I get the flu… bad. I had such bad migraines that I can't even lift my head and when I do lift my head, I get violently ill.
5. Day 4- we were supposed to leave for Los Angeles to meet my Uncle and to get a marriage visa but with no money and illness, no visa and a massive bollocking from my Uncle about not calling him.
6. Day 5- took my mother to the wineries, where she got drunk (which was good) and asked about the real date of our wedding (which was bad). For those who don't know, Mike and I eloped because of something that was said by my mother, due to religious conflict. The only person present was my best friend Jimmy, who told my sister about it. My sister, who got into a fight with my mother, told her the truth, the narc. I had told my mother that we eloped after our 'proper' wedding, which made her upset and crying… to not make her feel worse; I said we did it in England. My sister told her we did it in San Francisco (which we did, August the 12th)… but since she was drunk it was easy to by pass the questions.
7. Day 6- we went to a soiree at Jimmy's house, Mike had me wear my collar, which was nice. But my Cat Nabiki was hit by a car... came to us to say good bye with her eyes falling out of her head, then she left to die... that was not good.
6. Day 7- go to the DMV to change my last name on my drivers license and renew it, told that I can't do it until I change my name from social security.
7. At social security we told the guy behind the counter that I wanted to change my last name, he said fine, fill out this form and they'll call my name. 2 hours later, we went up to this woman behind the window. The place was packed full of people, some, the most ghetto of ghetto. The lady behind the counter asked for our marriage certificate, which we gave her.

“I'm sorry but we can't accept this.” She said.
“Excuse me what do you mean? this is a valid certificate.” I was starting to get angry; I hate waiting around for two and a half hours to be turned down.
The lady explained that since the gay marriages, the government no longer recognizes marriage certificates from the county of San Francisco, which was what I presented to her. In my lady like fashion I calmly told her that she was full of it and that it could be accepted, she hadn't even looked at it! She told us to go to the DMV but we had said that we've been and they sent us here. She told us to get another form of ID with my married name on it but we said that we could not until we came to social security first. She refused to help us, she refused to do anything at all and she didn't even do it with a smile, she scowled. I asked to see her supervisor because I wanted another opinion, she said that she would get him but I'd have to take a seat. No, I've been waiting for two and a half hours; you'll go and get him now. When she refused, I refused to leave. She called the security guard but I still refused to leave.

The security guard then decided that if I wasn't going to leave, he was going to call the police and still like a lady I said call them, I love the police! The rent a cop only nodded his head and he left. I was too far in it now and all I wanted to do was to take Mike's last name! The lady behind the counter was just staring at me, folded her arms and just glared at me. I did the same, living in my family I've mastered the stare down and that's what I did. We had a non-blinking five-minute stare down, bitch bring it on!

When the stare down was complete, she just kept shaking her head saying 'such a shame, such a shame.' I interrupted her by asking why she still hasn't gotten her supervisor? She said she could do that but…
“But? You'd rather sit here and waste time rather then just go and get it over with?” She sighed and got up. Finally… and this was after 20 minutes of arguing and waiting, she got the Supervisor. When he came he said that there wasn't anything thing that he can do but he'll look into it for us. That was fine, we went to take a seat and waiting for ten minutes he came back to say that it had all been taking care of and my last name was changed. It was because some San Francisco marriage certificates show applicant one and applicant two instead of bride and groom, and they couldn't accept the former. She just didn't bother looking at the full certificate, which said bride and groom's information. If she had looked at it, we could have been in and out in 10 minutes but no, she had to be a right stroppy cow about it. But most importantly, no cops!

8. Day 9- we go to San Francisco to see Chinatown, we came back to the car and it was fine, still had 16 minutes left and I wasn't feeling well, we went to Jamba juice (oh how I've missed you!) With our drinks in hand we came back to… no car.

Run down so far: no car, no money to get car, lost somewhere in the financial district, and sick.

By a miracle, some how we got the car back… plus a parking ticket on top of the fine for parking in the yellow zone, which we didn't realize we had.

Now we come to the end, we went to the DMV and got a new license with a new last name and I'm still ill, oh well at least the holiday from hell is over.

A suggestion?

2005-03-26T11:16:00.002-08:00

We met with Dave and Am the other day at Coffee Cake and Kink. We were there early, which was a first for us, so we decided to browse their wonderful book selection. They had one book on hold for me which was: 'The Seductive Art of Japanese Rope Bondage' by Midori, which contains a very good half suspension technique that I want to try out, strike that, have done to me. The other book I bought was: 'The Compleat Spanker' by Lady Green. We sat, had our coffee and talked for a while, and then Dave and Am joined us.

We schmoosed for a bit and Dave looked at all the different books. Lost in conversation with Am, I had forgotten my basic instructions, which were:

Make sure the cup is full
Just 2 spoonfuls of brown sugar
A dash of milk

I did none of the above, so Mike lifted his cup and held it in front of my face, saying oops and sorry a few times. I poured the coffee and put in the sugar.

“And I would like to have a suggestion of milk please.” He said, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. I already hated the whole 'dash' of milk thing and now a suggestion? Whatever!

I looked Mike straight in the face while picking up the mini milk pitcher and poured the whole thing in, turning the coffee white.

“There's your suggestion Sir.”

I thought it was funny and Am laughed too, but I don't think Mike found it too funny.
Towards the end of our time at CCK I bought a collar that Mike wanted and feeling the need (and it was a strong desire) to get another flogger (because you can never have too many) we left to do just that. With Am wearing her collar and me, in mine.

We ended up going to Sh! Women's Erotic Emporium, which was really nice and welcoming, I didn't feel… for lack of a better word, sleazy going in or coming out.

Mike and I looked around for a flogger and when I just about have given up hope, I found corsets! Under bust ones as well, (I am almost coming to an end to my collection all I need left now is a 1950's plunge over bust and a waist cincher) and in different colours. I just went for the old stand by, black. Though the assistant laced me into a red and purple but purple isn't my thing and the red just didn't look right. The black one however, fitted me like a glove and looked good too, which is always important.

At the end of the evening Mike and I went home with more rope, a collar, two books, corset, bunny ears and a funny bob tail (which came with purchases over £50) and a vibrator, which was a prize for the Easter egg hunt at Sh! But I still didn't have my flogger! Oh well.

We got home and crashed.

Today, I was awarded my 'IOU spanking' for the suggestion of milk. Mike said he was mad about the way I did it and how I defied him in front of others… however I only got 40 OTK spankings and I feel like I got off light, the punishment should fit the crime.

Anyway pictures of the purchases… don't make fun!

My Sunday best collar

My new Voller Under bust corset

Corset and new collar

And Bunny ears

An unfortunate accident happened to the tail… Luna is using it to be her new chew toy.

Words are poison darts of pleasure

2005-03-23T04:29:00.000-08:00

The other night Mike and I had a blow out. During this time I wondered something 'The Talking Heads' have already coined: “How did I get here?”

I met Mike online, he emailed me saying only three words: 'You intrigue me.' he intrigued me too, so I emailed him back and we met and we fell in love… with our fair share of ups and downs, some of the time it was mostly down but we stayed together through it all. Finally now that life has gotten back on track, we felt it was time to rest.

So, what's the problem? I guess the problem is me. I have been abused for what seems like every day of my life, I was abused by my father, I was abused by some boyfriends and I was abused (quite badly) by my former dom. I am so quick to love someone because of a desire to be loved at all; I so desperately want to be loved. But, and here's the kicker, when I am in love or loved, I for some reason try to destroy it.

I want it but I can't have it.

I think that it has a lot to do with the abuse in my life, when I settle into a relationship; they end up turning on me and eventually abusing me. So to stop them from even getting the chance to hurt me, I sabotage the relationship. That's what I did last night.

It's a long story about what really happened to provoke our fight but I felt the resolution was to separate. Seeing as though we couldn't fight any more (and seeing that it's REALLY too late for my fear of commitment) we talked, we shared our feelings and we sat in silence. I could have walked out but there was no reason to, so I stayed.

We laughed, then we made love and we slept. Does marriage ever get easier?

We have decided to keep up with my training and to live our lives happily ever after. Spring has sprung!

Our puppy, Luna

The day after yesterday... which is today

2005-03-21T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have been studying... and hard. It's finals time and what normally comes with finals is depression, which hit me hard. I feel like a mess, I feel like a failure, I feel numb, I feel sad. I feel like whatever I do isn't good enough, beautiful enough, great enough, thought provoking, or anything really. I tried so hard.

I took the hardest one today and I feel wiped...

But what do you do when you need a pick me up? You do what ever red blooded woman would do...You go shopping! And that I did... in spades!

The first thing I bought was a bag from Radley, which is freaking cool and not worth the price... but it had a Westie on it (What can I say, I'm weak!). Still feeling a bit, blah. So I bought a digital camera... and took pictures of whatever I could find laying around the house, like this card.

I found it in a pet store... of all places.

I have one more project to do and I'm done for this term! I need luck...

Chin up!

2005-03-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

Mike has been boasting about our new collar to various people with the response of: 'Well, what does it look like?' So I went to the site here and found a picture of it. The site itself is… well, ewww… but they do have a really nice leather waist cincher and under bust corset, which I'm going to purchase. Anyway, this is the only picture I could find of it on this site (please note: this is NOT me!)

I don't think it's that bad, I just can't look down, swallow, yawn, or move for that matter, heck if I'm lucky, I might be able to breathe but that would be on a good day. For some reason, when we were at the Fetish Fair, Mike was just drawn to it and didn't hesitate to have me try it on in front of everyone... and he didn't hesitate to get it either... *sigh*

…To My Master…

2005-03-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

I read your post and for the first time in a long time I felt, warm. You always have a knack in making me feel warm inside when I need it the most. You have been my best friend, my worse enemy and my lover all rolled into one and I knew I loved you from the moment I saw you waiting at Embankment station.

You push me to well in all my endeavors and everything you do is for my best interest and I appreciate that. When you get bogged down, when you're sad or when you're hurt… it breaks my heart, I want to do everything I can for you, I want to give you what you've given me. It's been a bumpy ride but we'll come out all right in the end.

I adore you, everything about you… Your strength, your love and your support.

Forget salvation, I'm damned baby!

2005-03-02T04:52:00.000-08:00

It all started… actually rewind a little farther then that which will bring us to April 16, 2004. On that day I was walking out of Baker Street station and someone stopped me, he recognized me but not really. He had read my blog and recognized the sliver bell attached to a sky blue ribbon, the one Mike had given me on our first meet. This man stopped me and asked about how everything was going with me… creepy.

Which brings us to now, walking out of Waterloo East station on my way to the Jubilee line this guy stops me. He had been on my train and was staring at me. I thought it was just some dude looking at my chest, I was wearing Mike's black shirt, unbuttoned in all of the right places to tease but not get too much.

On my way out, he stops me.

“Excuse me, is your name Diane?”
“Yes, do I know you?”
“No, but I know you.” He smiled. That was a no thank you in my book so I just said, okay and left.

“No wait, wait a minute! I read your blog.” He said… and I stopped, very confused at this point.
“How do you know me?”
“Your fish necklace.” Ah yes, the fish. Mike had turned it into an everyday collar for me, so I had it on. I'm now thinking that this was as creepy as the last guy. We talked for a little while but I was late so I said good-bye and left in a rush.

With that still in my head, I rushed up to the ticket barrier and reached into my pocket to pull out my ticket and when my hand came out, I smacked the person beside me with such force they lost their balance. I turned to my left to apologize to the unfortunate person I whacked in the face and to my dismay it was a Nun. I whacked a Nun in the face. Now, I'm not a person that believes in anything really… but I know better then to hit a religious figure. I wish I could say that I gave her my most sincerest apology but let's face it, I was in a rush so a simple sorry sent me on my way.

I think she bestowed a papal bull on me because the series of events that happened later…

Kinky folk are my folk

2005-02-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

Standing and waiting for the Piccadilly line to go to Covent Garden. These are the rules: Coffee in cup, two spoonfuls of brown sugar and a dash, yes a dash of milk. Stir until sugar is completely melted and serve. Do make sure that cup is always full of coffee; he shouldn't need to ask. The seating arrangement: On the floor and at his knees, facing everyone else, arms and elbows off the table. Be polite; keep the bad language down to a minimum and smile. Most of all: DON'T BE NERVOUS!

Arrived at Coffee, Cake and Kink, we've met B before but we didn't meet C his other half, so this would be the day that we did and also Helen (another kinky blogger whose link I can't find). I want to say that this was going to be a breeze but I have to say that I was a nervous wreck and I didn't want to go. I guess, since we were already there it was too late to turn back now.

After a long phone conversation with my father, I went in.

We made our introductions and went down stairs to wait for Helen. We sat, C and I were perched on the floor across from each other, divided by the rectangle birch wood table. Silence reigned for what seemed like an hour but really a minute, I guess we were all nervous. When the ice was broken conversation flowed and laughter followed, talking about everything from dogs to Rammstein. We kept looking out for Helen but in this process of waiting we met another Domme. She came over to us, pulled up a cushion and started chatting to us about a dungeon she's associated with.

And then Helen came.

Actually, I feel VERY guilty for being nervous to meet her, because she was the sweetest thing! Very funny and pleasant. I also really liked C; she was very nice as well! Right, moving on… We drank loads of coffee (causing me to get extremely sick) and had lots to say about everything and nothing, which seems to be a running trend. I had so much coffee that I stopped making sense after the third cup, uh, not that I made any to begin with! After a few hours we left and went on a jewelry hunt for Helen, she got a beautiful heart necklace and Mike got me a 'practical' collar. It's a very fine sliver choker band with a modern stylized fish pendent, the fish looked like a cat had clawed it because it was in strips.

Waiting outside, C and I joked about the age old question: 'What do you want for dinner?' and the responses we get from our husbands. It was nice to have shared similarities with someone…

Parting with Helen, Mike, B, C and I decided that we needed food. After having an adventure with the bathroom of death, awful white wine and sodas and trying to find a vegetarian restaurant that wasn't packed; that is after getting side tracked by masks; we found a world restaurant and we ate. My god that food was amazing!

What always seems to be just a meeting, we always seem to take random field trips. Last time we went to a few fetish stores and this time we went to The Virgin Megastore on a hunt to find the Pedro Almadovar DVD box set for Mike. B and C were very patient with us as I was relentless to find it (because Mike wanted it since it came out). When we couldn't find it and I was dragged out by Mike, we left.

Got on the train and said our good-byes and parted ways.

We walked home and Mike promised that we were going to 'christen' my new collar and I am going to be punished for the remark I made in Coffee, Cake, and Kink…

Things I learned: Don't make snippy remarks towards your Dom because you will be punished!

Cigarettes and Chocolate milk

2005-02-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

… these are just a couple of my cravings…

Walking out in the cold with Luna as the sky dispels of its fluff like an over turned powered sugar shaker. Luna trots alongside me, occasionally leaning back on her hind legs to catch the flakes on her tongue. I'm filling my ears with music, singing 'Feeling Good', the Muse version. It's times like this I wonder what my friends are doing in California; Jimmy's got a new job in the Castro, how is Kevin? So, Guy's moving? Is everyone leaving? Huh, I guess they are. Home is like a craving for something of the past, something I used to have… not anymore. (Cigarettes and Chocolate milk- Rufus Wainwright... he always sings the story of my life)

As Mike posted on his blog, training has begun. What he didn't mention was I disobeyed several orders: I didn't lay all of implements he had requested on the bed, I was missing the ball gag and the vibrator. But, the most deliberate act of disobedience is when I refused… REFUSED to ready myself for the butt plug, I was asked to put lube on my fingers and place it in an area unfamiliar to me and I looked at him and laughed saying: 'You're joking!'

Mike didn't hesitate to grab the paddle I despise… growling at it (as you do) and wincing at each stroke. I have a long way to go but slowly but surely we're getting there… and having fun…cause that's what it's all about.

Adventures in slave training

2005-02-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

It has been decided that I am to undergo 'training'. Not that I didn't see this coming, I haven't been the best I can be…ever. Mike has been really relaxed about our DD because life has just gotten in the way and picking up on his relaxation, I took it upon myself to walk all over him. I know, how kind of me. Which brings us to now, slave training. Throughout the day Mike will deliver instructions via his blog and on mine I have to write my experiences. When training is complete we will have an official collaring ceremony.

We started today; I was paddled not because I was being punished but because Mike felt like it. After that we had sex but when it was all over, I waited for my normal after sex orgasm… and I waited, and waited, then he got up and said that he wanted to go into the front room. Mike asked if I was going to join him and I was tongue-tied, do I say 'honey, mind if I come?' or do I just let it go?

I decided to let it go and not say anything, is it my place to ask? Yes I think it is… so I asked and he replied: “I'm saving it for later. You'll have an orgasm when I let you have one, this is a part of your training.” *sigh* bummer.

A dreaded sunny day, so I'll meet you at the cemetery gates...

2005-02-15T01:29:00.000-08:00

Everything has been bothering me!

I don't like Valentines Day, in fact, though married I chose to boycott it. Less of a stand then my last protests but it still factored rather high in my book. I'm in such a sour disposition and I don't know why… actually I put it down to school, school makes me this way. I've been editing my film. A film short about a dog stealing homework from a table, actually it's pretty clever. The first part of the project is over which was filming and editing… in silence. The second part of the project is to take music to it and edit accordingly. I've chosen 3 songs that no one liked causing me to get another one. I've spent most of my time watching Eddie Izzard and telling everyone to fuck off, with two fingers.

Our 6 month wedding anniversary was on Saturday and the Rufus Wainright concert is in April… the day of our first date even. We spent it with my Dad and step mum… in a cemetery… we felt a bit Goth that day so we decided to go forth and retake our wedding portraits… because cemetery and weddings go hand in hand.

I felt a bit strange putting us on the blog because of insecurities but out of all 89 pictures I liked this one because it didn't look that bad. The wind was so bad that there were up turned trees and my veil even flew off several times. My dress, which was the weight of three small children and the wind gusting around did not make a pretty picture, not that I take good pictures anyway but there you go. It might go up but we'll see how it goes tonight.

Ah, I'd better go and finish my homework.

This Charming Man

2005-02-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

Relaxing after tea (dinner) we both sat on the couch, everything seems to start on the couch. Mike turned to me and smiled, “Kitten, I think you want to be spanked. No, you're going to be spanked, get into the bedroom and get on the bed.”

No questions asked I scurried to my feet and went into the bedroom; I got on my hands and knees and just waited. I waited for what seems like forever silently singing 'Anticipation' and he walked through the door. “Drop your panties, you should know well enough not to have them on.” I quickly got them off and waited as he lifted my skirt, he didn't say what he was going to do but it doesn't matter. He placed his hand on my backside and I took a deep breath and on exhale the words finally were uttered as he began.

Master has such a sharp slap across my ass, which always had me arching up in an attempt to ask for more… which, he delivers with grace and ease, painful and precious to me. I wiggled and squirmed as he moved on from his hands to a paddle and I embraced it and suddenly he was finished. “Get up kitten, that was 100.” Really? We then made love and it was wonderful but as we finished, Master let out a little laugh. “I think I'm going to give you a little break then we'll continue, I've been out of practice for too long and we need to catch up.” Smiling, I agreed and an hour later we continued, back on the bed I went.

Master took two toys out of our bag, a butt plug and a double-sided paddle. One side of the paddle is soft suede and the other is very stiff leather (Jekyll and Hyde). Sitting the plug down next to me he went to work on my backside with the Jekyll and Hyde, it tasted like razorblades… it hurt so deliciously bad. It cut deep into my skin, I could feel the welts rising and burning me but like a whore I cried out for harder strikes. Master obliged and thrashed me, god I want it harder! He paused for a moment and a cold sensation was felt. He parted my cheeks, slowly pushing in the plug. I whined and winced and tried to pull away, “You know you love it.” Oh, no I don't! I thought but there was no way out of this now, it was in.

He unzipped his trousers and began to stroke his cock (thank goodness for mirrors). I proudly presented myself to him and he took full advantage of it. Taking me from behind he started with long, stiff strokes and I leaned back into his stomach. He bent over on top of me and started to ride me, grinding his cock and the plug deep inside of me. As he speeding up his momentum both fucking me nice and hard, grasping the duvet I buried my face into it, screaming my head off. Harder…fuck…HARDER I cried.
“Thank me for fucking you Kitten.”
“Thank you for fucking me.”
“Sorry? Who are you thanking?” He asked, I gasped and moaned, trying to catch my breath so I could answer.
“You.”
“Who I am?”
“My Master.” I responded.
“Go on then.”
“Thank you for fucking me, Master.” I came to orgasm and fell forward but he wasn't finished. Grabbing onto my hips he brought forward placing me back on him and continued, squeezing my hips and pounding both his cock and the plug inside of me. When he came, falling forward and trying to catch his breath, I rolled over and I was happy.

Our six-month anniversary is on Saturday… I can't believe we've made it this far… it only seems like we've just gotten married. For our half year of being married, Mike surprised me with tickets to see Rufus Wainright… Sweet!

2 Things

2005-02-07T10:56:00.000-08:00

I have a few things to talk about today. The first of which is this thing I got from Amethyst's blog. Ah, the stick has been passed.
The Random ten:

1. They Might Be Giants- Particle man
2. Diva- Can't wait for the weekend (to begin)
3. Cibo Matto- Sugar water
4. Marlena Shaw- California Soul
5. Cake- I will survive
6. Doves- M62 song
7. The Von Bondies- C'mon C'mon
8. Kaiser Chiefs- I predict a riot
9. The Smiths- Unhappy birthday
10. Sex Pistols- Pretty Vacant

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
5,089

The last CD you bought
Goldfrapp- Black Cherry

What is the last song you listened to before this message:
Frou Frou- Let go

Write down the five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you
1. Zero 7 -Give it away- This is my FAVOURITE song!
2. The Smiths -The night has opened my eyes- Because it reminds of a mistake I made, especially with the line: 'She could have been a poet or she could have been a fool, you did a bad thing'.
3. New Order -True faith- Just because it reminds me of Mike.
4. Elbow -Grace under pressure- Not just because it was my walk down the aisle song, but it calms me down whenever I'm freaking out.
5. Nico -Fairest of the seasons- I love this song it feels like she's going to fall apart at any moment in each of her songs… this song just means soooo much to me.

Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (3 persons and why?)
1. Mike- because he has great taste in music
2. Zaque- Because he has amazing taste in music
3. My little sister because I need a laugh

The other day Mike and I tried out the D rings he installed to our ceiling. Instead of doing my homework I watched as his plan unfolded. He took out our great bag O'kink and dumped it onto the floor and pulled out the ropes. Rigging them up and seeing which one will fit where and how, I won't go into too much about it because he already blogged about it but it didn't end as well as I'd like it too.

The end was me, still tied, blind folded and bent over with my husband holding onto my waist and thrusting into me… this all leads to a mental note: ***Mental Note, put the dog in the other room! This concludes the mental note*** Luna leapt at my face and I started to toppled over and Mike decided that this wasn't working so that was a disappointing end.

Maybe we went too fast, with it being out of lives for so long I feel that perhaps we rushed it… needless to say that even though I sympathize with it now at the time I was a pouting child. I feel so bad about it because I know he tried so hard for us. So I came up with a conclusion: write a love letter.

I wrote Mike a love letter after school today and I dropped it in the post today. Hopefully he'll like it.

Any day now, I shall be relased

2005-02-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

The conversation of not having kink in our lives has come on several occasions and even went as far as packing all of the toys, clothing, implements, books and even this blog in a bag and ready for disposal. In a heated argument and when tempers unraveled into shreds, I was left on my knees and sobbing but strangely enough I wasn't anywhere him, as he noted: 'Look at this, instead of hugging me, you've turned to that bag and gave it more affection then me.'

At that moment, it hit me. Inside that bag was me; this it is what made me. From the age of nine I had it and could never let go.

That was three months ago and nothing has changed. Sorted conversations and begging but nothing; you know, you can crawl on your hands and knees for so long but you start getting rug burns on existing ones. As Mike wrote in his blog: 'These tensions are exacerbated by Kitten needing her punishments as a cathartic release from the pressures, so any let up leads to more frustration all round.'

We had a long conversation the other day about how I feel that he is depriving me of release. Endorphins, Dopamine adds up to the same chemical composition of Morphine. Morphine, something doctors give patients to ease pain… and now we hit the irony of the situation: I need pain in order to ease pain.

“It's a coping mechanism for me, cathartic and I feel that you're depriving me of release.” I told him, I was very upset and masking whatever feeling I had about the situation. Mike turned to me, solemnly he said: 'I understand.' I understand, is that all you can say? You understand but nothing, nothing at all. Sometimes I feel like he hears me but doesn't listen to me.

You can't spank yourself, well you can but it won't be nearly as enjoyable and there wouldn't be any compassion behind it. What can I do? I can't not have it because I'd be denying myself my life. He understands but does nothing about it.

Coming home today, there was a new antique gold with black lace trimmed corset for me and an order to wear it… there must be a change in the wind.

All in the timing

2005-02-04T05:15:00.000-08:00

We sat on the couch watching The Bill when a commercial break came on. I yawned, stretching my legs and sliding my left leg over his lap and leaning back into the right hand corner of the couch. I propped my head in my hands and rested, Mike rested his hands on my leg, sliding them up and down. I smiled and they made their way down my thigh and paused at the top of my panties. I sighed and looked over at him.

“Yes Kitten?” He asked, lowering his eyes, letting a smile etch his face. I shook my head, no, nothing was wrong. His hand moved in and under my panties, gently stroking and teasing my clit. “Take your pants off Kitten.” He said. I stood and did so, going into the other room and removing my pants. I walked back in, lifted my skirt in the back and sat back down on the couch placing my legs back in the same position. Master slid his hand back under my skirt and began to stroke my clit again. I purred under his fingers as they were playing and stroking and then he stopped. He then stood up, un zipped his trousers and reveled his erected cock, I licked my lips to show where I wanted it but he only smiled and began to masturbate. I don't know what it is but I love it when a man masturbates!

With one hand on my clit and the other on his cock, bringing us both to orgasm he ordered me to do something I haven't really done before: “Kitten, I want you to masturbate for me.” I hesitated slightly but I did it, “That's it slut,” he encouraged, “Show me how dirty you are.” I proudly stroked myself for him; he smiled and stroked himself for me. Master took his free hand and invaded me, pumping and making me cry out. I brought my self to orgasm, with his help and he brought himself to orgasm with my display. “I want to cum on you Kitten, lift your shirt.” Up it went as he leaned over me and came. It's about time!

We also have finished the plans for suspension rigs in all of the rooms so work begins on Saturday!

Sensual Tales... the novel

2005-02-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

Well after a long and grueling battle with Damien (my power book) and the broadband router. Glad to say that 3 hours later and a mile long phone bill we have success! Mike and I have been talking about getting the net at home for a while but we've delayed it because we both know that there will be a lot of time sat in front of it... but now with school up and running for me and Mike's promotion causing him to (grudgingly) work more at home. So here we have it, which means I can get down to answering e-mails and lots more blogging.

A lot has change in the last couple of days, the most important one is a publishing company has shown massive interest in Sensual tales. Wow, who woulda thought that would happen? I don't want to curse it but I hope that everything goes well... we need the money. There's a school trip to the film festival in Cannes, which I so desperately want to go to... speaking of, does anyone need a kidney? So hopefully fingers crossed we'll have it published and I can keep my kidney. Speaking of, every blog will be up dated by tomorrow.

Please, please, please let me get what I want

2005-01-19T01:47:00.000-08:00

I am your guilty pleasure, a filthy secret that you keep tucked away in the bottom drawer. Every time you see me you want to take me to bed, let my dirty arms wrap around you, in case you, melt into you.

Yes, I'm a whore but I can be your whore. I can show you things that you would only be ashamed of. Just let me scream your name while you pull my hair, drip sweat on my body as you hold me close. Tell me you love me, demand that you need me. Let me taste the cane, smell the scent of leather. Tie me to the back of your car, just let me get what I want!

A home in the home counties

2005-01-12T02:02:00.000-08:00

Moving! Again... We're waiting for someone to buy Mike's old flat so we can buy a house of our own... It's been on the market for what seems like ETERNITY... but we have decided that it was time to move out of our other flat which was poorly constructed and into another one. This new flat is in the home county of Kent ("Englands' garden") and is a converted school house with almost all of it's original features... and a massive concrete chapel window in the front from, arches and all. Mike and I have been frantically trying to move it into the twenty first century, have I mentioned that this place is 278 years old? The front room has to be painted, correction, the whole house needs to be cleaned and painted but it's such a nice place. It has high ceilings with beams and I am already being sent to work on eyebolt installations for suspension. I'm not sure how I fell about that, I'm going to be hung quite high and I don't do heights very well. Not to mention how hard it is to paint and straight line with Mike firmly spanking me and telling me to concentrate.

Everything is changing and I feel fine, Mike bought me a puppy and I started school... things seem to be fitting into place. Except for the dog. Mike bought me a west highland white terrier, she's six months old and odd wouldn't be the word for her. She's a nervous wreck, which is probably why we get along so well. I named her Luna and she takes to the name like a starlet.

So more moving and more packing and everything well go fine...

This is my truth, what's yours?

2004-12-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

"If today is all we see, then tomorrow seems to me, it's an illusion we believe."
- Zero 7, 'Morning Song'

If I can say anything at all about 2004 I would like to say thank god that it's over. I went through so much and I still can't seem to work it all out in my... I can't seem to work out how I've come so far. This time last year I was in California... just a little girl in the arms of some boy who said that he'd take care of me and love me for the rest of my life and come to find out that at the same time this year non of that took place.

What I'm about to say, well, I have posted several private posts because I didn't want people to read what's been going on in my life... the truth is I was scared, alone and quite sad but this is me and it's shaped me to be who I am right now, this minute, this second.

At the end of October, I had a miscarriage. To be honest I didn't even realise I was pregnant until I fell ill and went to get checked out. It was a combination of things which related to a former flatmate causing more stress then necessary... I suppose it was because Mike and I didn't have enough money to keep her friendship with us. Whore. With that being said, she left and I don't have a child. I thought about it long and hard and now wonder if I really wanted one at that time any way... The more I thought about it, the more I wondered what the hell do I want out of my life?

I want a big house, a big house with a fuck off television, kids and a mini van to put them in. I want football practices (soccer) and cashmere over the shoulder sweaters. I want two dogs and a cat, white picket fences and rose gardens. I want, I want, I want!

As I'm typing this, Mike is shaking his head at me... he knows this isn't what I truly want. I know it isn't, what the hell would I do with a mini van? I want to give him a child, that's the only thing I could want. It's difficult to express this, it wasn't until I found out about the cancer did I then realise that I wanted to reproduce... it wasn't until I made a mistake did I realise that it couldn't be reversed. It is more than that... I know I shouldn't beat myself up about it but I feel that as a submissive, I'm not giving him what he wants, therefore I feel like I'm displeasing my Master. Mike knows and sympathises with the situation and doesn't blame me for anything, he holds me tightly and tells me we'll get through this.

I hate the past, it always comes back to haunt me. However, as you learn... that's the past and all you can do is keep trying. The past doesn't go away it only gets easier to deal with. One day I'll give him his child.

It's quite hard you know? Being isolated from the world you once knew, California seems so far away, I keep clicking my heels but I don't get to go back. Friends, family, life, it's all there and I mourn for it. I haven't gotten the chance to make friends here, I haven't gotten the time to spread myself out. I haven't done it because I feel like I'll be rejected, then once more be isolated and alone. Mike can only take me so far but I need other people to talk to, to just sit with... if I could. California is a long way from here and there is no where else to go but forward and not to look back.

So this New Years, I think will be our year, Mike and I. 2005 holds so much promise and more pain but this time I feel that there will be a lot more glory as well. In the words of PJ Harvey- 'One day there'll be a place for us.'

I wonder if I have the guts to publicly post this one...

Attending mass

2004-12-24T07:52:00.000-08:00

When life gets me down, I find it best to go to church and sit and listen. Though, I don't worship in the normal ways most people do...

The last couple of days I was at the church of Earls Court, the ministers were Morrissey, The Zutons and Muse... and life was good!!!

Mike and I would just like to say everyone have a Super Solstice!! (I don't do Christmas)

V

2004-12-17T10:48:00.000-08:00

Written by Mike and Diane

Diane: The day started grey and rainy, I won a picture of Keane on XFM a London radio station... well not really, I lost the contest but they admitted to being Christmas centric... and I don't give a toss about it. Would this be a sign?

Mike: We arrived at my university armed and expecting battle, power suits and heels to the full, though Kitten was the only one in heels. We expected to have a spirited fight to wipe out erroneous debts and get Kitten finally enrolled if not then unleash the dogs of war.

Diane: The thing is that I was about to lose my student visa due to the fact that... well there are a lot of thing but my enrollment in school was the final nail in the coffin. This still isn't cleared but at least I bought more time. We need to go back to LA and sort it out but there's the little issue of funds to get there.

Mike: We met the President of the school and after a breif skirmish about grades where I had to bring us back to the point he stole my thunder... and gave us what we were going to ask for anyway. All debits wiped out and Kitten got her classes there and then. WTF?

Diane: Asshole

Mike: We're still not out of the hot water yet, Kitten still needs her visa and can still be kicked out but at least we have more time. Thanks to everyone for cares and concerns... trust us, we REALLY appreciate it.

B. going to the home office site as we speak... thanks for that!!

V is for victory!!

Let me die here so that I may taste such a sweet fate!

2004-12-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

That could very well be my flair for the dramatic but these are uncertain times. In my life I have seen almost everything that I could want to see, done everything I could want to do and had everything I could want to have.

Well there are afew things that are missing but I'll learn to accept. However, what I won't accept being seperated from my husband, it took us this long to meet each other. Hurdles where laid out and we jumped as high as we could, which I guess wasn't high enough. I won't accept being seperated which seems almost certain if I get deported... which could be on Friday. Okay, okay... that's dramatic but it's true.

So, until I (hopefully) post again on Friday... I leave with ol' blue eyes.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Coffee, Cake, and kink anyone?

2004-12-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

Stand up and introduce yourself... My name is Diane AKA Kitten.

It was a brisk walk to London Bridge station to catch the Northern line to Kings Cross-St. Pancras station, from there we hopped on the Piccadilly line to Covent Garden and hiked up 9 flights of stairs. We strolled down the ally ways and side streets of Theaterland and landed at the doorstep of Coffee, Cake, and Kink.

Mike turned to me as I halted at the corner.

"Com'on Kitten." He said.
"I think I want to turn around and go back. I guess, it's too late for that." I said nervously.
"No, it's not too late, we haven't gone in yet." He said. "Come on, I'm sure he's really nice." Mike turned around and walked in, I paused; then followed in after him.

When you read other people's blogs you tend to get sort of an image of them in your head, when it comes down to DD-D/s blogs that image is slightly warped. You think that the person is some whip wielding so-an-so goth. Someone donned in all black with Crow make up and a sour disposition on life. What we were greeted with was B.

B. From Randomess. He said he was tall and he is. He's also exteremely friendly and we were met with a big smile as we introduced ourselves. No Crow make up, no all black Goth outfit, no whip being wielded. He also knew who we were instantly, and we ordered coffee, sat down and proceeded to have a natter about ourselves, our lives, our likes and dislikes ...

"Brown Showers???"
"EEEuuuwwww!!!!" all round.

"Canes, Crops, Bathbrushes???"
"MMmmmmm.....!!!"

We spent a long time in Coffee, Cake and Kink admiring the surroundings, the books and the images on the walls, and generally getting along. However, time passed quickly and we agreed to have a field trip up to Fettered Pleasures in Highbury.

Leaving the Cafe, we strolled to the Tube and went on our way. Arriving at Fettered Pleasures, we were buzzed in (uber discreet!!!!) and entered an Aladdin's Cave of Kink. Some items being downright frightening...

Mike took an interest in Corsets, Crops ... and the DogMan mask and Cage. The latter of which freaked me out somewhat!!!! But, what the hell - it was hot!!!! (Sit up and beg ... there's a Good girl.)

B. bought some items - but we're pledged to secrecy - and we had a final drink at, appropriately enough, the Famous Cock pub before catching the Tube home. We parted at London Bridge, agreeing to arrange a future meet (hopefully C. will be able to make it), and had such a good day that we only then realised we hadn't actually eaten anything all day!!!!

Boy, I wonder what B. made of us?

(Apologies go to B. I wrote this in the evening of the Saturday we met, however, Blogger being Blogger has meant that I’ve only just managed to post it. Sorry B.!

However, this has also meant that I’ve been able to add two more stories to Sensual Tales for all of you out there on the edge of your seats … your patience is appreciated!)

Sensual Healing

2004-12-03T08:54:00.000-08:00

Kisses enveloped in a sea of soft touches, his fingers melted into my skin and my lips sucked the breath from his. Do you want me? Nibbling at his neck, letting my hand dangle down to his erect cock. Gentle strokes and caresses on it's head. Can you love me? I am so hard to love, I'm not the easiest person to get along with; I don't show emotion... I just wasn't raised that way.

He dipped his slender fingers in between my thighs, my moaning evaporated into the air like mist on a cool autum's morning. One hand massaging his cock while the other grabbed onto him, holding him so tight for fear of letting go. I'm afraid to let go of you, did you know that? I need you to discipline me, I need you to teach me, I want you to love me for the horrible wreck that I am. With my orgasm building, he moved my hand away from his cock and pinned it behind my head, holding it firmly in place.

"Ride it Kitten." He growled, I did as instructed. I let it mount me and take hold of me, it gripped me like his fingers and rattled me hard, pouring through me like a warm river.

I came - my senses soaring then coming slowly back to reality.

This just about sums it up

2004-11-23T08:51:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been great! Mike and I went to Erotica on Friday and broke the bank with everything that we bought. Unfortunately, no Saint Andrew's Cross for Kitten but we got wickedly cool devices for punishment and pleasure, not to mention an awesome pair of shoes. These shoes are great, 6 inch stelletoes, below the ankle lace ups... It's a shame I've put being a Mistress on hold, these shoes are very matronly. Mike has me wear them when I'm the maid of the house...though you can't really walk in them. The main thing is that I look FABULOUS!

It's hard to play catch up when so much has been happening in the last week and a half, there has been a driving need of change in our relationship which was nice. I credit it to the contract negotiations Mike and I had the other night and him expressing more dominance... which is always nice. Things have been looking up and I can't wait for all the right things to sort themselves out.

Another cool thing is our new obession with films, we got unlimited monthly passes to certain theaters and we've been going almost everyday. The last one we just saw was 'I Heart Huckabees'... there is nothing I can say about that movie except for pure genius and funny as hell. I suppose that's all I have for now...

Viva Hate!

2004-11-18T08:10:00.000-08:00

Last night was building up to be a pleasurable night filled with torture, teasing, tying and all of my favourite objects being used to make me wiggle and squirm. Last night was building up to be such a pleasurable night and it didn't happen. The prelude to my evening was Mike and I going down to our local pub and watching the football match, England v Spain, in Madrid.

I love watching football, especially if it's Manchester United or England as a whole so I was game to go. What we got was the most childish, disgusting and down right racist thing I've ever had the chance to witness on television. England has a lot of black players on their team, Spain does not. Whenever a black player would take possession of the ball, the crowd would (at the top of their lungs) make monkey noises and chants. It was so loud that it couldn't be bleeped out or hidden. Everyone in the pub just sat their in silence wondering what the hell was going on and if they were going to continue to allow that. They did.

The black players (some of the best players on that team) couldn't play up to standards, emotionally and I don't blame him. It's 2004 knocking on 2005 and we can't (this world) can't put something like fascism and racism in the past? What is even more so ironic is the fact that they were all wearing 'Let's kick the racism out of football' shirts as they were training. Like that did any good. I was ashamed, I was ashamed because if I were them, I would have walked off the pitch, I would have done something. What is this need to sit around and just take it?

My night didn't happen because I was so pissed (in two ways) I couldn't bring myself into a right state of mind. So I went home (staggered) and did the next best thing, rant and listen to music. This is when it hit me, I think my favourite artist could very well be racist as well, with songs like 'The National front disco' and 'Bengali in platforms' all signs are heading in that direction.

It makes me wonder where the hell was I when all of this was taking place? I have had some racist remarks said about me but I let that slide of my shoulders, like water off a ducks back. Some of them were plain wrong because I'm not of said nationality. But a lot of it was in the scene. I catch hell from being a black (though I'm actually Sicilian/ Sardinian, Jamaican and English... but I have a delicious tan) submissive. Is that odd? I know I'm not the only one but for some reason when I stepped out into the scene there were problems.

Even now, there are issues with my white as the driven snow husband/Master and his tinted wife/sub. Not that we're taking a trip back to 1786, massa type relationship... I just don't see what's wrong. One of these days, it'll be better for everyone, I wonder if I'll be around to see it?

November spawned a monster

2004-11-15T07:03:00.000-08:00

"Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go."
-Marilyn Monroe

I have been silent the last few days. Tragic and the not so have been plauging our strange household and we are strange. It's taken me up til now to feel like I can even manage an entry. I was sad... boy was I sad but now I feel new.

Without going into full detail about everything... I had asked Mike for a divorce. We had reached a problem that emotionally, I wasn't ready for. I was sad, strike that, I was depressed. However, since birth music has always had a profound effect on me and now is no different. I stuck on a not so familiar piece of music and I was over come with sorrow, then a interesting sense of well being. I laid awake and listened to that song on repeat and all seemed so right with the world.

When the next day came with no great hurrah, I told him I changed my mind.

Jack the Ripper

2004-11-09T05:31:00.000-08:00

It was all a surprise, candles lit dinner made and a red rose petal pathway leading from the slightly ajar door to the front room where everything was all laid out. My chosen out fit for the evening was carefully crafted to please my husbands' eye. He liked my sun dress with the tight fit around my curves, the strapless top that clung to the top of my chest and enhanced their fullness. The length was short, just the way he liked it.

When I felt that everything was in it's right place, I took a seat at the table and waited for his return. Shortly after I sat I heard the door creak open, shut and then locked. Clasping my hands together and resting my chin on them I closed my eyes and waited for him to enter the room. I heard foot steps and the shifting of the wood on the floor, the foot steps came near and they stopped, I could feel fingers creeping up my exposed shoulders. They played with my pinned up curly hair, moving the lose strands to my back. He began to massage and kneed my neck, I rolled my head and delighted in his touch. His hands slid forward to my clavicle then back to the sides of my neck.

"You're late." I said jokingly. His hands began to tighten around my throat, choking me. My eyes widened with alarm as I heard him chuckle: "Bitch, I'm right on time." With his hands constricting whatever tried to escape from my lips, his hands tightened then firmly and abruptly pulled my down off my stool and onto the floor. Toppling off the stool I landed on my back, with his hands still on me I was dragged into the front room and planted onto the rug. Released from his grip, rolled over and gasped for air.

"Whore, you should learn to keep your door shut. Strangers could just wander in." He grinned. I tried to scramble to my feet but he pushed me back with his hand. He only laughed at my efforts as he reached over and grabbed my hair lifting my face towards his, I feel like a kitten being held by the scruff of their neck. "You are in store for something very special tonight whore." He then let me go and with that, I landed on my face.

Lifting my face up, the familiar sound of ripping tape and felt his hand on my wrist; taking one; then the other and taping them together behind my back, when he felt that the restraint was nice and tight he nudged me back onto my ass.

"My husband will be here soon and when he gets here, you're gonna fucking wish you never stepped foot in here!" I screamed. He lent forward and clenched my chin.
"I would tape your mouth shut but you have such pretty full lips." He smiled, I spat in his face. He only seemed to be humored by this as he wiped his cheek with the other hand, then releasing my chin he slapped my face. Grinning, "It would be a shame if I didn't take full advantage of them." Standing, he lifted me to my knees and un zipped his pants. I knew what was going to happen next, there was no need to panic because at this point I'm glad to be alive. He unveiled his harden cock and presented it to my mouth. I leaned back to try to escape the inevitable but he just reached back and thrusted my head forward onto it. I didn't need to move or assist, he just continued fucking my mouth. I whimpered underneath him unable to revolt, he then pulled out and walked into my bedroom. Nervously, I waited, oh god what's next? He came back in and attached a collar around my neck and attached that to a leash.

"Since you have no hands you'll have to crawl on your knees. If you fall, I'll just drag you." He said as he began to tug on the leash. Slowly I started to make my way to the bedroom on my knees, trying not to fall over. My neck was already sore from the choking earlier. My knees were killing me by the time I made it to the bedroom door, he sat down on the bed and motioned for me to come over to him. Becoming irritated by my lack of movement, he yanked on the leash sending me down on my chest. Wounded I rolled over on my side, he waited for me to calm down then I motioned for me to come to him again. This time, it was three taps on his inner thigh. I made my way to him and he lifted me back up to my knees. Seeing that I had been crying, he gently wiped my tears. "This will all go a lot better for you if you just cooperate with me whore." He said, pausing for a moment he then began to stroke his cock. It seemed that he was thinking as he was delivering himself pleasure, with his other hand he reached over to my chest and began to maneuver his way into my top and find my nipples.

"Hmm, you must be enjoying this, your nipples are hard." He said with a pleased smile. He halted the masturbation and stood up. Walking behind me, he lifted me to my feet and walking me to the edge of the bed, he stopped and folded me over, face buried into the soft duvet. He lifted up my skirt and began to roar with laughter. "Look at you! You forgot to put something on today." He noted that I wasn't wearing panties. He took two fingers and gently grazed his hand against my slit, poking and prodding me. I wiggled to get away from his fingers but it seemed a lost cause as he held me still and let his fingers invade me.

"I knew you were excited, I can feel it." He went in deeper, I cried out in pain but this seemed to provoke him further as he continued to thrust and work me. He then added another finger and went into a steady rhythmic pumping. I moaned and screamed into the duvet as he added a forth finger, then a fifth. With an almighty thrust his whole fist was fucking me. Tears rolled down my cheek and I could no longer take it, I thrusted against him to get him out of me. I violently wiggled and kicked. "What are you doing whore?"

"I will be your 'whore' no more!" I yelled as I fell back, knocking him down onto his back. With the combination of the sweat and the loosing of the tape, I managed to get an arm free. Which I used to smack him in the face, this was my turn.

I've decided that it wasn't worth it, you're not worth it. All I have to say to be done with it is good bye, Kenn.

Milky white and bathed in moon light

2004-11-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

Nestled in the covers and sheets of our bed, he layed his head on the goose down pillows. I undressed and layed next to him gently grazing my fingertips across his skin and watching him wiggle and moan underneath them. I began to drag my nails down his shoulders and bicep, I breathed in his moans and sighs and I watched him. Pulling the covers off of his back I dragged my nails down his arching back and to the top of his back side while listening to him coo. He profressed how he loved it, how he wanted more and I could feel an urge to do something naughty. I gently pushed his legs apart and slid my hands down his thigh to the base of his balls, his favourite spot to be touched. I tickled and scratched that spot and watched him thrust into the bed, he raised his ass to me and slowly brought it back down, moving like a snake all around.

I wasn't sure if he was ready for what I was about to propose but I felt that I had to give it a try. I stopped for a moment, grabbed the thin butt plug by the side of the bed and the lube. I sat with my legs crossed beside him and gently scratched his ass, causing him to wiggle about.

Calmly I said: "Master, I'm going to use the butt plug on you. Is that okay?" He responded with a muttled moan and I felt it was safe to continue. I know this isn't a very 'submissive' thing to do but I do know a thing or two about the male prostate. I greased up the plug and held my breath for fear of him not liking what I was about to do. I aimed it at my spot and pushed it in slowly, while I was massaging his beautifully erect cock. He took to it rather nicely I thought as I began to fuck him with it. Master rose his as to me as I began to masturbate his cock, turning over he laid me on my back and began to play with me. I was in a very uncomfortable position at this point, on my back with one hand around his back with the plug, the other on his cock, not to mention my legs spread wide open with his fingers intruding into me.

As I worked away with the plug, Master rode it and fucked my hand at the same time. Suddenly he lifted my hand from his cock and started to stroke himself faster and faster in time with my thrusts. He then said he was cumming, and I looked up to see him convulse and then shoot his cum into my face and mouth. As he wiped his cock around my mouth, his cum trickled down my chin onto my neck and chest. Not bad for my first experiment with this, I thought as I licked the cum from my lips. Master seemed pleased too as he collapsed on the bed. Besides I'm a firm believer in if you want to use that on me, I'm gonna use it on you too.

I don't want to be an American Idiot

2004-11-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

Today is my favourite day ever, election day. I'm going to be honest when I say that I wasn't planning on voting until Mike caught wind of it and said that if I don't he'd do it for me... with that being said, my ballot was sent off and I sealed it with a kiss. I've been stopped by so many people that catch on to my accent and ask how I feel about Bush or how I feel about Kerry and they're really shocked to hear me go off on both parties. I have never been the type of person to settle or take the lesser of two evils I do research, facts and what they represent. It's all about this damn war, war, war, war. I'm so fucking sick of this war, maybe it's because I'm a pacifist or maybe it's because I've been there, I just wonder what were the reasons for the war? There were no weapons of mass destruction, not that they could really afford to make them either... I mean really, think about it, the answer that I get is Saddam was a bad man that had to go. Okay, that's fine, if that's the case then march your ass down to Africa and get rid of Robert Mugabe or how about Jamaica where people are murdered everyday for being a homosexual and the government and police know and don't do anything about it, what about genocide that is still going on in parts of the world most people don't even know exists? And don't even get me started on North Korea... These kids even have an advert that they play during the news called: Fucking USA. There is a truth and we don't get to see it, we don't get to hear it... We're just a nation built on lies and we're used to it... This is my first time voting and all I have to say is: If you tolerate this, then your children will be next and no offense but 'I'm don-don-done with all the fa-fa-fucking around'. I think Morrissey has it right with 'America is not the world'

Okay, I'm done with that on to something new...

Mike and I have been up North (Lancastershire) a lot lately. I have to say that I'm very taken with that part of this country, breath taking country sides, massive lakes and forests.

We drove one night, up and over the hills, riding the turns and listening to music on my iPod. I turn to Mike and he has a giant smile plastered to his face.
"What?" I asked. He just shook his head. "Come on, what are you smiling about?"
"I was just thinking that I wanted to fuck you." He said very matter-of-factly. I blushed, I love it when he tells me this. I squirm around in my seat, feeling myself getting increasingly wet by the minute. I was in great anticipation to get home.

We continued to drive, you could see the full moon kissing the top of the hills, it was a clear night in Lancastershire. He pulled the car over at the side of the road and turned off the lights. I looked around and felt slightly nervous.
"Why did you pull over?" I asked.
"I did say that I wanted to fuck you." He smiled.
"What in the car?"
"No, take off your panties." He said as he opened his door and got out. I sat there, probably as naive as I've ever been but I did remove my underwear and folding them neatly, I placed them in my purse. Mike walked over to my side and opened the door, "Get out." He said. I turned off my iPod and I got out. The brisk cold air hit my warm cunt as he grabbed my arm and marched me into the woods. He looked around for a nice spot, it seemed like he couldn't make up his mind until he settled on a tree.

"Go over to the tree and bend over, I want to take you from behind." He ordered. I did nothing but comply as I walked over to the tree and bent over, bracing my right shoulder on the base. I could feel the twigs and grass gently brush up against my legs. He entered me with such force that I'm very glad I was posted against the tree.

"Master..." I sighed, love is different for everyone and at this moment, being posted against a tree and fucked at the side of the road, I felt loved. Bathed in pale white moon light we felt pure. He grabbed on tight to my hips, squeezing and thrusting deeper. His hand gently moved from my hips to my back, gliding me forward, I took the hint and grabbed my ankles or deeper penetration.
"I love to see your milky white ass presented to me." He said as he firmly slapped my ass.

He came, hard, deep and wonderfully inside of me. I straightened myself up and felt his orgasm dripping down the side of my leg. We walked back to the car and drove on home, next time he promised that I'll be tied to that tree, ah the joy of anticipation.

"Past the pub who wrecks your body and the church - all they want is your money. The Queen is dead, boys. You can trust me, boys"

Full to the brim

2004-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

Ordered to bathe, I hopped into the shower and washed myself. Every nook and cranny of my body was lathered up and rinsed off, I got out and dried myself with a soft towel and walked into the bedroom. My eyes were greeted with my maid uniform and black, silver and metallic blue corset neatly laid on the bed. Next to those: the spreader bar, cuffs, a butt plug, vibrator, the not so friendly flogger and tape. My first thought was what the hell is with the tape? Master walked in with a full glass of red wine and a smirk on his face, I was then ordered to dress. Slipping the black silk of the uniform over my bare body sent shivers up my spine from the tip of my toes to the last strand of hair on my head. I love the feel of it's softness against my skin. I stood and he wrapped the corset around my chest and tied it tight. My breast over flowed over the top and spilled out, my breath was shallow and it was hard to move but I secretly wanted it tighter. He leaned me against his chest and stroked my breast. He pinched and tugged on my nipples as I wiggled for release. When my nipples were hard to his satisfaction, I was let go and pushed towards the bed where Master ordered me on my hands and knees, he then fastened the cuffs around my wrists and I fell forward onto my forearms, face buried into the mattress.

"Good, that gives me easier access." He said as I could hear the bottle of lubricant crack open, I felt the cool wetness of the butt plug entering me, I flinched as he began to fuck me with it. In total abandon, I gave up fighting and rode it and when he stopped, he placed tape across it to hold it in place. The vibrator was turned on and inserted inside of me as well, now, I was stuffed. Ordered to sit up on my knees I did so as Master mounted the bed, his stiff cock placed gently on my lips as the flogger rested on my bare backside.
"Are you ready my slave?" He asked, not that I had time to answer as he fed me his cock and he began to lash me. I winced for he kept striking the plug, but I was determind to keep sucking. I licked him from the base, up the shaft and to the tip of the head. I sucked slightly on his balls and bit in all the right places. Master moaned and whipped me harder, the strikes enphazied the feeling of the vibrator, which I rode and the butt plug which was causing me great unease.

I was in pain, heavy lashings and constant sucking but I was determined, he stroked my head with his other hand and shoved his cock down my throat. I cried out but endured it, I was so eager to please. It's hard to give head when you have no hands to assist you. Fucking my mouth hard and fast, I rode the implements that were inside of me, I could feel my juices dripping down the inside of my legs as I grunted and groaned so shamefully. With Masters final strike, he came. He dismounted the bed and kissed me hard on the lips as he told me I was his good girl and precious Kitten. All I wanted to do now was to get out of the corset.

A Midsummer night's cream

2004-10-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

"You see what this is? It's a circle, do you know what a circle represents?" He asked as he slid his wedding band off of his finger, it glittered in the moonlight as he held it towards my tear stained face.
"Eternity." I sniffed. He nodded and smiled.
"It means eternity Kitten, it means that no matter what, I'll always be there for you, to protect you, shield you." I can see he was trying to make sense of the situation while he was speaking softly to me. It seemed to be no use, I was still acting like a wounded puppy.

Experiment number one failed.

It all started when we watched a recorded television show about female fantasies. We sat down and discussed some of mine and we also talked about some of his, I like to call this bonding. We then got into a heavy conversation about discipline, when to do it, when not to do it and what to get out of it. I want Mike to have more dominance over me, as of now I'm a smart ass masochist with a foul mouth and equal temper or as Mike has been quoted to say: 'A stroppy bitch' but I do it with a smile and as charming as possible. What we discussed was a taming of this wild beast. What I want is to be controlled. Mike is very hesitant of this only because he loves me, which makes it hard for him to put his foot down with me and it doesn't help that he also thinks I'm cute when I disobey.

At the conculsion of all of this was a result in both of our favours, we'd give it a try. The next day, we went to a restaurant with Hitomi and let things begin. Mike ordered for me, which I thought was interesting and if I started being obnoxious I felt a firm grip on my thigh. I'd look over at him and he'd nod slightly and wink, reasurring me that everything was okay.

When we left we walked about the cold streets of London and found our way to an 'Adult store' Okay, okay, it was an Anne Summers store, as 'Adult' as my fake ID when I was in 11th grade. We found a cute little number for me to wear, Hitomi found some porn ('A midsummer night's cream' which had absolutly no sex in it, I might add!), we purchased and we were off.

Everything seemed to be going so well up until we started watching a Morrissey DVD, when the video for 'Suede head' came on. The concept is: Morrissey goes to the birth place of James Dean and just takes pictures and writes about what he sees and feels. During enjoying the song, I made a comment about James Dean that didn't sit to well with Mike and a row ensued. Jesus, a tiff over James Dean? Well it amounted to more then that which ended up with me slamming a glass down on the counter and some yelling. I left the room to calm down and Mike stayed in the living room.

When I calmed down slightly, Mike came in and we talked, at this point I still didn't want to talk to him and he left as I prepared for bed. iPod in ears, click to Starsailor, turn up so you hear nothing and sleep. It must have been 14 minutes, two and a half songs later when I felt a shift in the bed and an arm draped over my side. Maybe it was the song, maybe it was the tension, maybe it was something in my eye but I broke down and cried. I haven't cried like this since April 14th, 2004. It was a numb sort of cry, a cry I felt like I needed for a very long time. I don't like to be yelled at, I don't like to feel unloved... that's how I felt.

We talked it through and I felt more relaxed if not calmed. He thought I was trying to provoke him in order to get punished; I laughed on the inside; all of these tears over a misunderstanding. We decided to give it another go, this time no provoking or assuming I am.
We kissed and made up.

The next morning, he awoke with his cock in my hands and a purring Kitten. After sex, I went to put the kettle on and joined him in the shower, lathering my hands and massaging every part of him, focusing on a certain part, rinsed him off and he was ready to go.

I knelt by the door and waited for him to leave, he kissed me delicately on the forehead and I hugged around his knees, placing my face on his waist. Kissing me good bye, he left and things felt better.

A progress report

2004-10-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

Everything seems very sureal at the moment. Mike is no longer miffed at me, he's turned his attention to my ex boss. Here's the pulse:

I wasn't exactly fired, I was let go of that posistion. He still wants me to do other things for him, what... no one knows. As of now, it's teaching my classes, he helps me generate more clients and perfect my teaching skills and I teach him what I know... therefore no currency is exchanged between us. Mike wants me to just leave, he's messing with my head and it's becoming more and more evident of this.

As for domming. This is still a touchy subject for him at the moment. He did blog about how he felt and I read it and it changed my thoughts on things. I had to explain that I don't have anything to do with them sexually, that would make me a prostitute and frankly as much as I fantasize about it, it's not gonna happen (damn shame). So, with that aside as of now, no Mistressing for me. Besides my favourite position is on my knees (in more ways than one) anyway.

For a moment there, it did seem like it was for the money and not because I wanted to do it. I don't want it to be for the money, I want it to be for mutual enjoyment and I wouldn't enjoy it because it wouldn't be Mike. I love him too much. That cheeky Mynci.

Your code name is: Mistress

2004-10-19T05:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a disaster. I could go into great lengths of how he was an asshole and how I would go home in tears nearly every day and how he constantly belittled me and mind fucked me just to prove he was better then me but when I got to the train station, I realised that it just wasn't worth it. Needless to say, I'm depressed because it's not everyday I get dismissed from a job.

The truth is: He placed me in a job that I couldn't do. It wasn't that I didn't want to do it or mentally couldn't handle it, it's just that if I had job training; a posistion overview; maybe some direction or the good ole fail safe: the ability to read minds, mainly his. If I had all of these things I'm sure there wouldn't be a problem.

I'm not quite sure what to do next, I can't just shrug it off... though it's really looking that way but we need the money. I'd get another job but technically, I shouldn't have had the one that I did. I'm in the UK under a student Visa, which means I can only work 20 hours, I was working 40+. To make it worse, I can only make so much a year and what I was getting paid... deportasion, I'm sensing the first flight back to San Francisco.

I feel like drinking, I feel like smoking, I feel like shit, most of all I feel lost and stuck. I guess the only good thing is the second 'job'. I teach Advanced Sexuality, better yet, I teach BDSM. This is where the real problem lies.

Last night I had a new client, okay, nothing out of the ordinary but what I was teaching was extensive rope and torture techniques. After the lesson, they said they wanted to start on a weekly basis at £150 ($286) for two hours plus if there's over time. I said fine, not a problem but they also asked if I could find him a Dominatrix or rather did I know one. I'll finish the rest of that conversation in a moment.

So after the lesson and another very satisfied client I went to the car and sat. Mike looked at me and asked how it went as we drove off. I said fine, everything was great. I explained what I did, the questions asked, how they felt, I explained how well intune I was with them and their reactions to new things. Then I asked how he would feel if I became a Dominatrix. (<-- the rest of the conversation) Mike went stone faced. Shit I take that as a no.

"It's not a no, it's a let me think about it." He said.
"Well, it's a job and I need that right now, not to mention I'd get paid £450 ($887) a session."
"I know but I have to think about it." He sighed. I almost started to protest, stomp my feet and scream what's to think about but I let it stay stoned and kept my mouth shut. It didn't rest there, it continued throughout the evening. Mike seemed extremely upset that I would even ask such a thing but I was thinking of our best interest. Needless to say, we didn't have sex last night because we were to preoccupied by tears and tantrums (Which plays into my aching need to be punished...)

Okay, so what do I do now? I don't think anyone really has much of an answer but I'm asking. The more I think about it, the more I do want to be a Dominatrix, it's doing what I love to do and I get paid for it. I know Mike doesn't want this but what about what I want? In this situation do I even get a say? Perhaps I'm being silly and should just focus on making films, is Dominatrixing what I really want? Is it okay for the sub to top outside of marriage? Am I thinking too much about it?? Maybe, "And heaven knows I'm miserable now..." Help!

In sickness and in health

2004-10-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Sick, coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose sick. This was the 2 month anniversary gift from my delightful husband. They don't say 'In sickness and in health' for nothing and they aren't kidding. Mike has been ill the last few days and I was playing nurse in a non sexual way. I made him a big bowl of Matzah ball soup and that seemed to do the trick from him...as for me, I wasn't that fortunate, we ran out of chicken stock before I had the chance to feel the symptoms, that leaves me to now, laying and dying in bed. I must say, when a few senses are down others are heightened. Like my sense of touch for example. Sick sex is the best type of sex for me because of my heighten senses and boy do I get it. His touch was always very gentle upon my skin, I shivered and squirmed and revelled being underneath him. Begging to be fucked harder, screaming to be pressed in all the right ways. Sweating profusely...maybe it was the fever but I didn't really care and nor did he as he came.

After a while with me, teasing, kissing, touching, easing me into my orgasm he left for work and I watched him leave. One of the things that gives me a wonderful sense of satisfaction is watching him leave, not the fact that he's going away from me, I enjoy watching his body move and most of all, I love to watch his ass.

Mike is a very well crafted creature. I'm not just saying this because he's my husband, I see other women look at him and watch him leave just as I do (he's married girls!) I know that they see what I see, broad shoulders narrowing down to a thin waist and sleigh back. The back connects with our favourite feature and that's his backside. Firm, peach shaped buttocks connect with strong muscular thighs and calves. I love to watch him walk, he puts his right hand in his trouser pocket, his coat hugs his backside. Thinking about it makes me wish we were back in bed...

Cherry blossom girl

2004-10-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

My sister called in the early hours of the morning and gave me distressing news. I think it's really hard to be so far away from my family, thousands of miles away from my family but these are the choices people make. She told me the story and I consoled her as best as I could, I wished I was there, I wished I could kill who did this to her, I wish I was there. The same thing happened to me when I was her age, 19 seems like so long ago but it's not, I'm only 21. I remembered Kenn and how the same thing happened to me, all of which I tried to explain to her, I told her to be patient. She cried, please cry. Let's be truthful, she and I have never had a good relationship but even to this second, she knows that if she needs me, I'd fly all the way back to California and even when we say rude things, she calls me when things aren't right in her life or when she wants to say hi.

She believes god is punishing her. I told her that god wouldn't do that, bad relationships and things happen to everyone. Take me for example, everything in my life was wrong until I met Mike. I told her that she'll meet her Mike just not now, you're only 19 kid. I missed my family but these are the choices we make.

We may be hidden by rags but we've something they'll never have...

2004-10-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

Shinny, wet blood red lips pressed against his. He drank from them like wine and they bit him back. Tugging at his bottom lip and gently sucking, they playfully licked and teased one another. An arm was wrapped around my waist and as it drew me closer to his chest, he held me tight. He held me so tight that I could have lifted my legs and it wouldn't have made a difference. We embraced and he kissed, his soft moans breathed life into the lungs and I was renewed. Oh, how I love our train rides to work.

"So stay on my arm you little charmer..."

Dead Orchids

2004-09-30T09:18:00.000-07:00

Standing out side of Great Portland street station, I was parked in front of a corner fruit shop. I mouth waters and I'm not ashamed to say there was drool. A box filled with plants, not just any old plant but Phalanopsis orchids. They were beautiful and petite, white and unique and I wanted them. I purchased them for the price of £45 ($76) and merrily skipped on my way back to work. I know it isn't an appropriate replacement but it's a start.

Long story short, Hitomi killed £400 ($786) worth of Phalanopsis orchids of different range and colours. Some of the ones I had were very rare and meant a lot to me, if you're wondering what a Phalanopsis looks like, think Mr. Grey's office in Secretary, those are it. I know it wasn't her fault, she just over watered them... I'm actually going to say drowned them. She was only trying to help because we were in America and they looked dry. The thing is, I cultivated those, they were my children and they meant a lot to me, the only person who could touch them is Mike and even then, he's under surveillance. This was a month ago. I kept them, nursed them and tried to make them better but last night, I have to bury the dead, I mourned and I wept.

The death of my orchids have had a profound effect on me and my relationship with Mike. I have become very distant, edgy and sad. I throw tantrums and have become very stroppy and this, obviously, irritates Mike. I felt worthless and miserable. I really have to figure out why I'm so strongly effected by the loss of my plants.

The night before, I mouthed off. Hmm, that's an understatement, I was a cunt with a capitol C. Fed up with my attitude and my behaviour Mike slammed his pen down, grabbed me by the back of my skirt and dragged me off into the bed room. He shut the door behind him as he folded his arms, deciding what he wanted to do with me. Was I to be punished? I waited, then he told me to sit on the bed, when I refused he walked over to me and pushed me down. I fell back and landed on my ass. Stunned I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

"Sit down and shut up, you stroppy bitch." He growled. He has never called me a bitch before, now I know I'm to be punished. Eyeing me again, I waited for his decision on what was to become of me. He walked over to me and lifted my skirt above my head, he pulled down my panties and pinched my clitoris. This wasn't feeling very friendly and I squealed with anger. The next thing I know, he was on top of me, taking me. He wasn't sealing I was giving. I knew now that I wasn't going to be punished, I was to be loved. I needed this love, I needed this release. I clutched on to his back and clawed him, screaming my 'yes Masters' and my 'harder Masters' I wanted him more then I ever had and I found myself crying. Crying with fear, crying with anger, crying with pure disgust for myself. Why is it that he can always make me feel this way. I felt used and wonderful, finding myself as a harlot. Looking into our closet mirror, seeing myself as a slut, feeling my orgasm build... I choked and let it all flow out of me, like I was expelling venom. Then he came, filling me, making me his own and I felt loved. I needed to feel his love, I needed this affirmation.

I look at my box of orchids now and get ready to go home for the day. Awaiting to feel loved again.

You are never to old to not get a spanking

2004-09-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

Vexed, I had dinner ready and we waited for Hitomi who said she'd be here and for some reason, wasn't.

Hitomi, my dear, wonderful friend Hitomi. Hitomi had moved house and in with Mike and I, which isn't a problem, she brings sunshine and delight into the house. Not that we didn't see the sunshine or the delight but her being around gives us more reason to come out of the bedroom. Anyway, there is a point to this:

When I take the time to make dinner, I expect the people I cook for to be present, it's a respect thing. When she didn't show up... again, I lost it.

The next day, she woke up at her normal time of 12.30 as Mike and I were getting ready to leave. We both were in the room, with the door close. She tapped and Mike opened the door, she was barely dressed, donning a sarong that covered her entire body; her eyes were hazy and her hair; dishevelled.

"Hitomi, why didn't you call me to let me know you weren't coming home?" I asked as I sat on the bed, lifting my skirt to my knees to prepare for lotion. She rubbed her eyes for a moment.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise." She yawned. I poured the lotion in the palm of my hand and rubbed them together.
"Hitomi, a phone call or text would be nice next time."
"Sorry, I'll do it next time." She said as straightened up and adjusted the sarong. I shook my head no. This has happened one to many times before and this time I was fed up.
"Hitomi, come here." She slinked forward slightly but hesitated. I looked over my shoulder to Mike who was at a shelf picking up his mobile phone. "I want to teach you a lesson for not calling me." She moved back a step, I could see slight fear in her eyes but I must say, if I were her, I would be.

I motioned Mike to come over to be and I rubbed the excess lotion off on my elbows.
"Mike, get me the paddle." Mike's eyes flickered with delight as he walked over to the closet door where some of our toys were hanging. He responded with a soft: 'Yes Mistress.'
Hitomi yelped and scrambled to leave, good thing we have wooden floors. She slipped around and ended up in the room. I stood up, the oval shaped paddle in my hand felt like home to me.
"Mike, get her over here."
"Yes Mistress." Mike went over to Hitomi and dragged her over to the bed. Our bed faces the mirrored wall closet vertically. It makes for good fun with sex but for my purpose now, it's even better. Hitomi had to face herself in the mirror.
"Bend over." I said coaxingly. She hesitated. Mike chuckled slightly.
"I'll leave you to it Mistress." He said as he walked out of the room. Hitomi adjusted herself again and bent over the bed. I held the paddle on her right cheek and listened to her nervous giggling.

"I'm not going to hurt you." I said, reassuring her. I gently laid the first tap on her, she winced out of premeditated pain and realising it was in her head, she stopped and waited. I tapped her again, this time harder. This made her giggle, I wasn't laughing so I started to spank her.
"This will happen every time you don't notify us about if you're going to be here for dinner or not. Personally, I think this is a light punishment and if I had my way, you'd be flogged. Remember in this house, you are never to old to not get a spanking and if I have to be mother, then so be it!" I smiled, she whined and I continued. "Now, have you learned your lesson?"
"Yes..." She laughed and wiggled about. I thought she had as well and I stopped. I immediately stood, fixed herself again and glared at me. Then she strutted out.

Wondering if I had made my point or offended her we left for the day. Later on that day, she had called me to let me know that she'd be home for dinner...I win.

Ahem, may I have the attention of the Class for one second ...?

2004-09-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

I need everyone's help. My Boss asked me the question ... "Why do you girls like bad boys ...?"

I came up with an immediate blank, and so I thought, "Who would I ask?" As I was typing my next journal entry, it hit me ... "Ask the Bloggers ... they'd know!"

I need an answer, or knowing my Boss, a raft of answers, by Tuesday. So, good people (Boys and Girls), if you want to help a girl out (I'll get on my knees and beg if I have to) get your thinking caps on leave a comment ... located in the box below.

I would be most appreciative. Hell, I'll even do a song and dance ... to a tune of your choice.

Thank you!!!!

I wanna sleep with common people, I wanna sleep with common people like you

2004-09-22T08:21:00.000-07:00

What happens when you mix drinking and sleepiness together in a cocktail glass, shake and pour over rocks? You get Michael and Kitten writing an erotic story about a flower girl in the wrong place at the wrong time, saying the wrong things to the wrong person. All in all it's a work in progress and again, we were drinking. So if you'd like some light entertainment, pop on by to

Sensual Tales

This idea has been brewing for a period of time and came to head yesterday while I met Master for a 'quickie' and decided to have lunch instead. This will happen on Friday however, project 'Sex on the Underground' will be under way. Mike doesn't realise it yet but I'm pretty damn determined, let me break it down:

The Metropolitan has no one on it between the hours of 1230 and 1505 (Which is 12:30-3:05) Why? I'm not sure really. Now the Met has one particular stop that is a distance to get to Baker's St. to Finchley Rd. It take 15 day to get to that stop, but hey, it's London transportation so we're really talking about 30 minutes to get to Finchley Rd. but still, the train will be empty. We need to get the timing right to see if this will all work, if all else fails, we can go all the way out to Uxbridge and "ride" it back. Hmm, these are just thoughts for my poor husband.

Burn down the disco, hang the blessed DJ. Because the music they constantly play says nothing to me about my life...

2004-09-21T09:14:00.000-07:00

"You want me to do what?"
"Call him and give him a bit of discipline." My father said, he was acting quite hesitantly as he sipped on his beer. I started to guzzle mine down. Here was the proposition: My father knows this guy who wants something... interesting done to him as my father puts it, "He just wants a taste of S&M in his life."
Rolling my eyes I sighed, "Dad, what makes you think that I would know someone?"
"I was hoping you'd do it." Floored, my father doesn't approve of my lifestyle, he chalks it up to being Catholic. Now he turns around and wants me to dominate someone, no, no, there has to be something else...wait for it...
"Why?" I asked imploringly.
"I was hoping that you could show him that it's something he really would regret doing." Ta-da! Now I remember why I don't talk to you a lot of the time. Why would I hurt someone who is interested in S&M? I'm a teacher for Christ sake, what do you want me to do? Bludgeon him to death??
"Well, no. Kit, you're missing the point-"
"You want me to discipline this dude to teach him that S&M may not be right for him?" My father nodded and drank some more, I downed my Shogoyaki and wanted to hurl.
"On second thought, maybe you shouldn't." He said. Quick to that decision, I wondered why.
"I'm not the right person dad, sorry. Besides, what has he done to you?"
"Nothing."
"Exactly, so why do I need to tell him that something you find objectionable but aren't forced to participate in or watch for that matter, is wrong?" I spat. My father looked at me blankly.
"If you're step mother knew what you did, she'd take you to court."
"For what?"
"If your mother knew for that matter, she'd make you go to confession."
"Jehovah's Witnesses don't have confession and she does know."
"What does she say about it?"
"She's fine... uh, dealing with it." I smiled. "Dad, what's the point to this, it's not really bothering you is it?"
"No but-"
"But shit, he isn't doing it in front of you, he isn't asking you to do it... in fact you found out that he was into this via the internet, which was you snooping around and that's your fault for finding it. Leave us out of it, be bear no bruises and scares." I took a chug of water, there was something else I wanted to tell him about my theories and the Dom and Sub book Mike and I want to start writing. I am doing so much for this thing he calls sick, whatever happened to parents being supportive, when did it all turn to God, who I found through a song.

Which makes me wonder if anyone else has a song that just makes them feel good to be alive... mine- Zero 7's Give it away

The Devil will find work for idle hands to do

2004-09-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

"I stole and I lied, why because you asked me too..."

Friday evening, gathered my things and tried to walk out of the door. I was stopped by my boss and an associate.

"Hey, Diane. How do you say 'Happy New Year in Hebrew?" He asked. Frustrated because I was to meet Master five minutes ago and he was fifteen minutes away, I stopped and said: "Fuck if I know." Fuck if I knew. The associate looked at me in a quite puzzled manor.
"Well I've never heard it being called that but have a happy fuck if I know!" He said, my boss echoed that and I was cross. Yeah, fuck you both, I was late and I was tired. I turned swiftly and darted down the stairs, contemplating on my response. Fuck if I know, fuck if I know. Transfixed on those words, they meant nothing to me, like this religion means nothing to me. What has become of me for me to lose my faith? I thought about this as I opened my last set of doors and the only answer I could think of was: Fuck if I know.

I pulled out my mobile to call Master and let him know I was going to be late, in the process of doing this, I walked across the street at a pedestrian walk way and can only assume that the man driving the truck was pre occupied too.

The asphalt smelled of dingy tire rubber and water and I don't know how long I was down there. I didn't see a light, hell, I didn't see the truck. I just laid there as people gathered around. Glaring eyes fixed on me but no one offered a hand. Rolling my head over to the left I see the driver getting out of his car, people yelling at him, people watching me. I closed my eyes.

"Is she dead?" Someone asked, yes, I'm dead.
"Should someone check her pulse?" Asked another, no, don't touch me.
"We should call an ambulance." Now there's a smart idea but really unnecessary. While more people gathered talking at me like I didn't exists. I wondered if I did, fuck if I know. I slowly tried to sit up, dazed, my body limply wiggled around like Morrissey on stage. Got to my wobbly feet and stumbled over to my laptop bag, I just ignored everyone around me and got on my merry way down the street. The driver walked over to me, seemingly concerned, as he rightly should.

"Are you okay?" Fuck if I know.
"Yes."
"Do you need me to drive you to the hospital?" No offence pal but you just knocked me off the road in a legal crossing, do you think I'd hop in the passengers seat with you?
"That's okay, it's just down the street." I smiled, grimly.
"Well, let me wait with you."
"Hey, I understand that you feel guilty, what you did is illegal and I could sue you. By the make and model of Mercedes permanently stamped on my ass, I know that you have money and theoretically I can take you for everything. At this point I can see that's why you're following me around, am I right?" He looked at me blankly, I nodded, not to hard though obviously I have a murderous headache. Still nothing. "Okay, I just want to let you know that I forgive you." And with those words, I left. Gimping and with a new pump in my heart, I was fine and renewed... now I know I'm dead.

Down to the tube station and await the circle line, when it came there were only two seats left in the whole carriage. A seat next to 'Disco Dan' who looked like he stepped out of 'Welcome back Kotter' and the other was next to a girl who shot me the look of death when the doors opened. Rather then take my chances with the look of death, I sat next to Disco Dan. And we're off and realising that there was a reason no one was sitting next to Disco Dan... It was like he decided to give up showering for Lent and just stuck with it and to cover the smell he bought 'Glow' from J-Lo (what a dumb nick name!) and just before boarding the train, he ran a 100K marathon. Ah, fair enough. As I was adjusting to the smell, Disco Dan decided that the freezing cold car wasn't cold enough for him, so he folded his newspaper and fanned himself with it, wafting the stench in my direction and at that moment, I shrivelled up and died.

Skipping ahead to when I met Mike and when we went on our drive to Lancaster... this wasn't pleasant either, I don't know who let the flood gate out but damn, so many people were on the roads and when that happens = blockage. So, we sat in the car and waited. Mike complaining about how bad it was and me thinking... hell, you've never been to LA, you have to plan three hours in advance to get around the block. We talk about things while zoning out to Zero 7. We've decided where we want to be for the rest of our lives and since that seems to be a far reach, we have an alternate plan, which is move of North. Children will be adopted when we've both settled and life will be normal.

I still feel empty... I have faith or at least I thought I did. When I looked at them and said 'Fuck if I know' what did that mean, really mean? Where has my heart gone? I knew what it was I just didn't care, to me it was nothing more then going through the motions and even then I was getting weary of the motions.

I find my religion through my relationship with Mike and it's not the whole I see god after we have sex, it's during but aside from that I find playing to be a heightened taste of spirituality. Some say it's sick, some say it's wrong most say it's sick and wrong but if I'm happy, if I find faith in it... isn't that worth keeping? I don't know perhaps I'm wrong, where the hell are the answers?

Bookalious fun!

2004-09-17T04:36:00.000-07:00

Because he asked, he got.

Urban Stud

left a comment in Master's last entry about books to read. I like when people ask questions (must be the teacher in me) because I have answers and if I don't someone I know will. I was very fortunate to be born in Northern California, San Francisco to be exact, now if many of you don't know about SF, it's a city rich in S&M sub culture. So many different outlets for a novice to go and explore their roots and best of all accessible... which is how I got started so early (the ripe old age of 9) I started with books. When I teach classes, these are the core books that I strongly recommend because they are wonderfully well written books pact with fantastic information:

The Basics

The New Topping Book- Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
The New Bottoming Book- Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
**Now, these books really focus on the basics, what it means to be a Top or a bottom, safe words, play negotiation, sceneing, toys, everything. Right down to Spiritual and healing sides to Shadow play and after care. They even have some interludes in the beginning of each chapter I recommend that both sides read both books for a shared understanding of each roles.**

SM101: A realistic introduction- Jay Wiseman
** When I wrapped my little fingers around this book, I dubbed it my new bible. I has everything from toys, basic knot tying, spanking technique and serious things as well, such as Asphyxiation (breath play). **

Erotic Bondage handbook- Jay Wiseman
** Again, a great tool to have if you're a Novice**

The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage- Midori
**Drool**

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns- Philip Miller and Molly Devon
**The first S&M Book I ever read...and still love**

Consensual Sadomasochism- William A. Henkin, Sybil Holiday
** I've had the pleasure of meeting the both of them and let me tell you, these kids are two smart cookies. Not to mention that the book is easy to read and well written. There is also a section on Cyber SM.**

Come Hither: A commonsense guide to kinky sex- Dr. Gloria G. Brame (This is a guilty pleasure)
The Loving Dominant- John Warren
Flogging- Joseph Bean
Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission- Claudia Varrin

That should be enough for a start... All of these books are available at

Amazon

There is a really good How To video on beginning SM with

Mistress Morgana

(I've taken so many classes with her and she's just freakin cool...I love that Mistress!) The video is called Whipsmart and it's one of the best I've seen so far. It's easy viewing, easy learning and great knowledge but I think it's only a US thing because I don't know if they've made it for Europe yet.

I hope that helps.

Physician heal thyself ...

2004-09-16T07:23:00.000-07:00

Following on from my previous post here asking for advice and comments on developing and progressing my Dominance (which produced a huge postbag ... ) I've realised the answer is staring me in the face ... Kitten has a load of great books (like SM101) and I've been neglecting them lately.

Read the books, my son, read the books.

I was the one worth leaving

2004-09-16T06:10:00.000-07:00

Ambling forward, marching to nowhere in particular while pushing others aside, people mull on their way to work. The clacking of one inch heels on pavement echo throughout the halls. Like mindless cattle, we herd to the escalators to leave or catch another train. Monotony, everyday life, the daily grind, monotony. It's this city, this city drains the soul out of everyone, it makes you need to survive. Are we surviving? We're no longer living although we may be breathing. You must do this to live so does this mean that you no longer need air?

I drag myself on the my next train and sit down, Master looks at the paper, then snuggles my neck and delicately kisses my forehead as the on lookers can't help but stare. The semi empty train seemed to fill with each stop, more drones and more monotony. I want to run up to them and slap them whole heartedly in the face telling them to wake up, to have faith in something... anything that makes you feel human but my stop came, I kissed my husband and I left. Trudging up the stairs and trying to make sense of my life... I can't be one of these people, I need to get out of the city. There is always a rare existence of sun in these old grey London skies, this seems to be my moment, the sun cascades down me, I feel anointed.

Now I sit at work with a feeling of content, thinking about the things I have faith in or whatever makes me happy. This blog, I feel a delightful sense of well being writing this blog, my life story now and as I read through the old entries of when it first started I couldn't believe how I got here. I thought for sure that I'd be back in California, in the worse of all places (Los Angeles... nothing to the Southerners but Nor Cal all the way! ) Unhappy and in school. Something changed, something saved my life and in return, I helped it.

I'm very sure that no matter what would have happened in my life, I was to meet Mike. It's just that the things that lead up to it were nothing short of the word catastrophe. An e-mail in my inbox, a strong curiosity and a reply. A journal that made him want to meet me, a voice that made me want to meet him and a late train to Embankment station. That's where it all started and it's written in these entries, spoken with my words and lived in this life. I am amazed. I'm amazed that he saved me from being one of the many that walk the lonely streets of this town.

To think we've made it this far, especially when I was the one worth leaving, are you glad you've changed your mind?

Rainy days and Tuesdays

2004-09-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

My Master loves skin on skin contact, as much as he can. He holds me as we lay together in bed, nestled under the heavy covers and listening to the deluge out side. He caresses my hips and runs his hands down my side, licking and kissing my neck he rolls me over onto my back. His soft hands grazing my breast, giving them a gentle squeeze here and there. His hands move down my stomach and when they came to a halt, they nestled in the furrow between my thighs.

"Open your legs slut." He growled in my ear. I smiled and waited, frustrated hands pulled my disobedient legs apart. Feeling my face flush, I buried it in his chest. Fingers tip toed down the slit and wiggled their way in, the went the full length of my cunt, dipping themselves inside me and when they've had their fill they ran back up to my clit. Masters fingers massaged and pleased my clit and just when I was on the brink of an orgasm he pulled his hands away.

"I don't want you to come yet." He smiled, then he sat up and got on his knees. He positioned himself in front of my face, his stiff cock was aimed towards my mouth. I didn't think twice as I lifted my head and devoured it, trying desperately to suck out his orgasm. I licked the base up to the tip, my tongue entered the hole at the tip and lapped at the pre cum. Masters fingers then returned to my clit, my legs spread wide open as I welcomed them back. "Remember, I don't want you to orgasm." He taunted, knowing how hard it is for me to restrain myself, especially when there's something in my mouth. I rode his fingers hard and when I couldn't stand it any longer, he removed his hand. Still continuing on his cock he pulled that away as well. I moved towards it and he continued to pull away, I even stuck out my tongue to gain that extra inch. "I want to fuck you now." He manoeuvred around until his knees were planted firmly against my thighs, spreading them apart.

Leaning on top of me and lifting my hips to the tip of his cock, he grinned as he thrust me onto his sex. I watched as his eyes rolled back and he watched as I moaned. He was very delicate with me, with each thrust he was smooth and passionate. "I love being on top of you, you're very sexy when I fuck you." He said as I bit my lower lip, lifted my legs high into the air so the full length of his cock was inserted inside me. Master then went harder and much faster. Reaching up, he squeezed my breast and sucked on them, groaning and gasping I threw my head back and just enjoyed it. He rode me, he fucked me and as he orgasms, I felt beautiful.

Master continued to fuck me and as he did he lifted my legs up to rest on his shoulders. Leaning into me more, my knees touching my ears and I'm loving it. When he finished again, he collapsed onto me and breathed in the scent of the room, musky, sweaty and sensual. His attention turned back to me as he roll onto his side. Resting his head on his left hand and playing with my clit with his right, Master set to work.

I love this, he dips his fingers into me, fishing for his cum, then when he feels that he has a sufficient amount he drags it back up to my clit. I purr, like the sluttish kitten that I am and clutched onto the sheets that surrounded me. I rode his fingers and felt like a star as he smiled down upon me. I know, this is me, this is who I truly am... a sexual being, up and honest about what I want but most of all free. I didn't pounder this for long as I came. Full body convulsions and twitching.

"I like to feel that." Master said has he held his fingers there firmly. "I like to feel your clit pulse." He said. It became so sensitive that I had to push him away, I rolled over on my left side and Master continued to kiss my shoulders. "I love you Kitten." Yes, I know, I smiled and drifted off to sleep with his arms wrapped around me and the sound of the rain.

"You gotta be cruel to be kind ....

2004-09-14T04:34:00.000-07:00

... in the right measure ..."

This is my first post on here - Kitten has given me access - so hopefully those sad gits offering salvation will start posting to me...!

Anyway to the crux of the matter ... Deep in the night we lay together. Kitten and I talking about our relationship.

What’s currently rolling around my head is the level of severity of punishment she wishes and what I inflict upon her.

This is an issue that’s been discussed on other sites, especially

This Big Hush

and elsewhere, and it’s pretty important to the dynamic of our D/s relationship.

I know Kitten has taken things to a high level in terms of consensual pain in her own life before we met, and has immense experience of so much, whilst I, being a novice, am finding my feet coming to terms with pushing things further.

I love her immensely, and our play so far has been fantastic and fulfilling. I suppose the crux of the matter is reconciling that deep love and affection with stepping things up and inflicting more – hence the title!.

Your comments would be appreciated ...

And we called it quits

2004-09-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

We strolled along the side streets of Paris, hand in hand and smiling. Nothing is as perfect then perfection and this was perfection. Master took me everywhere, Eiffel Tower, L'arc de Triumph, The scared heart church, Norte Dame, The Louvre. We sat by the river Seine and kissed, fed ducks and kissed again. Watching Master trying to speak French... I would have intervened but it was so hot to hear him speak. It all seemed so romantic until our unfinished tiffs and disputes cam into conversations. These things couldn't be helped, they had to surface. It's like the saying goes, if you try to run away, your problems will always be there when you come back. So, rather then let them be there when we returned they showed up during the most convenient time, while we were enjoying one an other.

I'd like to say that I didn't cry, I'd like to think that I didn't storm off, I'd like to wish that I didn't want to get divorced, I'd like to hope that it wasn't on our one month anniversary but it was, it all happened. Master and I don't fight, we just don't. This was a fight and it hurt but it was good. It's nice to hear that you still love me and It's good to say that I still love you, not that what we said would change things, nothing we said was derogatory or hateful towards each other, we couldn't do that. All I have to say is don't wish to be something you're not, don't wish to want something that you know you don't want. The grass is greener on our side.

I can't say that that was the best trip I've ever had and it's such a same that it had to happen in the most romantic city on Earth (that I doubt) but I'm glad it happened because we know how each other works and have gained a better understanding of one an other... Ah, what it is to be in love.

Pointless entry

2004-09-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

A few things: 1. Congratulations to Franz Ferdinand for winning the Mercury Prize Award, then donating £20,000 ($38,000) to someone who deserves it (and I wouldn't say Snow Patrol) 2. I've been feeling slightly better after Master informed me that tonight we're going to Paris for the weekend (have I told you that I love you?) and that he purchased tickets to go see Morrissey (My second husband) in December... (Did you ever know that you're my hero?) 3. Apparently, I'm going to hell and jail (See comments on last entry) 4. Arts, crafts and porn?

Now, I've gotten a ton of e-mails about how Master and I role play... I think I'm going to write an entry on tips and ways to go about it and still be serious. Master and I have several characters, it's not like we don't like having sex with Mike and Diane, it's more on the lines of taking yourself out of everyday life and live a little in fantasy... so we can be the naughty chamber maid or the cabaña boy and sometimes the very stern Mistress.

At this moment. In fact, this fucking second of my life... feeling like I have hit a low point I find that comment on my journal. Hey asshole, why don't you kick me while I'm down?? Then again, I might enjoy it. I was pissed as hell but then I popped in The Postal Service CD (If you saw the movie 'Garden State', they're soundtrack in the film) and seemed to chill out. I wonder what can give some one the right to tell you, rather, think they have the right to speak for God and judge like they are God. Times have changed kids, if you follow the Bible verbatim women would still be treated as slaves in a non consensual way and there would be no meat on Friday. There's more to this but then I'd end up quoting 'Dogma'.

Non the less, my blog does say: 'This is a blog for the 18+ Adult material and may be unsuitable for most viewers, please be advised.' Which basically should be a red flag. All I can say is I have lived my life on the straight and narrow and still do. The sex I blog about is with my husband and no one else.

I was bored and decided to leaf through fellow bloggers with similiar interests and half of the people put for interests: Knitting, Sewing, Arts, Crafts, Bondage, Kite Flying, Picnics, S&M all in that order. A pointless entry... I realise but I was bored...

The girl with the thorn in her side

2004-09-08T03:13:00.000-07:00

Home, my bit of peace from the hepatic last few weeks. I wonder what I was expecting married life to be like, I mean most couples go through their ups and downs in a few years time, we've been going through them since the start of the relationship. I wish I knew more married people... or any at all for that matter, I know no one and I place this down to age.

Last night was a test of faith for us, I can't go into detail but I should say... when there is trouble it's all due to money. There are things concerning my school and my job that is putting a severe damper on things and Master feels that he needs to be the one to deal with it, now more then before because he is my husband. He panics to much, he worries and that gets passed to me. I've become very sensitive to his emotions and his energy and when ever he's down, even while sleeping I'm greatly effected by it. So I awoke at 2 in the morning, rolled over and woke him up telling him I'd had a very bad dream.

We went out into the kitchen, consumed a pint of yogurt and tea and talked. He voiced his concern and I, mine. He keeps feeling that whenever we've got something figured out, another thing shortly after comes in our way to throw us off our paths again. We've have so much stuff in our short time together, I'm beginning to think I'm bad luck for him.

Feeling very miserable I sulked and went back to bed. I lay wake thinking and wishing things would get better... it's only a test, a test that we have to keep taking over and over again... when will we pass? I wish I had someone to talk to...

Quiet before the sun

2004-08-25T07:43:00.000-07:00

The smell of fresh fields and cows loomed about the dimly lit room. It was hemp rope and it didn't smell particularly that nicely, I had to use it though because it was his rope of choice, god it stunk. Doing my usual, I was giving a rope demonstration of my personal favourite type of harness... an inverse spreader bar. I laughed when he brought out a wooden pole to do it.

"What do you need that for?" I asked slightly amused.
"For the spreader bar." He said very matter-of-factly. I took the pole out of his hand and set it aside. Normally, you would need an actually bar.
"But what I'm going to show you is how to make the bar out of rope." I smiled as I turned him around, guiding him into my chest. The inverse spreader bar will be done above his elbows, I pulled them together and I began the larks head. I wrapped it around and I tucked and wove and knotted. I chuckled to myself about his reactions to the restraint and to the rope in general. I find nothing more satisfying then someone who drops into sub space when bound by you or being bound myself.

In showing this demonstration I think he lost touch of what I was showing him and afterwards he was at a loss for words. In fact I had to give him a moment, a good ten minutes. He decided that one tie was enough and I packed everything up to go home and meet my husband, who was on his way to Starbucks next to my work.

Over the span of the last 21 years, which is my whole life, I've tired to understand things. My new interest is D/s and love. I am a instructor in advance sexuality (BDSM) and one of my classes is on Dominance and submission and everything to do with it. The one thing that I have been working on (and it's my labour of love) is the D/s dynamic. I believe that D/s is the purest love that you can have with your partner. The will to relinquish control and to hand it to someone you love and trust takes something. Not to mention the person who takes the control and doesn't abuse it and loves, trusts and takes care of what you give them. It's really very beautiful.

This is what I have for my husband, lover and Master. My vows go beyond honour, love and cherish. I vowed to serve, protect and want the best for him and the same of him for me. As my Master, he serves me too, never gives me more then I can handle and treats me with the utmost respect and dignity (though in the bedroom humiliation can be a good thing). He took this lost and abandoned kitten and gave her a home. I wonder if anybody else feels this way about there Masters or Mistresses, husbands or wives, partners or lovers and vice versa.

I took an online test and got this... go figure!

Take the quiz: "What Is Your Kink?"

Submission
You live to serve! You're most excited when someone else takes the reins and controls the situation. You're happy to do whatever will make your partner happy, even if it isn't your favorite thing to do. In the bedroom, you aim to please. Your motto is, Yes Sir/Ma'am!

Always stays the same, nothing ever changes, English summer rain seems to last for ages...

2004-08-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling ill the last few days, yesterday being the worse... and almost being carted off to hospital. I laid in bed moaning and whimpering and for the first time it wasn't from sex. I'm so stressed out, I'm tired, I'll sleep when I'm dead which with the way I'm feeling could be soon. I turned over to my left and lifted the blankets over my head and breathe.

Today, well lets just say that if it looks like rain, then it will rain and when it does rain and when it rains, it pour so don't wear a white skirt! This was something that I hadn't taken into any effect. I stood out side in the rain waiting for my boss to open the door, not that I was in any rush to ring the bell. I was wet, no, I was saturated. My moment of content was standing in the rain, I wanted to be there. I'm so stressed out, I'm tired, I'll sleep when I'm dead. The door finally buzzes and I'm let in.

Trudging up the stairs and pushing through the door that was already left ajar. Sitting down and doing my work, my boss comes in and comments on my health. In his own way expressing his worry, yeah I know, I'm not doing so good. I'm scared to go to the hospital, I'm scared of what they'll say, I'm scared it's Cancer again. Some of what I'm feeling I can't out right tell Mike, I know he'll understand but well, it just gets complicated and I let it bottle up inside of me then I snap at him for nothing. I'm just stressed, I'm just tired and I'll sleep when I'm dead... hopefully that won't be soon...

A meeting with the Mistress

2004-08-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

WARNING: Cheesy dialogue.

Strapped in; I let my fingers slide to my waist as I feel the corset pulling my body in, binding me. I slip my shoes on; the height of the stiletto make me feel insatiable. Laying back on the bed, the sheets were warm to me. I dangled the suede tails of the flogger over my corseted breast; I giggled with a sense of found well being as I waited. There was a knock at the door, sitting up and looking into the mirror forward, I spy Michael the sable boy.

He entered the room as proud as a stallion. His shirt off, sweating and coyly grinning at me. Immediately, I stand, the heels of my shoes click sharply on the ground as I saunter over to him. My hand grazed his lower back, his breathing becomes slightly shallow.

"You called Mistress?"
"Why did you beat my horse?" I said, still continuing to eye him up and down.
"He was being insolent."
"He was being nothing of the sort, I was watching you." I hissed.
"Well, if the horse had proper training, I wouldn't have to strike it." He spat back at me. He had quite the haughty attitude towards me, I needed to break him of that.

"Take off your belt." I whispered while watching his olive coloured eyes flare up in the mirror.
"What will you do if I don't?"
"I'll fire you. Now be a good boy and do as your told." I said firmly, seeing that he didn't want to argue with me, he frowned and unlatched the hooks, the pulling it out of the belt loops he wrapped it around his clinched fist. "Toss it on the bed and lower your trousers." Obediently, he unfastened his trousers and slipped them down to his ankles.

My nails dragged on his delicate skin, I rubbed, pinched and delighted in touching his ass. Unable to resist my urge I told him to go to the edge of the bed and bend over; palms down. Hesitating for a moment, he scrambled over to the end and bent his body forward. Gently stroking his ass, I gave him a warm up, then delivered a few harsh spanks.

"I will teach you not to punish my horse." I laughed as he winced. I bent over and fondled him, he responded to that and hardened in my palm, I mocked him, I teased him and I continued to spank him. I sat the flogger down for two seconds then bam, he leapt up and grabbed the flogger. I backed up as he advanced towards me.

"Now my dear Mistress, it's your turn."

Red stain blossoms and all you have is kisses and we call that love...

2004-08-18T05:33:00.001-07:00

We arrived in Martinez in the hopes to say our vows and sign our certificates. I made an appointment, we stood in the line, our names were called and it was our turn. The lady at the desk took the licence and looked at it, looking over her shoulder to the woman behind, she told us she'd be a moment.

"I don't understand, what is going on? Why did she take it and leave?" I questioned nervously.
"It's nothing, she just took it to give to someone else, maybe the person performing the ceremony." Master answered. Funny how that didn't seem to calm me down, she did pass it on to another woman who eyed us the shook her head and gave it back. Words were mentioned and nods were exchanged, walking back towards us I could feel myself become very ill.

"I'm sorry but we can't perform the ceremony." Bitch.
"What? Why?" I asked, Master held me back which of course was a good move on his part.
"Because when they issued this in San Francisco, they put the date on it and unfortunately, since we can not change the date, we can't perform the ceremony."

I left in a huff, prepared to throw a strop. I was angry, I was more then angry I was sad. My whole life, I've been waiting for someone who would love me. Someone who could be my equal and still top me the way I needed to be topped, I was waiting for my Prince Charming. It has already become apparent that I will never have my Cinderella fantasy wedding, I'm still not even sure that I wanted one. I also knew that my mother was going to ruin the happiest day of my life and I didn't want that either. I feel rather insulted by her actions and as Master has said: 'We could have just had the wedding over in England and not told her about it.' He's right, I tried everything to get my family to be there and all they're doing is killing it for me.

I cried, in front of everyone, Jimmy held my firmly in place as I tried to walk away.
"Put on the strop-less bra and lets go to San Francisco." He said. That was it, San Francisco. It's where we got it in the first place, surely they could change it. We piled into my green Toyota Echo and took off.

Barrelling down highway 4 to the 242 and straight on to San Francisco. Traffic seemed light and we got there in 30 minutes (hour long drive). We parked and walked into the City Hall. Passing through the detectors and the security, I looked up to see the dimly lit cherubs chiselled into the celling. Rushing to the clerks office, my heels slid on the cream coloured marble and we made our way to the dark path that led to the room.

We walked in and asked if we could change the date of the licence.
"To when?" The woman behind the counter asked.
"Well, today would be nice." I giggled. She looked at her schedule and said that
2:00 would be the earliest. Then 2 it is.

We strolled into the gift centre and over to the cafe and had lunch to pass time. It was 1:15, a few men walked in with photography cameras and set up shop next to us. They opened their laptops and showed each other the pictures they have done in the past few months. A lot of the pictures were of the gay weddings that had taken place a couple of months earlier. I went back to conversing with Jimmy and my soon to be husband.

Behind us, a camera man sat at the table. He was dusting off his Panasonic, not that I was drooling at it's beauty, (What can I say? Film student) he looked over at us, the went back to his task. A minute later another man, who looked like a 70's porn star came walking over to him. They chatted for a bit, then he sat at the other table beside us. At this moment, 'what the hell is going on?' was on all three of our minds. 1:45 rolled around and it was time for us to go. We stood, and were on our way until stopped by the camera man.

"Excuse me but are you guys getting married?"
All three of us answered with a: "Yes."
"That's great, we're doing a piece on Gay Marriages-"
"He and I are getting married." I laughed.
He said that was fine, then went on. "Well, would it be possible if we interviewed you?" Again from all three of us a collective: 'Yes'

We filled in our paper work, and the 70's porn star slash anchor man asked us a bunch of questions.
"How did you guys meet?" Informed Consent a BDSM site.
"Blind date." Master responded.
"How long have you two been together?" Well, we haven't even had a second date technically.
"Five months." Master spoke again.
"And I take it you're not from San Francisco." Duh, what gave that away? The accent?
"No." Master smiles, "I'm from Lancashire England." The porn star slash anchor man turns to me.
"Where are you from?"
"San Francisco." Duh what gave that away? The lack of accent?
"So, does anyone know you're here?" That was the money making question of the year. No, no one knew what we were doing.
"Ah, no, let me explain..." There it was, me blabbing everything I could to this man about the comment and the trip to Martinez. Then it came to me mid sentence. No one knows we're here until they see it on the news.

When that was over, we did our best to looked pretty for the camera and the red light was turned on. Master said something really intelligent whereas I was a moron. I couldn't really hear what he had to say anyway so I can see why I wouldn't be so hot. After that they asked if they could film our marriage, yeah hell, why not. What we weren't aware of was that the exact moment we were talking about our happiness of meeting and marriage, the state of California revoked all of the same sex marriages that took place two months prior. Ironically, we were standing in the same place as they did.

We said our vows and we kissed. I was so nervous I kept scrambling all of my words, I'm at least very glad that I said the right name. The camera man kept trying to push Jimmy aside and he wasn't having any of that so he kept pushing him back.

"Do you Mike, take Diane to be your lawfully wedded wife for as long as you both shall live?"
Mike stared deep inside me, gripping my every breath as he said: 'I do.'
It was my turn now, she asked the same question and I looked at him and smiled, ear to ear my lips stretched. I nodded, frantically and said: 'I do.'
"Well then, with the power invested in me by the great state of California, I pronounce you man and wife, you may now kiss the bride." Master looked at me and kissed me, then he hugged me tightly.

"I love you, my slave." He said.
"I love you, my Master." I whispered back. We kissed again and everyone applauded and the camera guy held on us. Us, he and I, the way it seemed that it always was and was supposed to be.

We went home after a champagne toast. Happy and wedded, we continued plan for the wedding we are going to have at my house but we've decided to have Jimmy marry us. What the heck, I think it would be great and no one can complain that it's not legal, we're already married!

So to those of you that watched ABC news between 6:30 and 7, the bi-racial couple with the British guy and the girl with big curly hair was us. Strange thing is, people that saw it keep congratulating us. Jimmy's mum taped it but I was too nervous to watch, we don't know if my mother knows yet but I'm sure someone in her church informed her. Eh, who cares WE'RE MARRIED!! And yes Master, there is a light and it never goes out. I love you.

All you have is kisses and all I need is you...

2004-08-17T02:51:00.000-07:00

I have so much to write because we have done so many things. Like Master and I going on holiday to California... so he could see where I live, meet my friends and family. Horse back riding with Master and me almost getting bucked off it while it decided to do a 'hi ho silver!'. Wine tasting in Sonoma county, having a Mafia hand over and kissing of the ring, getting flowers for our wedding, eloping, being on television, having a water fight. Wait, reverse back to being on television... no, no, further to the eloping bit. Oh yes, we eloped. This is how it happened:

As most things go, it all started with a fight. My mother, being not of sound mind had told me that I was an inconvenience to her for having my wedding reception at the house. She is having to pay for nothing, nothing at all. The only thing that she has paid for was a 50 dollar deposit on the flowers (Which I'm giving back to her). Okay, fine, I won't dispute her; I'm very tired of fighting with her. Then I go into the living room and sit with Master, then I stared to recite some Japanese to him, he's still learning but I'll get him there... ah, back to the point. My sister was trying to catch his attention and he was focused on me, I mean of course duh.

"Hey? You have the rest of your lives together." She interjected.
"Well that's only a few years left anyway." My mother coyly added. What mother? What did you say? My mother, is a very religious woman. I have nothing wrong with the church she belongs to, nothing but everything. She uses it against me constantly to make me feel bad or try and coax me back into it. The main thing they use... Armageddon. They believe that in the next couple of years the world is over and so she said at that moment that when that day comes, Mike and I will die. Oh, how kind of you mother! And here I thought you kinda cared.

With that in mind and the inconvenience I seemed to have caused, we awoke early the next morning; showered and dressed. We picked Jimmy up and with all of our cards on the table, we left to elope, what came of the havoc ended up on national evening news.

The slave and her Master

2004-08-04T07:40:00.000-07:00

The cool of the marble sends shivers up my spine as I rest my elbows, then arms on the counter. I arch my back ever so slightly to show Master that I was ready. Clasping my hands together, he started with a few light taps on my backside, then he proceeded with harder and swifter spanks. Head lowered, my body rocked and I moaned. The delicious sensation of his hand gently caressing then the sharp sting of his slap, I drifted. I wonder where I go when I leave, I don't care I just like being there. He continued his spanks and I felt that I was ready for more, so I narrowed my eyes into slits, turned my head towards him and bit my lower lip. He seemed intrigued by this and nodded for me to proceed.

"Now I know that you can go harder then this?" I growled in a sense to antagonise him. You don't want to provoke Mike, he'll give you exactly what you ask for, which was what I was hoping for. He smiled and motioned for me to turn my head back around. He continued with his steady slow pace, then *pop* The ground was lifted from under my steady feet. The slap was so hard that my torso lay onto the counter. I heard his laughter, it mocked me and taunted me, then as I lowered my self back onto the ground, he sent another one my way. It caused me to rise off of my toes again and staying there, he just kept going.

How wet I was was measured by the amount running down my thigh and to my knee.

"Five more on each side." He said as he lightly tapped me to prepare me. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I was rocked and out of it. He lowered me off of the counter and to my feet. He pulled my skirt down and over my stinging bottom. His hands corrected my posture and dreamily, I tried to look at him and found that all efforts were useless. I hung my head low, trying my hardest not to fall to my knees... I love this place.

He walked in front of me and motioned me to escort him to the bedroom. Dragging my feet, going as fast as I could I moved into the bed room. Laying my down on the bed, he held me. Then after checking if I was okay, he laid me on my back, stripped me of my panties and entered me. I gasped, then purred as he worked me slowly. Giving my a few hard thrusts here and there but gently and slowly was how he finished. Lifting my legs over his shoulders and leaning into me. Kissing my lips, he breathed into me, whereas I moaned into him. With our orgasm deep inside of me, he collasped ontop of me. I stroked his head and gently lulled him.

I could feel my face flush and he kissed my lips tenderly. Then he rolled over and held me close to him, breathing me in. I closed my eyes.

Thrill of the hunt and the capture of the night

2004-07-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Walking down the steps to the Northern line. I turn and walk past a strikingly handsome man in a suit who met my gaze. I smiled, he returned it, then looking down I walked past him and stood next to the tube map. Waiting for the train to come, I looked around for him, I know this was wrong but my eyes couldn't help being drawn to him. They caught him again, held on and followed him as he passed me and walked down the platform.

I studied his body language, watched his lips move as they conversed with someone. I wanted to walk over to him and steal him away...what would happen if we kissed? He looked over at me and shyly I looked away but I couldn't help but smile. I turned up the music on my iPod so that I could concentrate on something else but my eyes kept wandering back to him.

The train came, I walked down the platform to where he was standing, still talking. To draw his attention back to me, I made a calculated move. I put lip gloss onto my fingers and delicately rubbed it onto my lips, I nonchalantly glanced over to see if this fish took the bait. Oh yes, he did. He was hooked on me and wanted me, which was fine because I wanted him too. The doors opened and we boarded.

There was an empty seat, the only one left and he offered it to me. I nodded and said: 'Thank you.' as I sat down. Kind eyes, nice lips, wonderful ass, I want to be underneath him. I want to stare into those eyes; I want to bite those nice lips and I want to clench that ass as he thrusts inside of me. I look over again and he smiles at me, I smile in return and then look down. I know what's on my mind and I can read it on his face. This is wrong, I can't want this, I bite my lower lip and think: 'Fuck, this is wrong.'

Train stops at Borough, my stop. I get off and brush against him, I step off and look back and smile. Then I take off up the steps. I go and stand by the lift, waiting for it, then an arm brushed past me and pressed the 'Call Lift' button, I looked over and it was him. We both smiled at each other again and then the lift came. We walked in and said nothing to each other. I wanted to say something but I couldn't, no words seemed to come to mind. I left the lift and charged off to home, I had a lot of stuff to do and it was late.

I walked down the street, listening to one of my favourite tracks that made me swish my hips and walk to a beat. I was wearing my favourite black skirt that was tight at the hips and flared at the knees. As I strutted home, I felt something behind me. Glancing back, I saw him. The man in the suit was following me or so I thought. Maybe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I walked faster but not enough to lose him, what was I doing? Did I want him to follow me home? Yes, I did.

I walked to the final corner and smiled back at him, almost as if to say: 'If you want me...' I pulled my keys out and no longer saw him, he must have turned. I unlocked the first door and let it shut by its self, it didn't, it stayed slightly opened. My heels clicked up the stairs as I danced up the stairs and I unlocked my flat door and left that one open as well.

Tired, I peeled off my coat and tossed it to the bed and I layed down and closed my eyes. The front door closed and foot steps entered my room. Startled, I jumped up and saw him.

"I've been wanting to fuck you since I saw you." He said as he walked over to me. I only looked back to him, with my eyes fixed to his. I spread my legs and grinned.
"Well?" There was no hesitation, I took off my blouse, and he un hooked my bra and took my breast into his soft hands and kissed them. I layed back and our lips met, I devoured them as they tasted so sweet. I grabbed the back of his head and continued to dine.

He then pulled off my panties and unzipped his trousers and pulled them down. Grabbing my hips he pulled my body to the edge of the bed, lifted me up and entered me. There was nothing delicate about it, just sex.

"This is what you wanted from the first moment you saw me wasn't it?" He asked as he drove in deeper. I nodded, and began to rip of his shirt. Yes, this was what I wanted, that's why I looked back at you, that's why I left the door open. Our bodies colliding together, sweating, moaning... god, it was wonderful! When we couldn't take any more, he filled me.

I wiped the bliss from off my brow and tried to catch my breath.

"That was fantastic, I love you Kitten." He said.

Fire in the disco...

2004-07-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a lazy haze of wanting to sleep or perhaps the need to stay awake a voice comes over the loud speakers. I was zoning out to 'Panic' from The Smiths but as the voice came on I decided to listen.

PILOT: We're experiencing a fuel engine problem, we're going to have to make an emergency landing in Montreal. When we find out more information, we'll let you know.
ME: Shit.

I unplug my ears from the music and feeling like a child being born, I was scared, nervous and uncertain about the things that would befall me. I didn't think about anything but my need to get home to Master. After a few days in California spent with family and friends, I called Master and decided to go home. So I tried to get the next available flight, it was all booked up until August the 1st. Thinking that that's no good, I tried everything to get back. Nothing. Seeming a lost cause coming on, I just went ahead with staying at home with family. My mother asked me what I was going to do about a wedding dress, that has never crossed my mind (normally it's the first thing a bride thinks about, even before getting engaged.) Called Jimmy and went on our marry way to find a dress for Diane. I would go into detail about all that took place with the silly bitch from the bridal shoppe but I don't even want to rehash the anger I felt. Needless to say after a day of arguing and mudslinging, I got my dress and it elevated me from princess to Goddess. Feeling like I was on a winning streak, I called the air lines to see if there was an opening. There was.

Winning streak over. I'm stuck on a plane that didn't seem to be going to London or Montreal.

PILOT: We've decided to land in Boston, it'll only take about 51 minutes.
We're going to die.

When we get to Boston, the plane was greeted by fire trucks and ambulances. Then the air craft was boarded by men with guns, lots of fucking guns. The pilot came on again and said that it was a jet issue and that there would be men will be fixing the plane and that we'll all be all right and taken care of... well frankly Mr. Shankly, I ain't buying it. Fire trucks, ambulances and armed officers isn't a light dilemma First fuel and now jet? Two different places bucko. Finally, we get to de-board the plane.

We get our bags and are rushed over to another Virgin counter, where they gave us absolutely nothing. Some were stranded over night in Boston, I was one of the lucky ones that got a flight at 8 that morning. So I waited. I walked about Logan International and bought a t-shirt and Cheers beer mug for Master, for myself a phone card. I quickly went through customs and found a phone. Dialling the number I prayed that he would pick up.

"Hello?"
"Mike?"
"Helloo?"
"Mike? It's Diane, can you hear me?"
"Hellooo?" Take that as a no, you can't. So I go wandering around to find another phone. fifteen minutes later, success. I spoke to him and told him how relieved I was to talk to him. He told me that he had flowers for me.

"Oh, shit, I wanted to surprise you." He said, frustrated
"It's okay."
"No, I didn't mean to tell you."
"Big mouth strikes again?" I mused. I told him not to worry and that I was okay, I was trying everything in my power to get back to him. I hung up the phone and sulked to my gate to wait. Finally when we got to board I sat praying that he'd be there, I don't know why but I doubted it.

We took off and I fell into a light sleep. Lazily thinking of him and wishing he was next to me and I was in his arms. I awoke with a gentle tap on my shoulder asking if I would like something to eat. I just wanted a muffin. Stayed up and watched 'Shaun of the dead' (A brilliant comedy!!) Then played video games and flipped off the monitor a bunch of times.

We landed, I met up with this lady that I had made friends with on the flight and helped her get what she needed. Even if I didn't do anything, I didn't want her to be alone. So after they lost her bag and we filed for it missing, we went to the arrivals. I looked around and no Master. I felt my heart sink at that moment. I searched all over and he wasn't there. I told the lady that I was with that I'd go to the Virgin ticket counter with her just to make sure she got a hotel room and another flight, she missed her connecting flight and her husband was sick. She was just as scared as I was. I walked over to a pay phone to call and see where Master was. Digging through my bag, I realised that I didn't have any change.

I was in tears, I looked down and silently cried, then when I opened my eyes to leave, there were a dozen blood red wilted roses under my nose.

"Mike!" I turned and threw my arms around him, he kissed me and held on tight to me.
"Hello Kitten, how are you?" He asked with an ear to ear grin.

After we felt it safe to let go of one another, we walked to the ticket counter and made sure that everything was okay with my new friend. Once it was we walked her to her hotel bus and said our good lucks and good byes. Then Master pulled out my collar and snapped it around my neck and took his Kitten home.

True love always...

2004-07-23T08:06:00.000-07:00

I miss you; I walk around my house and swear I hear your voice. It haunts me, captures me, and calls to me. I buy music that reminds me of you, I sing them at the top of my lungs in the faint hope that you can hear them. I miss you, I miss your arms around me when I’m standing in the kitchen, and I miss them when we sleep. I’d lie on my side and your arm would fall over my waist and pull me into you. Our bodies fit together like a puzzle, I hear him breathe me in and hold me closer. I can’t wait to be home, to be in your arms, to have you inside of me, to be calling out your name, I just want you. I just want you.

Our families have given their blessings and we are to be married Sept. 11th 2004 and again for his family late September, early October. True love always wins.

These are the ghosts I've made myself...

2004-07-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

I dropped to my knees and let the chains fall in front of me. I threw my arms around him and we both sobbed our saline tears into each other. He pitied me, he shouldn't have, this was no one's fault. 'Is this what love does?' I thought, 'Bring two people together in order to rip them apart?'

"Mike, this isn't your fault." I told him.
"But it is, we had to meet."
"But that's not your fault." I said sympathetically.
"I want to give you everything." He cried, what he doesn't realise is that I have everything. I have everything I could ever want and that's love. I never grew up in a loving environment. My father just left when I was nine and came back every couple of years for reasons unknown. My mother was so destroyed by that she kept all the love she had to give left to herself. She was always working and I had to raise my two sisters at the age of ten. Me at ten, I was a very angry child, shipped off to a school for the gifted and despised everyone for it.

I grieved for my childhood, for the exceptance of my mother, for my father to come home. I grieved so much that I became numb, purely out of survival. I was going to die if I kept up like that. All of the relationships I've ever had suffered because of this, even relationships with my very best friends. I was cold to them, so callous that I didn't want anyone to be near me. What was the point? I couldn't love them anyway, I didn't even know what love was. I took a real good look at the world and saw that there were no shining examples of what love was, that is, until I met Kenn.

When I met Kenn, I thought that he could do no wrong. To say I was wrong would be an understatement. End result, the inability to have a child and a depleted heart, which was really all I wanted in this world, to have a child and to be loved. With that heart came a sudden numbness, and all doors were closed on new and old friends. I was left to deal with my Cancer on my own, it didn't have to be that way but I let it, it was my choice. It's the one thing I never really got into, my Cancer. It was a horrible and scary thing but it cured one of my biggest fears and that was to die. I was afraid to die. Naturally, with something like that, a fear of death almost seems unavoidable. For me, I accepted it, if it were my fate to go then, I would have left with the grace and charm I know I was blessed with. I was waiting until the day that the doctor came in and said: "I don't know how you did it but you are very lucky." Ah, remission. I cried myself to sleep every night thinking that it wasn't true, they'd call me the next day and say that the results were mixed up. But it didn't happen, that day he told me I was fine, that day was mine.

I have never had anything I could call my own, every time I do, it gets taken away from me. My childhood, my family, my child, almost my life. But that day, that was mine and I thank whom ever is listening to me that I can walk away from the car crash without a scratch. I had no one but me, not a single person but myself.

Something in me at that point clicked. Like I was switched on, I knew love. I loved myself and I became very positive about everything. Nothing was ever the matter because it couldn't get any worse then what I had just gone through. I in turn for loving myself, loved everyone. I loved everyone and became nicer for it, let people in and shared my moment in the sun with anyone who wanted it. I loved for the sake of loving. But there was still something I was missing.

But Mike held me in his arms last night and we both cried. I felt alone in his arms, sad for the first time in a long time and alone. We have decided to have the wedding in Scotland, this was supposed to be the best news of our lives but... feel like our wedding is going to the opening scene of Kill Bill Vol. 2 where no one sits on the brides side. This is sad but very true, I was crying because my family isn't going to come to my wedding. There are so many reasons to why, main ones are because they don't like the age difference. My friends can't afford it and I can't afford to bring them over here. Master felt guilty because it was on his side of the world.

Not to mention, my mother and father will disown me completely if I went through with it. I know how hurt and destroyed I'd be if my family were to disconnect from me.

"It's okay, we'll make our own family, you can't have children, we'll adopt." Mike reasoned with me. I know, all of those are possible but I want my family to happy for me, happy for the love that I have with him. He understands me, he loves me. He gave me the love that I was missing my whole life, more then Kenn ever could. It was what I was missing and everyone can see how happy we both are and how in love we both are. He wants nothing but the best for me and more and no one seems to see how much we mean to each other.

"I have so much love for you, I wish I could just give it to you." He said. Miserable, I felt an empty pit in my stomach. He was mine and I could keep him, I was his and he can keep me, so now there is a choice to be made. Give up my family or the love of my life...

Break me gently

2004-07-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Larks head, wrap it around the torso and make sure it's nice and tight. Then wrap it again, tuck it in the back and throw it over the shoulder, then loop it through the front. Twist, then over the next shoulder. Several wraps and knots will finish the body off, the tension is weighted in just the right places to stimulate in just the right way.

Lay down face first on the bed, chained wrists locked behind back and wait. I waited as Master pulled out the crop. This is becoming his new favourite toy I see. Starting with several light taps, he then moved on to sharp, stings. I wince and thrashed about the bed.

"How many was that?" He asked, I didn't count but I was sure that it was over 30.
"I don't know." I responded blandly.
"Well, I guess I'll have to start again, won't I?" He smiled, I sighed and planted my face into the pillow as he began again. "And this time, count." Tap, tap, tap, smack. Tap, tap, tap, smack. My body is so sensitive because of the rope, I keep tensing my body, which heightens the feeling of impact.

Master finished his designated amount of whippings, then he moved on to the heavy flogger. I love the flogger, can't say why but when he strikes me, it sends shivers down my spine. He did, both sides of my butt the tails landed, god, I loved it. Just when it stung in all the right ways, he moved on to my favourite, the thin tailed flogger. He held the handle in one hand, the tails in the other. With a flick of his wrist, they made impact. Sharply and quickly, rain drops of whips touched base on my backside.

"14 Master." I moaned into the pillow, "Ahh...15 Master. Shit , 16 Master." Just like the last flogger, Master struck one cheek at a time. He would tug on the rope from time to time and then go back to flogging me. When he finished, he rolled me over and unlaced the rope on the lower half and peeled if off of my vagina lips. I felt instant relief.

"Spread your legs slut." He said as he parted them, "Nice and wide, that's it." He gently applied clamps to the lips, since there had been minimal amount of blood flow and now an over abundance, I cried out of pain. Next were my breast. They were still nice and tied up in a harness, one, two, they were placed. Flicking them I tried to scoot away from him and it only emphasised the clamps on my vagina, I was seeing that any movement on my part would impart unnecessary pain upon myself. So now I lay, as frozen as I could.

Theoretically, it would have worked fine until Master decided he wanted to whip my inner thighs. And why not, they were there, open and just begging to be tormented, who was he not to take full advantage of it? He sat in front of me, concentrating on my left thigh. I cried out of sheer pain, I was trying so hard not to move, shit those clamps hurt. I bit my lower lip and endured it the best that I could, until the struck the right thigh. He reached over and struck my right thigh, by doing that, he kept whacking the clamps on my vagina. Tears streaming down my face, I was in absolute pain.

"Please, I can't take any more! Master, please." I sobbed, He only shook his head and me.
"You know what to say if you want me to stop." I hate it when he says that, it just means he's going to keep going. God it hurt so good! We went on until I could not take any more and he released me from those horrible clamps. My breath was quick and shallow and then I felt a wave of exhaust flood me. I was unravelled from the rope and feeling hit my whole body. It was like being unlaced from a corset, all of the air and blood rushed back into me. I laid down to catch myself and Master held me in his arms and stroked my head and lulled me to sleep.

Over the Counter culture

2004-07-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Going over to

Zaque's blog)

, he had a list of the 100 songs that moved him. I went through the list and thought that almost all of those songs have done some wonderfully strange things to me as well. Then I got to thinking, I'm going to make a list as well, a list of songs that really move me. This took a lot of thinking but here we go...

1. Give it away- Zero 7
2. Don't Panic- Coldplay
3. The Russian- The Bees
4. Meeting in the aisle- Radiohead
5. Breaking the Girl- The Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Here it comes- Doves
7. No one's gonna come- Sondre Lerche
8. Changes are no good- The Stills
9. Feeling good- Muse
10. Cigarettes and chocolate milk- Rufus Wainright
11. Grace under pressure- Elbow
12. Winter- Tori Amos
13. Maps- Yeah yeah yeah's
14. I can't stand it- Wilco
15. London Calling- The Clash
16. Shot by both sides- Magazine
17. Week in, Week out- The ordinary boys
18. Who needs enemies?- The Cooper Temple Clause
19. Mr. Writer- Stereophonics
20. Psycho Killer- Talking heads
21. Untitled- Interpol
22. Special needs- Placebo
23. Red Sands- Zero 7
24. Touched- Vast
25. Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
26. Faded- Ben Harper
27. Walnut tree- Keane
28. Look what you've done- Jet
29. You drove me to it- Hell is for heroes
30. I wish- Skee-lo
31. Whatever's left- Snow Patrol
32. Crowded- Poor Old Lu
33. Everlong- Foo Fighters
34. Fortunate Fool- Jack Johnson
35. Delicious- Catharine Wheel
36. Cherry Blossom girl- Air
37. Flood- Jars of Clay
38. Mellon Collie and the infinite sadness- Smashing pumpkins
39. The Hollow- A Perfect Circle
40. Shake the Disease- Depeche Mode
41. Tune in D- Bach
42. I know- Jude
43. Voyager- Daft Punk
44. Red, white, black and blue- Hope of the states
45. Little Thoughts- Bloc Party
46. First of the gang to die- Morrissey
47. Your mouth- God Lives Under Water
48. Stella was a diver and she's always down- Interpol
49. Untitled 1- Keane
50. Independence Day- Elliot Smith
51. Sheep go to heaven- Cake
52. Bohemian Like me- The Dandy Whorhols
53. New Sacred Cow- Kenna
54. We can run away now that they're all dead and gone- Snow Patrol
55. Just between you and me- DC Talk
56. Sweet Daze- Pete
57. Good-bye- Plankeye
58. My Chevette- Audio Adrenaline
59. Stakes is high- De La Soul
60. What they do- The Roots
61. Battle of who could careless- Ben Folds Five
62. Drown- Smashing Pumpkins
63. Squares- The Beta Band
64. Say Yes- Floetry
65. Nightmare part 2- The Zutons
66. Sonnet- The Verve
67. Last Train Home- Lost Prophets
68. What a day- Nonpoint
69. PDA- Interpol
70. Horsemen- The Bees
71. Muscle Museum- Muse
72. Rabbit in your headlights- U.N.K.L.E. feat Thom Yorke
73. Out-side- The Beta Band
74. My name is Jonas- Weezer
75. It's Happening- White light motorcade
76. C'mon C'mon- The Von Bondies
77. Lucky Man- The Verve
78. Music to watch girls by- Undercover SKA
79. Tears in my beer- The Specials
80. For you alone- True Love Always
81. Where- Ultraspank
82. Bliss- Tori Amos
83. Late in the day- Supergrass
84. Pretty Vacant- The Sex Pistols
85. Wasted years- Cold
86. Float on- Modest Mouse
87. As- Stevie Wonder
88. Sour Girl- Stone Temple Pilots
89. Maybe tomorrow- Stereophonics
90. Good Souls- Starsailor
91. Wax Ecstatic- Sponge
92. No Surprises- Radiohead
93. I have forgiven Jesus- Morrissey
94. Just a day- Feeder
95. Juneau- Funeral For a Friend
96. Caught by the river- Doves
97. Careful where you stand- Coldplay
98. Desperately Wanting- Better than Ezra
99. Party Crashers- Radio Four
100. Shoot your gun- 22-20's

You have never been in love, until you see the dawn rise over the home for the blind

2004-07-15T07:46:00.000-07:00

The head phones of my newly purchased iPod are inserted into my ears. I lean back in the car seat and wait for musical penetration. 'Stockholm Syndrome' first. The guitar opens up the song, the riffs are played heavy, fast and strong. I look up and see the neon lights flash and reflect on the hood of Masters car. He can't hear what I'm hearing but he seems to sync with the: 'I wish I could' and the drums as the car shifted gears and revved on. The night wore on, Big Ben was about to strike 12 and I was on to a new song from The Cooper Temple Clause.

I love the way that this song can over take me, it makes me feel emotions that I'm not normally aware of and raises adrenaline. I adjusted my skirts, pulling it far above my waist, I was already soaking to the core. Glancing over towards Master, I caught his smile. You are my wicked life, I thought. Everything I thought I knew about love was nothing compared to you. He put his hand, flat palm down on the stick shift and changed gears while letting his last three fingers, delicately graze over my knee. Shivers were sent over my body and they made their way to my clit.

"Who needs enemies, when you have friends?" I sang, he shifted again and we drove faster, turning and speeding. "Who needs accidents when you have me?" I continued. We then arrived home and we both got out of the car. I stood under the streetlight waiting for him to come over to me, once he did I looked straight at the ground.

"I love you Kitten." I adore you Michael.
"I love you too Master." We then embraced, I looked up at him and our lips met. I clutched onto his back and died in his arms. You are my wicked life, I feel compelled to sin whenever I'm near you. We then go inside the hallway and find the door to our flat.

"Undress and stand before me." I did so, as fast and as neatly as I could. I stood before him naked and silent. He sat still on the bed, looking up at me, whenever our eyes lock I'm held by them, I can never look away. Master has this way with me, a command of my body that even I don't know. He captures me with his voice, his tone and the gentle ways he binds me with rope and gently leads me to the bed. "I feel like using the crop on you Kitten, is that okay?" He asked softly. I nodded my head, I'm very silent when bound with rope, what I wanted to say was that I loved him and I'll endure whatever he wants to give me. I see in his smile that no words needed to be exchanged, he began. Light playful taps at first, very fast, very ticklish on my backside.

He stroked his cock while decided on how many strokes he wanted me to receive. When he settled on his number, I felt a harsh sting, I winced and silently giggled at my excitement. Then there was another and then another. I moaned and raised my self higher, presenting myself to him. Harder, please Master. Like a conductor playing his favourite concerto in eighth notes, Master whipped and teased me. As I snaked about on the bed, I could feel myself dripping.

"I can smell you Kitten." He said, "I think I'm going to fuck you now." He sat the crop down and grabbed onto my ankles, positioning me where he wanted me, right there, that's where he wanted me to be. His soft hands slinked up my inner thighs, he kneaded them and lifted my hips.

There are no words or sentences that can be made or formed to express what it is like to have bright olive green eyes fixed on yours, to have a loving fear of what's next to come, to feel absolute love and compassion. He entered me and we began to make love, it wasn't silly useless sex, it was unbridle passion. By the first ten minutes I was already moaning for more. I hate begging, I hate asking for it but he made me a child in that respect, I asked and pleaded and sulked when he told me that I'll have to wait.

The wait wasn't for very long. Harder, I got it harder. So hard that I could feel his cock at the base of my throat. As our bodies collided into one another we both came to a mutual climax and he kissed my forehead.

"I love you Kitten. I love you so much." He kissed me again.
"I love you too Master."

Just 19, this sucker's dream, I guess I thought you had the flavour...

2004-07-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

I straddled him, stared deep into his blood shot olive green eyes and grabbed the closest thing to me. A pillow, a soft goose feathered pillow. I held it in my hand, tightened my grip around it and hurled it over his face. I suffocated him, wanted to kill him, destroy him. I was unfamiliar to this taste of blood but I desired it and wanted more. Then I stopped, catching myself, I cried.

"Why did you lie to me?" I shouted, "To me? To me Michael! Why did you lie to me?"
"I wanted to protect you, I've made a mess of everything. I didn't want to lose you."
"And what? You thought that lying would keep me?"
"I know, I'm sorry!" He covered his face and sobbed into them, no, I am not going to let you hide yourself from me. I latched onto his wrists and I pinned them firmly to the bed. I rolled his head side to side as if to find shelter from my eyes.

I slide off of him and lay facing the mirror, gazing into it I wondered if that was really me reflecting back. Master started to cry.

"It's okay Mike, I understand what you were doing."
"I didn't do this to hurt you, I wanted to get everything taken care of so you wouldn't have to worry about it."
"Well, thank you Sir but I am a big girl now." I said harshly. I didn't mean to bite him like that but what can I do. I felt like our relationship has been nothing but a lie, a game that was well constructed and played out to it's fullest. Like I'm the wooden pawn on his marble chess set, I didn't belong there. He confided in me, I and listened.

Every word that poured out of his mouth, I lapped it up. Sucked it from me as if it were the air that I needed to breathe. It all boiled down to her, Y his ex. The wonderful shadow that looms over us. She prophetically doomed us, saying that we're not going to get anywhere with our relationship. Who is she to say anything about us?

But that wasn't the issue, the issue was, he told me that she lived in Lancaster-shire (The North), she really lives in London. In fact, while we were at the beginning stages of our relationship, he was still living with her and all this time I thought that he was at his brother's. Foolish Kitten...

"I just wanted to get everything sorted, I wanted us to be together." He sobbed. I do understand his reasoning, that's not a problem, I just wish that he would have told me a long time ago. I knew what the relationship was like, I've spoken to both parties. Y even told me that rather Mike be happy, she's going to do everything in her power to make sure he lives the rest of his life miserable (Spiteful bitch).

We've been sleeping with the ghost of her for too long, now it's time to relinquish her. Master, I wish you didn't have to lie to me, I know how you feel but we are a team now. If you need me, I'm here to help you.

Solace in the shadows

2004-07-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

It was the final straw, the last one I pulled before he snapped. He came close to me, I lowered my head and felt his breath on my forehead. Arms reached out and grabbed me, they pulled my body into his. Hands crawling up to my head and tugging at my long, thick curly hair. It sent a wave of pleasure down my spine, I backed away for a moment in an attempt to provoke him.

A response, he approached me, seeing my apprehension he only smiled. His fingers reaching out and locking onto my blouse. They wove their way through the buttons and un did them. The air was cool on my newly naked chest, he pulled the blouse down to my elbows.

"Don't move." Were the only words he spat at me. I stood as he unfastened my bra and dragged that down to the blouse. Tying the two together, my arms were held steadfast to my sides, using my shivering body as a splint. Abruptly, he threw me over to the couch, unable to gather my balance, I toppled to my knees. He took hold of my waist and pushed me forward, shoving my face into the bottom cushion. The gentle wind kissed my backside as my skirt was lifted. Fear swept over me, I squeezed my eyes shut as tightly as I could. I heard a zipped being pulled down and the ruffling of fabric falling to the floor.

Black, nothing but black as I kept my eyes closed. The only sound I could hear now was my own breath escaping from my lips as it hit the leather of the sofa. I felt a sense of calm as I waited for his next move. His fingers made their way to the moist lips of my vagina, they entered me, slowly at first then pounding. I cried out with pain, then was told to keep quiet. I pursed my lips to keep myself from screaming. Tears began to stream down my face, sweat was dripping out of every pore and my body was thrust forward and my head slammed into the back of the sofa as his cock violated me.

Several hard smacks landed on my bottom, afraid to make any noise I twisted to get away. That only caused him to get frustrated with me and he grabbed my bound wrists and held them tightly to my back. He continued to fuck me, hard and fast. Then, seemingly frustrated with it, he stood up, took hold of my shoulders and yanked me onto the floor.

Crashing down, I waited. Shaking, scared and helpless, I waited for him. He approached me, mounted me, entered me, raped me and I let him. He continued as I just laid there, I wasn't moving, I wasn't trying to escape, I just laid there. Then, I snapped. I wiggled out of my clothing and with the release of my arms, I held them to his chest and pushed. I kicked, I thrashed about like a fish stripped of its water and I pushed him off of me. He only gripped my wrists and pinned them to the cold wooden floor. I was stuck but that didn't mean that I wouldn't still fight. I tried to move my arms, I tried to get away but it was no good.

A wave of acceptance fell over me. I let it happen and I took it all in. I let my eyes close and I roll my head. As soon as I became comfortable, he stopped and got off of me. I turned my head back and opened my eyes to him. He covered his face with his soft hands and started to cry.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Kitten, I just can't. I can't." He sobbed. I was sympathetic to him, I understand, I thought. Not vocalised, caught in a daze, almost self analysing. I tilted my head up and locked my focus on the ceiling. I heard him begging for me to talk to him. My mind lay dormant as I looked at the ceiling. He fell to the floor and laid next to me, sobbing and shaking.

My comfort and my acceptance had left me and what came in replace was shame, guilt and horror. Trickling of tears streamed down the sides of my eyes and I began to weep. I let all of the feeling that I neatly tucked away inside me show themselves. When they did show their dirty faces, I couldn't control what I was feeling, instead of crying I did the next best thing. I scram... I poured my heart out into every last drop of my ache and depression.

Master, rolled over to me as I was just letting it all go. He held me and told me to let it all out and I did, I didn't need his permission. I cried and shattered to pieces in his arms. I let it all go and I was healed and better for it. I consoled Master because he was feeling ruined but he was only doing what I had asked him. We both held each other and healed.

Thank you Master, I needed it and so did you...

Four to the floor I was sure...

2004-07-09T04:40:00.000-07:00

The cold wind snakes into the room through the open window. It moved past the curtains and it slithered on to my bed. I lay awake, staring at the nothing that was cast before me. I felt the bed shift in weight, he had returned. I let the silence stay in the room, unwilling to disturb it I waited for him to go to sleep. He rolled over on his back, I watched him cautiously in the mirror in front of me. He wept. Scared, I hesitated to turn to him but his tears were flowing from him like the snake that came in, fast and swift. I turned over to him.

"Master, what's wrong?" I asked. No response, I tried again. "Master, please tell me what's wrong?" He muttered several 'nothings' and then I thought of something. "It's the baby isn't it?"
"Yes." He sobbed. I put my arm under him, I cradled him and let him cry. I stroked his head and gently whispered into his ear that I loved him, I will protect him, I am there for him but it didn't seem to console him.

Earlier that day, I went to the children's hospital on Great Portland Street. I wasn't feeling very well the whole week and eating habits were off the rectors scale. That and I took a test, a test saying that the impossibility was a possibility. So full of hope and happiness I marched into that hospital, gave them my name and waited for the doctor. I went through a series of tests and examinations and two hours later, they had my results.

Negative. My body was producing the hormones that made it think it was pregnant but it wasn't.

"Oh, so I'm not going to have a baby?" I sighed, the doctor looked just as sad as I did.
"Uh, no, I'm afraid not." He said.
"Ah, right." I finished. I wonder what I was thinking, I mean really thinking. I have this nasty trend about me. I think about hundreds of things all at once. The sun and its coexistence to the other stars, what's going on in , to the littlest things like the profound nature of a dew drop on a blade of grass in the middle of the cracked pavement or the origins of sound and symmetry. I think at that moment, I was thinking about how I could tell this to Master.

Until me, he's never wanted a family, now it seems one of the most important things in the world to him. As he was crying in my arms last night, I began to cry too. I cried because this was my worse fear about us, he's at that point in his life where it's important and I'm not there yet. Not to say that I wasn't sad, I was miserable. I thought that I could have given him exactly what he wanted, a family, a baby, stability. He seemed all right when I told him in the afternoon and he seemed just fine during the day but everything hits him at night and this evening it hit him hard.

Today on our way to work, I think we've come to an understanding of what will take place tonight. I like to use BDSM as a healing process, I can find the pure spirituality in it and I use it to fix what ales me. Tonight, I have requested that we play in this way. I think that it will do the both of us some good. I have yet to teach Master about Kundalini and how BDSM can be spiritual but I'm sure he'll catch on fast like he always does.

The Ocelot and her Master have a love to share with the world or at least, the un suspecting…

2004-07-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

After a long day I work I hop on the tube to the Northern line and ventured home. The fresh London air hit my face as I skipped home, I was in a rush to see Master, that and he was making dinner and I was excited about that. Get into my building, key in lock and lock open or not. I tried the lock several times and the lock just wouldn’t open. I pushed and shoved and kicked and re-established the bruise that I had the other day. On my final shove on the door, Master opened it and I almost fell through. He smiled at me and kissed me softly on the lips and he welcomed me home.

Later on that evening after we had done the washing up after dinner, Master had me put on my thigh boots and so I did. I was wearing an all white ensemble with the black shiny patent boots while he dressed in all black. He sat on the grey stool at the bar, how gorgeous he looked. I put on a song and slowly turned around, I could see his sex hardening and I dropped to my knees. I crawled to him, flicking my backside like a cat would when approaching its prey. My lips met his shin and I worked my way up, I kissed his knee, I licked his inner thigh. I savoured the salt of his skin on my tongue and nuzzled the budge in his pants. I kissed his, and licked the fabric while his hand slipped around the nape of my neck, I heard him moan above me and I stood up.

Feeling feisty, I decided to give him a lap dance. There is something about him that makes me feel so animal. I grinded into him and felt his hands around my waist, he held me close and lifted up my skirt. Slowly moving my panties aside, he slipped his fingers inside of me. Blushing, I whimpered silently, riding his hand. He then nudged me off of him and I moved, he turned me around and I attacked him. Kissing his neck, his forehead, his chest. Clawing at his shirt to unbutton it as fast as I could, he pushed me off of him and onto the floor.

I lay, waiting for him. He approached me, kneeling down; he took my hips and pulled them toward him. Plunging deep inside of me we fucked. He held my legs high up in the air and grinded deeper inside of me. Sweating, panting and moaning we continued, I dropped my head down on the carpet and rolled my head over to the left. Master stopped and we both looked outside.

“Kitten, bus.” He said.
“I know I see it and she sees us.” Sure enough out side of our window was a double Decker bus and a woman who was eye level and only a few feet away from our window, staring straight at us. She was reading her copy of the evening standard and just happened to divert her eyes for that one second that the bus stopped at a red light. She got more then she could bargain for that night. We lay frozen in our position, waiting for the bus to move, which it seemed to not be doing. Our flat has a balcony door and window, minus the balcony; we had a curtain for half of the window, just not the part where that unfortunate lady happened to be sitting. When the bus moved, Master jumped right off of me and we both had a very good laugh for the evening.

A few hours later, I taught Master some Crop techniques and training, which he practiced on me. It hurt for a while when he was just getting his bearings but things evened out when he started to master it. He delighted in the fact that the windows were opened and people were looking in as he whipped my backside. I don’t know the laws about that in this country but in California, there would be cops already at the door. I can only imagine the sight; me, bent over, filing and painting my nails while Master had a very perplexed look on his face and his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth, scratching his head and whipping me, getting the angle and the feeling just right. We don’t have any neighbours, just people in cars that can hardly see us but that night… we shared our love with the world or any poor sap that just so happened to look up.

Tortured by The Fall…

2004-07-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

A long drive home it seemed, Master was listening to The Fall (think what would happen if William Shatner had launched his musical career). I slumped low in the seat. I came very close to ejecting it and tossing it out of the window but refrained when ‘Going to Spain’ came on. When it was done, I quickly ejected it and popped in something else. It was a tape that Master had got when he was in Morocco, he gave it to me wrapped in a letter he had written me on the day that we were supposed to break up. I kept it, with the letter and a few months later decided that now was a good time to play it. His eyes lit up and he got a rowdy, bouncing up and down in his seat and proclaiming that this was: ‘The bollocks!’ The sun was making its way through the parting clouds and it sparkled down on us. I didn’t understand a word of what was blaring out of his speakers but the rapid beat of the drums sang to me.

“What are you thinking about?” Master asked, I didn’t even give the appearance of there being something wrong, he just picked up on it.
“What do you think about adoption?” I asked. I don’t know what I was trying to get out of him but I knew I needed and answer.
“I think it’s fine.”
“I think we should adopt.” Master didn’t say anything but I knew what he was thinking, I was thinking the same thing too, it’s not ours. “Well, I don’t know what you’re expecting, I can’t seem to get it through to you that I can’t have a child.” I blurted, I didn’t mean for that to come out like that. He popped the tape out, and we sat in silence. Seeing the disappointment in his eyes, I looked away, straight out the car window.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, what’s wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong.
“I’m fine.” Liar.
“Kitten, what’s wrong?” He saw right through that. I feel useless, totally useless. “Kitten, why aren’t you talking to me?” Sometimes I feel like I can’t look into the mirror. “Diane, why aren’t you talking to me?” I thought I was.
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I think I’m over it but it always seems to come back.” He sat his hand on my lap and gently rubbed my knee, as if to say, it’s okay. I took it as such and wiped my tears.

When we got home, rested and relaxed, I began to make dinner, with the bonus of not burning the house down. It was, to my surprise, very good. We played, and then slept.

The next day, we made our maiden voyage to IKEA. The place was packed; Master and I went through the animalistic ritual of the hunt for glasses. When that was completed, we came home and I cooked again, I’m getting the hang of this cooking thing. I am feeling so good about it, I think it’s dinner party time, now I need to find guests. I am having a difficult time adjusting to English ways; even the language is tossing me off course. Master is trying to teach me how to speak Northern… key word is trying.

We ended the day by having a well awaited for scene, which he already wrote in his journal. I must say that the clothes pegs hurt so much. It was the vibration of the smacks and the dangling of my breast. He had me kneel on the bed, and then in doggie style so that I could see myself head on in the mirror. With each smack he delivered on my backside sent a wave of vibration to the chattering of my teeth, right down to the tingling of my toes. Why should my breast be any different? The pain isn’t quite as bad as I would like it to be but he’s getting there. Tonight, he makes dinner and I get the crop…

3 Libras

2004-07-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

It’s been another day of nothing. I feel less then the shell I’ve been born out of and I can’t raise my voice because no one will hear. Where do we go from here? I walked down the street, alone and lost but with a strong sense of direction, I’m walking with you and you see me but you’re not with me. I’m hurt with the sting of your ignorance of me; do you hear me when I speak? Do you know I’m there?

The sun has cleared out the summer rain that dripped on my face and trickled down to my brow. I look up to see the clouds and see them pass me by, clearing a pathway for the jet planes that skirt on by, I sigh wishing I was on one to anywhere but here. I think I’ll go back to Singapore. Soaking wet and tired, I make my way back to work. I’m tired, tired of trying to be heard, tired of my vain wishes to be seen. I’m a part of you now; did you know it? When you’re inside of me, you become me; can you feel it?

I can see through you with my eyes closed, but you’re not glass to me, so please stop thinking you’re worthless. I don’t turn to you for strength, that’s what I’m here for. I turn to you for guidance, we’re on this path together but for some reason you want to go on your own route. That’s fine; I surely don’t want to be the small child that tags along. I don’t want you to adore me, but I don’t want you to ignore me.

I hate when people say if they were walking down the street others wouldn’t see them. That’s not true, I’d see them, I see everyone. I look at people straight in the eyes and make them ghosts no more. I am no longer a ghost in this crowded town but the only person I want to see me doesn’t notice me at all. No, I don’t think you see me at all…

The ribbon

2004-07-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

He lay motionless, the sheets draped over his body like water would a rock when the tide comes in. I dive into the sea with him. Resting my head on his shoulder I begin to speak to him in a low whisper. All of the meaningful poetry I spoke dripped off my tongue and into his ear but he didn’t hear a word of it.

Gently stroking his head, I began to drown myself in his arms, wrapped them around me and nestled in his warmth. “You’re cold.” He sighed.

“Yes.” He rolled onto his back and I stared at the ceiling. Feeling nothing less then whole, it was a long day filled with anger and great happiness. We have found a home that we both like; it will be ours and ours alone. The question of 24/7 had come up with Master holding me very tightly and gently kissing my forehead.

“Yes Kitten.” He said in a low voice. He held me tighter and I closed my eyes, absorbing the moment in my mind. I seem new to submission though I’ve done it the last few years of my life, 24/7. I’ve done it before but it was rough, really rough, I wonder if I could do it again? And what of my submission? Can I be the proper slave for him? I know I’ll try my best but I hate to disappoint but strangely enough that’s not what I was thinking about. What I was thinking about was my collar. I remember the first day I met Master; we only met as friends with the inkling of what we wanted from each other. The sky blue ribbon was pulled out of his coat pocket and handed to me; all he said was that it reminded him of me and that I should have it.

It wasn’t anything special but it put me on cloud 9. I wore it with love everyday, I did, and I loved it. I feel that my relationship with Master has gone fast but it seemed like enough, we both have come to an understanding for each other and a mutual love. That ribbon with a sliver bell attached to it symbolises my love for him. I love it more then I would a ring on my left finger. I’m just being silly, I’ll be fine…correction, we’ll be just fine. I roll over and fall asleep.

There is a light that never goes out...

2004-06-28T03:10:00.000-07:00

The warm water splashed against my face as I rinsed the soap off, I felt at ease as the water trickled down my front. I was at peace, although it didn’t last long.

“Kitten, Kitten!” Master called from the other room, I grabbed a towel and dried myself off while walking over to him.
“Yes Sir?” I asked. He looked up at me and beamed.
“Morrissey is performing.” I turned towards the television. We were watching the Glastonbury festival, Muse had been playing earlier and I thought that they’d play them again so I had Master on Muse watch. I went back into the bathroom as I heard ‘First of the gang to die’ looming about the room. Master collapsed on the bed face down; I leaned back, looking at him in wonderment out of the bathroom door. He popped his head back up and slowly rubbed his eyes, sniffling.

“Master, are you crying?”
“Yes.” He responded.
“Why?” Was it something that I’ve done?
“I just fucking love Morrissey.” He said. This song wasn’t even sad, even for Morrissey standards. I thought that it was so sweet that he was crying to a song on the T.V. I’ve never seen a grown man cry while listening to a piece of music before; it was very refreshing. I sat down next to him in my towel and just enjoyed it with him, and I shared his moment. When it was over the commentators said that they’d played: ‘There is a light that never goes out.’ Master cried that the thought of that song. I’d never heard it before and he tried to explain the lyrics to me. I thought that it was a bit morbid but then again, it was The Smiths.

Master and I have a very unique relationship. Something beyond the bog standard (See, I’m becoming more and more English by the day!) of everyday relationships. I think that that’s what makes us tick. There is this silent fear that we both have saying that this will not work. In my own head, I think well, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work but Master puts so much stress into it, just to make it work. I say ‘why fix what ain’t broke?’ I don’t think he understands that. He doesn’t want anymore hurt or pain in his life and I don’t want to be the last chance for him. The fate of our relationship rests on my shoulders and I’m just coming out of the devastation of the last one. It’ll be interesting to see how this will all play out, just to stand outside of myself and take a look. I just wish he'd stop stressing out about us and just let us click the way that we always have. Master, my shoulders are getting heavy from the weight of us both....

In any case, I looked up the lyrics to the song that makes my Master cry at the thought of it and I fell in love with it myself, morbid and all. I think it sums up our relationship…whatever happens.

There is a light that never goes out- The Smiths

Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da ...
Oh, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out
There Is A Light And It Never Goes Out

Being Grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up…these are the best days of our lives…

2004-06-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

As the gust of wind thrashed against the windowpane, the room echoed the thunderous clatter but it didn’t seem to matter, I was watching the end of Frasier. I have been watching that show since I was knee high to a grasshopper, okay; I was taller than the grasshopper but you get the general idea and today, I watched my favourite show come to a very anticlimactic end. Not that the ending didn’t fit it but I think that they paid a lot more attention to the end of Friends, not that it wasn’t well deserved, actually I didn’t like the show but I did watch the final episode. I was very sad to see Frasier go, though it has run its course. Two things happened while watching Frasier: One, Master asked me to marry him and two, I realised that I was no longer a little girl.

I’ve spent my whole life under the very protective wing of my mother, though I never understood her reasons for most of the things in my life, I never questioned her. I have been rebellious but only in terms of religion and nothing more. She has helped me understand a thing or eight about how the world works without having to make me see it myself. Then I met Kenn and thought that I knew it all. I challenged her, telling her that I was more adult then she gave me credit for. I told her until the days the cows came home, there was just one thing missing…I forgot to show her how adult I was. I forgot to show only because I really wasn’t; I was nothing more then a scared and nervous child trapped in a 20 year olds body. When I turned 21, I didn’t feel a change, until now.

I went to look for a flat today, on my own. I went to work today and talked about adult themed content. I left work and walked home, all by myself. These are things that I’m not used to, these are things that I’m becoming acquainted with and I don’t know how to handle them. I have always had the help of Kenn and my mother when I needed them and now I don’t have them anymore. I have Master but I think he sees the fact that I need to grow. I love him, I love the fact that he is helping me grow and in the right direction and on my own. He’s there but not as my mother was, as he wants to be which is great for me because I can expand my wings.

I watched two things happen to me today. I saw the end of my favourite show and I saw myself as an adult.

Seattle we love you! Frasier has left the building...

How’d you get your gun to shoot so straight?

2004-06-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

I have been in love with the night lately. I feel like I’ve become somewhat of a vampire, staying up until dawn, and then slipping into the cold sheets of my bed, when night falls I’m alive again. Master wrote two things in is journal that have been bothering me, okay, maybe not bothering per say, I’ve just been obsessing over them. The first is:

“I wonder what it would be like to hold my child ... will I ever, or has my chance been snatched away from me ... ?”

This just breaks my heart. What can I tell him aside from yes; it has been taken away from you. I am a good slave, if I can’t do something to please my Master, I feel horrible about it. I can’t do this and I feel…lost. I was thinking about it on Father’s day, if I ever do marry, I’ll never be able to give my husband a child. Not only has it been taken away from Master, it’s been taken away from me too. Not that it doesn’t hurt me Master, because it does; it tears me up on the inside to know that there will be something missing.

The other thing he wrote was:
“She has my heart, but hers is still possessed by Kenn. I am her Master, but he owns what I desire ... will I ever possess it?”

You do have my heart Sir, you know it. Kenn is a ghost of the past and like most ghosts do, they haunt. What can I do? Move on, yes I know but as I said before, it’s going to be really hard, not impossible. I never knew he cared about me as much as he wrote, I must have been blind.

I care about him too, more then I lead on I feel. There is this passion in us that others can sense, there is something un methodical with our relationship. We are who we are. Don’t worry Sir, everything will be just fine. "Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on alright..." -Modest Mouse

Enough about that, I need something to make me laugh… Oh yeah, here’s something. I thought Master was going to mention it but he didn’t so I will. When I came back from California, Master booked us a romantic evening in the out skirts of Coventry, at this fantastic hotel. We spent many a lustful night, day, and morning there. One of the days that we were there, we decided to take a bit of a breather and go find an internet café. What we forgot to do was put all of the toys and ropes away.

So, upon our return I noticed that room service had come in and done some deconstruction work. Master noticed that everything was neatly bunched together on the floor. The lube, condoms, SM books, lots and lots of rope, blind folds, crops, duct tape and the gold vibrator that was standing erect in the middle of all the rope. Woops! I can only imagine the shock on their faces when they saw it, you’d think they’d leave it alone but no, they put it in a group on the floor. Ahh… that cheered me up.

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you…

2004-06-20T15:35:00.000-07:00

My sleepless night last night led me to think. I think all the time, it’s the Gemini in me, we are haunted by our thoughts and our obsessions. I softly rolled out of bed so not to wake Master, he whimpered and I ran my hand up and down his back to soothe him, which it did. My pillar of strength was now nothing more then a small child, I smiled and moved over to the chair next to the bed. I grabbed a towel and sauntered into the bathroom, shower on, shampoo in, rise out and dry off. I wrapped the towel around my waist; I tied my long curly hair up in a bun and began my ritual of applying make up. Nothing fantastic just slight tint of green across my lids, I drew on my eyes with a charcoal pencil and finished it off with mascara. Remembering what Master had said only a few hours ago: “You look like an Egyptian bust.” I sized myself up in the mirror, turning my head from left to right. When I was satisfied, the click of a button turned out the lights.

Dressed, I snuck out side for a sunrise walk. In all my 21 years of life, I’ve never seen the sun rise. Rise, it did. It crept through the sky with its elaborate colours like an artist painting the most exquisite picture you could have ever imagined with your mines eye. Vibrant reds and oranges paired with soft delicate violets and yellows. Once I felt I could bear to leave, I went back to our room and sat down on the bed. I kicked off my flip flops and cuddled next to Master, he held me in his arms and I started to sing to him, I know he was dead asleep but he heard me, he drew me in closer.

I know he feels like he doesn’t know where he stands with me. The truth is I don’t know where he does either. I want to serve him, this he knows, I want to please him, this I have. I don’t think that it we need to define what we are other then Master, pet. That’s what we are.

When he woke later on, we got ready to head out to my parents house. We would have been there on time if it weren’t for the well planned Ring Road that circled Coventry city centre, I used well planned extremely loosely. While trying to find our way, I prepped Master on what he should and should not say around my father and step mother. This couldn’t be good no matter which way I saw it or how I could have prepared him. The truth of the matter is, no matter how well he can charm them: I’m 21 and he’s 44. That’s the bottom line.

Stepped out of the car, walked to the door, I straightened his collar and my dad answered the door. I don’t know how Master felt but I was a nervous wreck in flip flops, we walked in and introductions were made. The meeting went off just fine; Master has a way with conversation and just being so damn charming. This worked well for me because I kept falling asleep on his shoulder so someone needed to carry on the conversation. I guess the only thing that was bothering me was the fact that my father wasn’t being very sociable; in fact he wasn’t talking at all.

Later on I found out that it was because he was slightly miffed at me for not saying ‘happy fathers day’ when I did, all was right in the jungle. We talked about everything, jokes, my family’s MAFIA ties and the royal family. We then had dinner and we all talked more, this couldn’t have been more perfect if I wrote it myself. I was happy. When Master had to leave for London we walked outside to say our good byes.

The topic of my possible going back to California to stay came up. It was something that I have been thinking about for a while now, he knows it. I can’t help it. After Kenn, I never had the time to morn, anything really. I lost everything virtually overnight and I needed time to breathe. Instead, I had school and doctor appointments and finals and projects to film, and then I had Master and his things to deal with. I had so much on my plate and I wasn’t even hungry but I was always full. I thought that maybe the best thing for me right now would be to go back to California until life was sorted out. I’ll have to think about it longer but if I go, I want to take him with me.

...And we layed awake in lust...

2004-06-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

3:38 in the morning, we both layed in a heap on the bed. The sheets were half on and the breeze snuck into the room like a cat, lurking around in the hopes of finding a mouse.

"Are you okay?" I asked him as he delicately kissed my forehead, he shook his head no. "We should get to sleep."
"I don't want to." He responded. I smiled and he kissed me again. The soft taste lingered on my lips.
"Oh? Why don't you want to?" I laughed.
"I don't want to lose this moment."
"Where will it go?" I asked, very confused, it will be here when we wake up.
"It's like, well, if we do go to sleep when we wake up it'll be different." He responded. He tightened his grip on my waist and drew me in closer. I could hear him breathing me in, I relished in the thought and rolled over to my side.
"We can go out? Take a walk?" I paused for a moment, then I sat up. "We could go to California!" (*Side note* California, Norfolk...England. Shockingly enough, it's at the beach.)

"We could do." He said.
"But you might fall asleep at the wheel."
"Yeah, I might." He laughed, I layed back onto his stomach and he gently stroked my chest.
"Then, we'd better not drive up there then." I used this time to be rational, if it were me driving, we'd be gone by now. I layed my head back and let him discover the parts of my body I thought were lost. I like the sensation of his nails being dragged up my inner thigh, then down to my knees and swirling around my calf. I'm sure he couldn't hear it but this Ocelot was purring.

The night went on like this, I found self discovery through another person and it felt, real. We then decided that sex was on the menu...again... and so we decided to dine on each other. I sat up and mounted him, I could feel myself being impaled. Hungry wasn't how I felt, I was down right starving and he knew it. He used that against me and grabbed on to my waist and he bounced me, I toppled forward and he began to spank me. Suffice to say, I think he has found his niche.

We went on until we could not go any longer and then we went further, this cat is giving this old dog plenty of new tricks. When we did cast our demons out and sank back into the bed. In my head, I kept thinking of a song that fit how I felt at that moment. A Depeche Mode lyric: "It's only when I lose myself in someone else, that I find myself."

For me it couldn't be truer, I've spent my whole life afraid of my sexuality. I was taught that it was something good girls didn't think about and now, as I laid awake, panting and sweating. I loved...everything. Kiss me again Master, please...

Yes Master, thank you...

2004-06-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

I lay on my side, slightly shivering from the cool air that leaked into the room from the open window. I close my eyes and breathe in the calm that has come over me. I feel his hand slowly creep over my waist and hug me, his fingers tip toe down to my backside and he begins to rub. I sigh and a shiver was sent up my spine, he lightly taps my right cheek.
Methodically, he maneuvers between the two, slowly getting harder with each strike. I gently cry out as he kept going.

“Put your hands behind your back kitten.” He whispered in my ear. I nodded my head and obeyed. I shifted onto my stomach and I rested my hands on my back. He leaned in closer; I could feel his warm breath on my shoulders. I felt his hand tightly grip onto my wrists as the other went back to my butt. He struck again, hard this time. I twisted and riled beside him. He chuckled and kissed my shoulders delicately. “Are you okay?” He asked politely.

“Yes Master, thank you.” I sighed.
“Good, now I’m going to tie your hands behind your back.” I felt the weight of the bed shift as he got up and walked to his bag. He pulled out a golden yellowish cord and walked in front of me, dangling it in front of my face. “Roll completely onto your stomach kitten.”

I did without hesitation. I shifted and rolled onto my stomach, being ever so careful of landing on my newly pierced ears. I buried my face deep into the pillow and waited. He took my right arm and tied it, and then the left was bound to it, like a splint. When finished, he walked around the bed again and sat next to me. I felt his fingers slowly playing with my hair, and then he went back to work on my backside. He struck me with beautiful, fluid motions. I whimpered but it was nothing I couldn’t handle. He had a very firm and aggressive hand and I kept raising my ass towards him, trying to show him that I wanted more. He laughed at my efforts and he kept going, I moved, I whined, I was satisfied.

“I want to fuck you now.” He said, my heart raced and I couldn’t hide the bold smile that covered my face. “Go towards the mirror and face it, I want to watch you.” He motioned towards the mirror. I tried to gracefully get up but I think he was more amused with the fact that I couldn’t with my arms tied behind me. With a little effort, I slowly rose and crawled over to the mirror. On my knees I looked at my self, helpless and loving it. I saw him behind me, slowly pushing me down. I went down, and raised my ass to him. His slender fingers prodding me, I moaned and he entered me.

With each thrust his hand landed on my ass, sending a wave of pleasure through me. My goodness, has it really been that long? I rode him, our bodies slamming together as he made me go faster, like a jockey would a horse. “Are you okay kitten?” He asked as I bit down on the duvet.
“Oh, yes Master.” I moaned underneath him. I clutched onto his arm as he thrusted harder into me. The sweet sensation of the vibration of his motions made my body tense up, and then I relaxed.

We went on like this for a while longer, then when finished. He released me and I fell on my stomach. Gasping for the air that I knew was there but wasn’t seemingly in my reach. I felt free, freer then I have in so long and I loved it because it was mine. He felt free, freer then he has in years and he loved it because I was his.

Home to me

2004-06-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Home, I’m going home tomorrow. He’ll be there at the airport waiting for me. A request, wear a long skirt; it makes me look elegant, wear a white blouse, he never explained why. I packed all of my things except those two. I can’t help but shake with desire, with every fluid motion I made about the house. I felt primal and charming, the musty heat of the California air, aided in my decision to take a shower. I walked into the bathroom, turned the water to cold and stood in front of the mirror.

I looked at my freshly pierced ears that he persuaded to do; they don’t hurt like I thought they would. 21 today and I don’t feel a day older, 21 today and I don’t feel like anything has changed. Something has changed; my life has changed. I pinned my curly hair up and out of the way of my ears. I slowly peeled my clothes off, I un buttoned my black blouse and rolled it off my torso. I un fastened the hook of my bra and slipped it off my chest, I took off my skirt and slipped up and over. I turned back to the mirror and had a good look at myself. I was naked but I didn’t feel it.

Into the shower I went, I soaped, scrubbed and rinsed every part of me and when finished I stepped out. Reaching into the closet, I grabbed a soft black towel. Taking the Egyptian cotton in both of my hands, I wipe off the beads of water from my neck, and then I move it down to my breast. I envision him behind me, taking me in his arms and gently drying me. He’ll kiss my neck and remove the towel from me as he motions for me to face him. I do, our eyes lock and he takes me, embraces me, then kisses me. A kiss I haven’t ever felt before, I’ve been waiting for it my whole life. I accepted it and drank in the moment.

I want him. I can’t wait to be home and in his arms. I never felt like England was home, I knew that California was. Slowly but surely I had to retrain myself to know that I am now longer in California, Toto, I am not in Kansas anymore. Now I know what home feels like, and I found it in his embrace. He is home to me and he’ll be there when my plane lands to welcome me back.

God is love

2004-06-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

They don’t love you like I love you.
They don’t need you like I need you.
They won’t care for you like I can care for you.
I won’t leave you like you’ve left me.

It’s my time to heal but I can’t do it gracefully. Black tears trickle down my face as I pass by your house and I can’t do it gracefully.

I come from a very religious family…very is an understatement. My family are Jehovah Witnesses. Now this whole conversation started when my mother wanted to get something clear as we were on a friendly car drive to the store.

“I don’t appreciate the remark you made about Jehovah the other day.” She started, in my mind I just thought about a way to weave around it but this time I felt up for the challenge.
“I didn’t say anything against Jehovah, I said that I didn’t appreciate what was said against homosexuals.”
“Well, he’s not against it.”
“But you can’t be one?” I asked as I shifted in the car seat, I rolled my window down. “What are they supposed to do? Ignore it? You can’t hide your feelings.”
“There is a difference in hiding and giving in to temptation.” She began. “There are some brothers that are gay in the church. They just don’t act out there homosexual tendencies.” What? So they’re gay without being gay? “Remember about Sodom and Gomorrah? Jehovah warned them that if they kept up they’re practice they’d be destroyed.”

This conversation went on with a frustrated Diane in the front seat of her mother’s black Toyota Camry. We talked about why being gay was bad and morally wrong. I kept asking her questions and she kept quoting the bible. Then I said the ultimate, only because I wanted an answer.

“What does God think about Sadomasochists?”
“That’s wrong, it’s completely wrong. It’s morally bad and it was also done in Sodom and Gomorrah.” She said without batting an eyelash. I knew that she would say that but did she know that I would say this: “So, I’m bad?”

She stopped for a moment, looked at me. Jesus, why can’t this light turn green?? “You like people to beat you?” Sometimes.
“No, it all has to be consensual.”
“Please explain, tell me why you like it.” She asked. I couldn’t answer that, I mean I could but not in a good Christianly manor. I answered the best as I could, it wasn’t good enough and we debate. She then began to tell me that that is why I let Kenn do what he did to me. No, that’s not it! “Then what is it?”

“Mother, just because I’m submissive doesn’t mean that I’m going to be abused by every guy that crosses my path.” I then began to tell her about the abuse centers where I talk to women who go through the same thing.” We’ve made it to the store and got out, she was hoping that the conversation had ended, deep down inside, I wished it too. Then there was this: “How does Mike factor in all of this? Does he do this too?” I didn’t want to tell her yes because I didn’t get an acceptance from her, she doesn’t want me in a relationship like that any more.
“He knows I do.” Mom, he’s my new Master.
“How does he feel about it?” She asked, feeling how firm the avocado in her hand was, I guess it was fine because she reached over and grabbed a plastic bag. I wanted her to understand as best as she could. I’m happy like this, I’m proud to be like this but I guess our God doesn’t seem to.
“He feels fine about it mom, he doesn’t mind it.” He’s my new Master, I love him and I’m happy. We continued the conversation with my mother ending up with a new sense of who her daughter is and I know that I don’t have to hide this from her anymore. She knew I was submissive but to what extent, she knows now. Will God love me for who I am? I think so.

The Stepford wife…

2004-06-12T14:17:00.000-07:00

“As I was watching that movie, I kept thinking about the similarities of you and Kenn.” Jimmy said in all seriousness while we were going on our drive to the middle of nowhere. Jimmy and I used to do this all of the time when we needed to just talk about anything that was really bothering us. Once I told him that listening to the song ‘Give it away’ from Zero 7 was like having God in my presence, I felt that he hand his hand on my shoulder and that’s why I feel so euphoric every time I hear it. This time, there was no euphoria; there were tears and confessions that we have wanted to say.

“The men who would never get women end up having the most beautiful to cater to them.” He stopped for a moment, and then laughed slightly. “I never understood the relationship you two had, I just thought, she loves him and I have to understand that.” I nodded. “I just slowly noticed the change.”

“Change?” I asked.
“Yeah, he was controlling you more and more. It’s like the little amount of power you gave him, he took it and ran with it.”

I don’t know about the running with it but maybe I couldn’t see it. There are always these things that plague my effervescent mind and one of them was my submissiveness. Not saying that I don’t like to be submissive but did I turn into a doormat? The one thing I am against, doormats, god gave you a brain, you should use it but did I slip? I have to wonder over it again because of my new relationship with Mike. In my life history does repeat it’s self and I am way too trusting for my own damn good but I can’t have this habitual habit of pushing people away.

My mother even said that I could be a Stepford wife; I have the clothing, the passiveness, the cooking and house cleaning capabilities, with the exception of my bedroom. But how submissive is too submissive? And have I gone that far? Yes, I have and I know it. I don’t submit to anyone who say they’re a Dom, that is all well and good but you’re not mine. However, I did do something that was totally against my beliefs and that worries me, I can’t let it happen to me again.

“I can’t see anyone controlling you, you’re just too powerful, too smart, too you.” Jimmy continued, “If you didn’t do what he said he’d break up with you. How second grade? If you don’t do as I say you’re not invited to my birthday party. You didn’t even have to know the person but if you weren’t invited to their party that hurt your feelings.”

“He always used that against me, I didn’t want to lose him so I always did what he asked.” I cried. Great, I just went from submissive to doormat to battered wife.
“He always knew that he was beneath you and he had to change that.” He finished. I sighed, I really need to start re-evaluated the rules before I enter my next relationship, this will not happen to me again.

I think that’s why I like reading other peoples journals…or maybe it’s just the voyeur in me. No, I like reading other journals because there are so many other life stories being told, some times I try to find someone that may have walked a similar path as I have. When I started my coming of age in kink, my psychiatrist told me to find some answers online. I love her, I knew her since I was nine, when this whole thing started. My parents sent me to her to try to sort out this whole kink interest I seemed to have. She, being scene friendly, took me that I was no more abnormal then anyone else and she pointed me in the safe right direction.

So as I grew up, online I went, I remember the first journal I read and still read from time to time, I was 17 and it was the first journal I saw. It was:

Shimmer

Funny as it sounds, but I grew up reading her journal. Then I found organizations and groups, I found:

The Society of Janus

To which I attended meetings and classes and gained more knowledge. With all of that, I still like reading journals, my new favourite is:

Glory

Very cleaver cat...and I’m still looking for more. I am a big believer in learning from other people and so that I do.

Used to be the air that I breathe now it's choking me up...

2004-06-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

He breathes, silently into my ear. I can feel the moist heat on my neck. Shifting, I roll over on to my right side. I smile in my sleep, facing the window, the moon light pours in through the cracks of my blinds and falls on my face. I bite my lower lip as he presses himself against my bare back, if he wants me; he can have me, don’t hesitate and don’t ask.

A cool hand was raising over my hip, exploring my thighs, every part of my lower half. Wet kisses made their way over my back as he held my tighter. His fingers slowly walked down my hip to the furrow nestled in between my thighs. Moaning, I spread my legs and let him in, stroking the lips he then slipped two fingers inside of me. Blushing, I purred with pleasure as he worked me. I couldn’t moan loud enough for him because he kept telling me to moan louder.

“You belong to me, no one else but me. Do you understand?” He growled in my ear.
“I understand.”
“Then say it, who do you belong to?
“You, I belong to you…” My words faded into my deep moans as he moved up and worked my clit. I buried my face into the pillow and spread my legs wider.
“Wider slut, open you legs wider for me.” I obeyed, I opened my self up to him like a flower, I peeled my legs apart and he went back inside of me, thrusting inside of me. I rolled my eyes into the back of my head and faced him, he wasn’t there. I was still curled up in my bed clutching my sheets. I turned back to my pillow and wept. He wasn’t here; he wasn’t anywhere. I can do this; I can get over him, if I wanted to. It’s like one of my favourite songs from Snow Patrol says: ‘Maybe I can do it if I but my back into it, I can leave you if I want to but there’s no where else that I can go…’ I can’t.

It’s all unresolved. Tell how I can move on if I don’t know how to end it. I want to call him and say I’m sorry but I didn’t do anything wrong. I did what he asked of me to the last drop and this is what he gave me in return. I deserve better then this. I still love him and I can’t get out of it he didn’t say good bye and I’m still hung up on it. I feel collared by Mike and Kenn and I can't seem to shake any of them. Help!

I got an e-mail from someone asking why I didn't have a 100 things about me yet, I replied with a: 'Cause I'm not that interesting...' but I did one anyway. Kelly, this is for you...

100 things about me…

1.I have very curly long hair
2.It has pink strips on top, reddish brown and random blond curls.
3.Radiohead and Muse are my favourite bands
4.I speak 8 different languages, fluently
5.I have only had sex with one person
6.My first time was rape
7.I had my start in BDSM when I was nine, fascination with rope what kind I say
8.I feel the happiest when I am in my car driving
9.My car’s name is Eucalyptus. Euuki for short and because it’s green and I play this song that gives it a new nick name… ‘Green hornet’
10.My car is a 2003 Toyota Echo and it’s bad ass
11.I love watching stand up comedians
12.I love laughing
13.Happiness is a nice pair of flip flops
14.I wanted to be a trained assassin, got mighty damn close as well because a bounty hunter instead
15.One of my nick names is ‘Escape artist’ because I can get out of rope bondage in fifteen seconds
16.I have a west highland white terrier named Sadi
17.I have three cats
18.All of the pets I ever own have bizarre names i.e. Tree born kettle bearing pigtailed girl…that’s it’s full name
19.I was engaged
20.I was going to marry one of my best friends only to get divorced…seriously and we weren’t drunk when we came up with it
21.I was christened a Catholic, had my bat mitzvah, family turned Jehovah’s Witness and decided that I wanted to be pagan. In the end I just kept all of the above.
22.I am a skilled swords (wo)man in both fencing and samurai.
23.I wrote my first screenplay at 9 called ‘The nine lives of Kitty Meow’ It’s about a prostitute who is murdered
24.I am a member of MENSA but I can be a real ditz a lot of the time
25.I want a Vespa
26.My friends and I have a theory that I’m going to be killed by a Vespa
27.I have written 32 plays and directed 15 of them
28.I used to be a radio station on air personality
29.I would dump my husband or boyfriend for Kylie Minogue and Uma Thurman
30.God save the Queen…Kylie
31.I am a certified fag hag
32.I am a card carrying Sadomasochist
33.I teach classes on BDSM
34.I also teach classes on human training
35.My birthday is June 15, 1983
36.I am a cancer survivor
37.My best friends are Andrea (10 years) and Jimmy (1 year)
38.I was a cheerleader and not in high school, in fact 2 years afterwards
39.Going to church is going to a Radiohead concert
40.I own 4,789 CD’s
41.I am a Gemini
42.My favourite song in the whole wide world, makes me happy even when things go to complete shit…Zero 7’s Give it away
43.Another one of my nicknames is ‘The queen of revenge’ thanks Andrea
44.I live in London
45.I also live in California
46.I performed in the Sydney Opera house in Australia
47.I’ve been to Oz but didn’t get to meet the wizard
48.I don’t do drugs, I don’t need to, I’m so far out there that the assistance of drugs might make me normal
49.I don’t believe in normality
50.I love my thigh boots
51.I don’t wear trousers, I prefer to wear skirts
52.I am a very trusting person and unfortunately that always gets me in trouble
53.I am allergic to milk but I love ice cream and root bear floats
54.I am a film student
55.I can play 8 different instruments, including- Cello, Violin, Bag pipes and trumpet
56.I love Jazz music
57.Denisse says that I always have a phone attached to my ear
58.I am pro anything you want to do as long as it makes you happy and it’s legal
59.I have sky dived
60.When ever I am pissed off or upset, I change my hair colour, hence the pink
61.I can’t clean the house without lots of loud music playing
62.I can’t do anything with out lots of loud music playing
63.I have 8 different middle names
64.I am the product of a beatnik and a hippie turned right wing conservatist (mum)
65.I am Jamaican, Sicilian, and English but everyone thinks I’m Puerto Rican
66.I have every exotic looks
67.Mike says I am like a cat
68.I have been in 63 plays and most were Shakespeare
69.I hate Shakespeare
70.I believe in a great Dom in the sky
71.I love cheese cake
72.I don’t eat chicken or pork
73.I love taco bell
74.I believe in a thing called love
75.I love painting
76.My medium is acrylic
77.All of the (screen)plays I write are morality plays
78.‘No Exit’ is the coolest play/book I’ve ever read, it’s from Jean-Paul Satire
79.I like to write books
80.I’ve been published 15 times and some were short stories in magazines
81.I was accepted into Julliard for Opera but decided against it
82.I’m a pain slut
83.I used to work at Starbucks
84.I don’t understand the ‘hip’ lingo, in fact when my sister speaks to me, it’s like she’s speaking Dutch
85.I like acting silly (oh wait, is it acting??)
86.I hated high school, it was not the best years of my life
87.I have 200 phone numbers in my phone and I talk to all of them
88.I used to play Rugby and American Football
89.I can bend a ball like Beckham
90.Favourite thing to do is that a lawn chair and sit in the sprinklers with Jimmy, just schmoozing
91.If you punch a mime in the stomach it will make a noise
92.I love the sky, it’s vastness and it’s beauty
93.I love to make music videos
94.I have traveled all around the world and loved and hated Japan, Tokyo just isn’t my thing
95.I am slightly agoraphobic
96.I love meditating
97.I actually like to read the dictionary, and on all of my IQ tests I made word warrior but I just don’t like to use any of them
98.I took the ‘Test the nation’ IQ test with the whole of England and got 99% right, only .5% in the whole country.
99.I am severely dyslexic
100.I love life, I almost missed my chance and now I’m making up for it

Wishful spanking…uh, thinking…

2004-06-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

Since I got home, I’ve been longing to turn around and go back. What’s back home for me? Mike and a promise to be spanked, need I say more? I wonder what people think about when they are in their cars, just waiting for the light to turn green? Some people are panicking, rushing to get home or to their jobs, perhaps dates or meetings. I see the looks on their frustrated faces and when they turn, they’ll see the look on my frustrated face. One thing that differs from my frustration and theirs, I’m sexually frustrated. Wait, more then that, I’m spanking deprived.

It’s a sad thing for this masochist to have to sit in her car and just dream about being bent over his knee and letting him have his way with my backside. * Le sigh * That’s what I think about when I’m in the car, at a traffic light. When I think about that, everyone knows what I’m thinking about, maybe not exactly but they get the idea. This one man actually grinned when he looked over at me and blew me a kiss, I wonder if they can smell when a female is in heat?

I remember when Mike and I were playing around in the streets of London and wondered into a local Starbucks, what the heck was I thinking a local Starbucks? Every one on the corner is a local Starbucks…back to the point… Mike and I go into Starbucks and he orders our drinks. I facetiously sneak up behind him and tap him on his cheeks, not that I didn’t know the out come, hopefully. Nothing, he did nothing. Disillusioned, I waited; we got our drinks and wondered down stairs. We drank, we laughed, and I gave him a CD with all of my favourite songs on it. Then we got ready to leave, walking up the stairs in front of all of the patrons he bent me over and…Ooo… * Le BIG sigh * And in typical British fashion, no one paid attention to us. How weird is that? Like it’s normal to see two behaving like that, I guess it is these days. Kenn and I did that as well in our local grocery store, he’d chase me around and when caught, spanked. No one batted an eye, not once.

I really wish I were with Mike right now, what a complicated love story we have… One of these days we might make it to the same page. As of now we seem to know what we want but the gears don’t seem to be in motion, why can’t this work and why can’t we seem to move forward? Oh well, waiting to come home to him and we’ll sort something out…I hope…

Oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood…

2004-06-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

My birthday is in a few days, wow, 21. All of my life to get here and now I’m almost there. The things I thought would happen to me by the age of 21… 1. I was going to be married, 2. I was going to be a mother, 3. I was going to be happy. Imagine my surprise when all of that came crashing down, except for one thing, I’m happy.

For my birthday, my mother gave me the ‘Kill Bill’ Vol. 1 and 2 soundtracks and she also got me the DVD, not to mention a whole lot of clothes. My sister Jennifer got me ‘Winning days’ From The Vines and Jimmy surprised me with the Muse CD ‘Showbiz’ I have never heard of that one but it’s pretty damn awesome. So far so cool, everyone knows exactly what I like, music, can’t go wrong. Not that that’s making me happy, it normally does but I’m happy for another reason.

I am still trying to find a Master right, but now I’m playing with the idea of a Mistress right. Funny thing is, I think I might have found both and at the same time no less. I know I want Mike, in which way? That I can only guess and even then I can be wrong. I don’t know what he wants from me, he only eludes to it and I can’t image, he needs to tell me straight out. What do I want from him, I know and I tell him straight out but I’m afraid that it would scare him. Her, I don’t know her yet but she intrigues me. E-mail in my inbox, a few replies. We’ll see what happens.

Speaking of Mike, he was going to try and fly over to California to visit me for my birthday. Unfortunately, it’s not going to happen. Can’t say that I’m not disappointed, I am very sad but I understand. I think he might have misunderstood me when I tried to explain the first time but I wonder what he’ll say when he calls. I want him to be positive, we can both be positive…

He called, I ranted, he listened, we talked and nothing came of it. This is how it’s going to be for us, he loves me, I love him, and we’re stuck. He wants me to be the mother of his child and I couldn’t if I wanted to, he said that he would try with me, he’ll try but it wouldn’t get us very far. I want to give him everything that I can but that’s the one thing that I just can’t do for him and it breaks my heart because I want it too, maybe not now but one day… but that day will never come. Be positive, try and be positive.

We talk and I love to hear his voice, when he laughs it makes me shiver out of my body. I love to love him and I’m happy…for now. "Cause I'm just a soul who's intensions are good..."

Look forward and stop looking back...

2004-06-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

Love- An intense affectionate concern for or a passionate attraction to another person.

His phone dies out. I sit alone on the grass in my back yard, the smell of the sweet California air looms about me, incasing me. Slowly, I pluck the blades of grass beneath me; do I call him back? No.

I think the conversation was left ending there. I take a deep breath and fall back on the lawn; staring at the sky I fall silent and waste my time thinking about nothing. I do love you. What does that mean? Reflecting back on our conversation, he asked me if I were still in love with Kenn, yes. I can’t help it; he was my first love and a demon in my past that I can’t seem to shake. As I lay I begin to tear, I let them roll down my face and trickle down to the ground. Confused and lonely, I wept silently.

I want to be everything for him, his sun and his moon. I want to give him light when he feels like he is in darkness. I want to serve him and please him by any means necessary. I just can’t…I just can’t do it. I don’t want to hurt him because if he’s not happy, then I can’t be either.

“What are we going to do kitten?” He asked.
Sighing deeply I said: “I don’t know.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“What happens when I find another Master, what then?”
“I’ll be happy for you.” He answered; I could hear the heartbreak in his voice.
“You won’t be happy and I can’t be either because you’re not.” I laughed.

We both seem to be stuck. The only logical explanation would be for us to come together, if it’s what we both want. Unfortunately, that is not how life has planned it. Mike is 24 years my senior. Love knows no age, I understand but I’m trying to think logically. I know that in the end, I will hurt him and I just don’t want that.

However, he haunts me almost as much as I haunt him. He says that I am the other half that makes him whole but, does this mean I’m half a person too?

Damnit! I want him so badly; I can’t even begin to explain. I can’t still taste him on my lips every time I slide my tongue over them. I need him; I want him. I want to submit to him, but I don’t think I deserve him.

I got the best piece of advice today when I looked in my in box this morning:

So... utterly unsolicited... I'm giving you the best piece of advice I
will probably ever give anyone in my life:
DO NOT LOOK BACK - LOOK FORWARD - GET EXTREMELY BUSY DOING SOMETHING
THAT TAKES UP MOST OF YOUR BRAIN.

There are lots of choices ahead of you but there are none behind you.
If
you get stuck thinking about the ones in the past, you are not going to
be able to make the future ones properly.

Thank you Remittance Girl, you're so right it's not even funny. I have to move forward... I just hope it's not a lonely road ahead for me...

Pouring salt on an open wound...

2004-06-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

A phone conversation with my best friend, Andrea in Florida.

“I didn’t get the impression that he was cheating on you.” She said. Puzzled, I asked: “What do you mean?”
She went on, “When I spoke to him last, I didn’t get that impression.”
“When did you speak to him last?” I asked, the last time Andrea was here was a week before I left for London. I was with them the whole time so when did this conversation come up?
“I think that it was when I came back to Florida, Yeah, it was, he called me.” He called you?
“He called you? When?” I started to tear.
“He called me to tell me to tell me that he was thinking about breaking up with you.” She said nonchalantly. What?
“When?”
“I think it was three weeks after you left.” She continued. Three weeks after I left? The day of the abortion. “I thought that it was a normal Kenn and Diane thing, where you guess break up and then get back together again. I tried to talk him out of it.” She finished. I was crying, I couldn’t help it, he called her, my best friend of 10 years, he told her. “Are you okay? Shit, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you, I didn’t think anything of it.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s just that…” I was sobbing at this point now, “I wish you called me, I wish I knew that this was his intention because I would have not had to go through this, I wouldn’t have lost my daughter.” Shattered, I stopped talking. Andrea let out a sigh.
“I am so sorry Diane, I just, I’m so sorry.”
“What did he say?”
“He said: ‘I’m thinking about breaking up with Diane.’ I said that you guys were so happy, why would he want to mess that up again? Why don’t you just talk to her?”
“He talked to me alright.”
“He then said: ‘I just don’t know’ and then he hung up the phone on me. I think that he was calling me for advice.”

I wonder where my mind went at that moment. I couldn’t think, this all could have been stopped, and I could have still had my child. The gravity of the unnecessary damage that was done to me was becoming heavy upon my shoulders. I wasn’t mad at her, she didn’t think anything of it and I don’t blame her, why would she? Kenn was known to do this; we were famous for the constant break ups…especially the break ups for no good reason. He should have just let me walk away, he shouldn’t have kept me if this was the out come and he knew that he was going to do it. He called her the day of my abortion, if she would have called me…I would be able to…